Villain, Not Victim

So I saw the reactions to the October 1 story (LINK) on Twitter and I believed them, not because I know the people involved or there’s proof, but because I know what men are capable of. That was a victim’s story so I understand the scepticism displayed by readers.

Here’s one from a villain.

I have a dysfunctional background, my parents were never married, father had lots of children (just less than a football team) from lots of women (a little more than the referee group). I never lived with my dad, he visited when he could but I knew he loved me immensely. Grew up as my mother’s only child, she’s quite well to do so naturally she spoilt me silly.

In my teens, my mother always told me not to have sex with anyone I couldn’t see myself marrying and she always insisted on meeting my girlfriends. In my early 20s, the girl I was dating got pregnant and naturally, I was defiant about it. She found out I was cheating with someone she knew, we had a big fight and a week after she calls me to say she’s pregnant. I asked for an abortion, told her I wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore, checked all the boxes you’d expect of a douchebag. Somehow, my mother found out, called up her parents and without our consent both our mothers started planning a wedding.
I liked the girl, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone through all the stress of dating but I didn’t think I was ready for marriage. My mother on the other hand, was having none of it. I had gotten a girl pregnant and I was going to marry her. I tried to reason with her, I didn’t have a job or any steady streams of income, I had no way of bearing the responsibility for a wife and a newborn. My mother waved my concerns off and promised me a house and a salary from her pocket till I found a job.  It would be easy for me to say I was coerced into the marriage or worse manipulated, but I wasn’t. But I could have objected, I could have left. I went through with it, because I saw that she was only trying to secure for me, something she was never allowed to have; a security of a proper union, the promise of a happy marriage. I was so young.

We got married, and our baby came five months after. 3 months after the baby, I travelled for an MSc. Wifey visited a month after I got there and came home pregnant. I made sure of it, I had to get her pregnant so she won’t “cheat on me”. See how men think.

It must have been hell for her having a baby and a pregnancy at the same time and no husband around to help but my wife rallied and ran our home all by herself. I had no cause for concern. I finished my MSc a year after and came back to Nigeria. It took me an extra year but things started to change for us and I got a job in my field, we had finally caught a break. One of the prerequisites was a mandatory training exercise in the US, and for the second time in our very young marriage, I packed up and left my wife with alone with a baby and a toddler. Soon as I got there, I started fucking one of my colleagues. It should have been a fling, but before long it careened into a full-blown affair that we continued even after we returned from the training exercise and settled into our jobs in Nigeria.

A few months after, I met another girl at an event and had a drunken fling. Of course I was drunk and I didn’t use protection. So when the babe came to me with a pregnancy, I couldn’t deny it wasn’t mine. She told me she wanted to keep it, I got mad, sent her money for D&C and forgot about her. A month after, at my son’s birthday party, this girl shows up at my house with her friend who was having an affair with one of my friends. My friend was there as well, so he was able to rein both of them in and keep the situation in check. The girl actually introduced herself to my wife and struck up a conversation with her. She was so cordial I assumed all was well.

I stupidly assumed the D&C was a done deal until I ran into my friend’s girlfriend a few months after and asked after her, the reply I got shook me. My fling was still very pregnant. I called her up and she said she kept it and insisted it was mine. There wasn’t anything I could do, so I waited for the baby arrival, did a DNA test, confirmed it was mine. It was hard, but a child wasn’t something I could hide from my wife. She was mad, but she stayed.

Few months after, my wife found out about my first (office) affair. Yes, that had still been going on. I told her this woman was a friend and my wife had really put her all into growing a friendship with my office fling. She was very mad, madder than when she found out about my Baby Mama situation but she stayed. Thanks to her parents. Their argument was “he doesn’t hit you, he provides for the home”. Please stay and honour your vows.

There was relative peace for a while, then I met someone again and lost my senses. My wife found out again. At this point I think she had become numb to me cheating. She was determined to do all she could to change this loser. She hit the gym, paid more attention to her hair and nails, bought new clothes. It didn’t help. You see, she wasn’t the problem, I was.

I got promoted a few times, salary went up to 7 figures, it was very easy getting laid and I tried to sleep with as many women as I could. There were just so many of them I got careless about it as well. I never lied about not being married, NEVER.

Twitter was my hunting ground and trust me, it’s very fertile.

I have caused this woman nothing but pain from day one. She had tried everything humanly possible to build this home and get the best for me and the kids. Every time something happens, she blames herself.

The last straw was at an event recently which she also attended. A few days later, she found out my mistress was at the same event. It’s not the fact I cheated that got to her, it’s the disrespect. The fact my friends were there.

Right now, I deserve whatever I get from her. I think I outdid myself this time, I think I’ve lost her for good this time.

I showed these traits from the beginning: selfishness, no regard for her feelings, cheated from day one, just wanted to be a babyboy forever. She felt she could change me, MISTAKE. Don’t marry a man thinking he’ll change, there’s nothing but PAIN waiting. If you’re in a relationship with someone and you see traits you can’t deal with, it’s a red flag.

Is my background to blame for this? I honestly don’t know. Being faithful was never in my dictionary, I didn’t grow up around any men who could serve as role models for faithful relationships. It was okay to be a “bad guy”, my father was one, why couldn’t I be one too? By the time I realized that’s not the way to go, it was already too late.

I hope sharing this saves someone from heartbreak, or inspires a randy loser like me to change his ways before it’s too late.
I expect a lot of backlash from this, but before y’all dish out insults, remember some of our mothers went through worse and stayed. They just don’t make women like my wife anymore. She deserves a better man than she got.

=================

We’re accepting any stories about serial sexual predators on social media, from any angle, real stories or opinion pieces. Entries should reach hi@stories.ng before the 10th of October. Read the call for submissions here [LINK].

highlandblue

I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.

33 Comments

  • Ari says:

    Errrrr… is this the accused’s back story or what?

  • Onyee says:

    Touching story……Pitiful indeed!
    My highlight?… “Don’t marry a man thinking he’ll change, there’s nothing but PAIN waiting”

  • Jaz says:

    This villain sounds very unrepentant. Have you thought of the legacy you’re leaving for your kids? I hope you haven’t passed on whatever infections/diseases you’ve gotten to your wife & I hope she gets the courage to leave you someday.

  • Observer says:

    Booooooooooooooooooo

    …. so why is it so hard for you to change? Have you tried JESUS?

  • Hmmmm says:

    I think (and I might be wrong) that this is just a rejoinder to make folks realize shit like what was in the October 1st article is in fact possible. Anyway, stories like this are no doubt real, I know one or two people who have these kind of lives. I know men who have a plethora of girlfriends they actively bang before and after they get married and have kids. But I think men like this need to remember something; life will help you live long enough to pay dearly for your ‘babyboy’ escapades. Do not go around causing people pain and expect to have a hitchfree life. I will never understand why most men can’t live without cheating on their spouses.. I know women cheat too though, and that is even worse when you hear the kind of stories I have heard and seen in real life. Sigh.. In the end there is really no solution to things like this, only death.

  • Babestell says:

    Finally a man confirming what I have been shouting since. You can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change. The funny thing is that this guy will meet another lady and decide that he will be faithful to her just like that. A descision only he the man can make. As for the ladies who claim they have been duped, I think most of them are lying, the truth of a person’s attachment is usually easy to find but just smile and buy her a gift and she forgets her common sense.

  • Breakfast tales says:

    Okay so what do you want now? A cookie? Pity? Cause you’ve come out to say you have no self control and you’re getting every chi chi, bisi and Halima pregnant…

    Sharing this won’t save anybody or change anybody. You are sharing this to make yourself feel better after being a horrible horrible husband.

    Imagine if this exact same story was shared by an unfaithful woman. Oh the comments would fly.

    Go home and fix your house. Sharing this story won’t help you.

  • Q says:

    “I expect a lot of backlash from this, but before y’all dish out insults, remember some of our mothers went through worse and stayed.”
    There’s nothing to take from our mothers going through worse. That’s an excuse weak people cling to. We will not make the mistakes of our parents. We choose not to. You should too.

    Thanks for the advice. We won’t try to change guys.

    You seem rather happy in the comfort zone of, “being faithful was never in my dictionary.”
    You are an adult. You have realised that you’re been a terrible human being to your wife. You CAN control yourself. You have that choice.

    I’m not sure this post is you saying you want to change . It seems more like you’re fine being the way you are. But I hope someday, (before you’re old and grey and what should be your family consists only of people who are just waiting for you to die so they can get their cut of what you have – if you have anything) that you really consider self control. It really isn’t that bad.
    Get counselling if you must.
    Give yourself a better life (yes, yourself. Even you are suffering. I doubt you’ve realised it yet but I hope you do someday).
    I wish you luck.

  • Storm says:

    Eledumare. You will never understand what this shit does to a woman’s self esteem and sense of worth, but look, you will get hurt for this. We don’t know how yet, but give it some time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you’ll know the debt is paid. And I’m not just quoting GRRM.

    To the ones for whom it isn’t already too late, please run away from fuckboys. To the already-married-ones-who-don’t-believe-divorce-is-the-answer, I pray you somehow get your self esteem and joy back. Live your life and try to be happy, please. Your life cannot revolve around a fuckboy. Don’t let it.

  • Ash. says:

    The feigned helplessness of a man who recognizes his wrongs, and acknowledges them, but is unwilling to will himself to change.

    The mistake is often to assume it will be easy. The other mistake is the friends who encourage and cover up this stuff, or who trivialize it. The truth is, if we ask our friends to watch out for us so we don’t make mistakes, they will. Otherwise, we need new friends.

    We all struggle with various weaknesses, and we all get tempted by the fine ass colleague with the big ass butt and the bouncy ass breasts and the flat ass tummy (forgive me ladies). We might even slip up a couple of times. But in these times of weakness, there’s no shame in running away. A real man will think with his head, and not his penis.

    That my friend, is how you keep the people you love.

  • miss real says:

    He’s a sex addict. Simple! There are soo many of them running loose in Nigeria. They need professional help

  • @the_igbogurl says:

    This story true don’t date/marry someone thinking you can change him/she.
    Its a crazy mistake

  • Olivia says:

    @ Highland Blue ( the author of this blog), very interesting platform you have here and one that addresses real challenges faced in relationships. I only just stumbled on this blog ( after reading your October 1st story on Stella’s blog). So good job proving a forum where we can discuss these issues, I’ve actually received encouragement and inspiration from some of the comments on this blog.

    @Villain (original poster), in all of this you’ve expressed no remorse or regret for any of your actions. In fact you actually come across as content and comfortable with your life take in spite of the hurt and damage you’re inflicting on your wife. I feel really sorry for your wife and can’t help but wonder why she’s still with you.

    However your story has highlighted some of the major issues with the Nigerian society:

    A) one should never be coerced into marriage in order to avoid disastrous outcomes like what you’ve described above;

    B) no one has the power, ability to capacity to “change ” another human being. Only God can truly break someone( usually with very difficult circumstances). Of course an individual can choose the less painful option of rejecting on his or her life and making a firm commitment to change his or her ways. Do not marry your husband or wife thinking that your “love”, “attributes”, “sexual prowress” etc will change him or her.

    @ OP, I implore you to stop for a minute and consider the implications of your actions. Do you love your wife and do you want to revive the marriage? Or do you want out of this marriage?

  • delivered says:

    This is real! This could almost be the story of my marriage. I have been through 15 years of this hell (throw in verbal and physical abuse as well) and I can confirm that this shit is true. I am a relatively ‘strong’, independent woman and got married at 30 – worldly wise and mature (I thought).

    I didn’t think it would happen to me – hell, no one thought it would happen to me. But it did. I hung in there for 10 years of lies, humiliation, loneliness, girlfriends, pain and stds… Amazing how hard it is to end a bad marriage. but God finally delivered me. He fell ‘in ‘love with his next victim and moved to end our marriage and blight her life (poor thing).
    I was lucky to leave with my children, my life (some of those beatings were savage!) and my sanity still intact (although I must have been insane for a couple of years in there).

    5 years later, I am still in recovery and still paying for the very bad decision to love and marry a ‘fuck boy’. Hurts more because my kids are paying too (but I must say raising them alone, in a safe peaceful home is much better than that toxic hell hole I brought them into). It is also painful to think I CHOSE to be with this person and didn’t have the guts to leave when the crap got really bad. I stayed and would’ve probably still been there if not for God’s mercy, because ‘marriage must work’. He still features in our lives (they are his kids too! but thankfully in much lower ‘doses’). Its a relief not to have to live with the craziness anymore. Its someone else’s problem now. Thankfully, kids are doing great. The peace and joy we have are truly gifts from God!

    If you are single and reading this, do NOT settle, do NOT manage, do NOT believe the promises to change. These ‘fuck boys’ don’t change, they get much worse with marriage and it is a nightmare to live through, harder still to get out of. A marriage can end, but divorce goes on forever, especially if you have kids. That person who treated you like shit will be forever in your life cos he becomes the father of your kids. don’t do it. Better to wait for the right person or even remain single than to go through a bad marriage.

    If you are currently going through hell in a marriage with a member of the ‘fuckboy’ brotherhood – sister, pack! It will be tough at first but eventually, the ‘save your marriage brigade’ will get tired and face their own lives, the pain will heal, you will get stronger and your kids will be fine. Please understand that no matter how long you ‘fight’ to keep that marriage going, you and your kids will never have a chance of a peaceful, happy home unless oga has an epiphany. Sadly, that rarely happens. Choose life today.

    Sorry for the epistle but I just had to share this.

  • Zill says:

    Opinion piece uhn? I saw what you did there.

  • AbcXyz says:

    Opinion piece uhn? I saw what you did there.

    Get with a good guy, no. You sideline and friend zone them. “I want excitement and where it’s happening”, you say . Well, goodluck with that! Just don’t come crying when hell breaks lose.
    But of course, like the good guy that he is, he’s always a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for your tales.
    Pot of beans life!

  • AbcXyz says:

    Get with a good guy, no. You sideline and friend zone them. “I want excitement and where it’s happening”, you say . Well, goodluck with that! Just don’t come crying when hell breaks lose.

    But of course, like the good guy that he is, he’s always a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for your tales.

    Pot of beans life!

  • AbcXyz says:

    Get with a good guy, no. You sideline and friend zone them. “I want excitement and where it’s happening”, you say . Well, goodluck with that! Just don’t come crying when hell breaks lose.

    But of course, like the good guys that they are, there’s always a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for your tales.

    Pot of beans life!

  • josh says:

    @Highlandblue If the Oct 1 story has no relation to this one, then what was the point of the introductory paragraph to this piece? An attempt to unobtrusively defend the “Lekki Liar”?. ‘cos that would be a real letdown on the party of this platform

    • highlandblue says:

      Of course there’s a relation between the pieces. This second one was written by someone who wanted to share his story because he read the first piece. But the people in the two stories have no relationship to each other. And really, anyone can tell their story and surreptitiously or openly defend anyone they like, just like anyone can post a comment. That’s the whole point of Stories, isn’t it? To have people tell their stories from their perspectives. If you don’t like someone’s own story, come and tell us your own too please

  • Lola says:

    Thank you

    God bless you and your children

    I’m single and this message spoke to me

  • Tessa Doghor says:

    I hope your wife does not come back to you till you are ready to change.
    I pray that she will find the grace to forget you and let in a man who is worth it.

  • Chi says:

    U mum spolt u, u dad had nothing less than a football team…. For crying out loud WHO CARES??
    … Nd wait u said der wz no man around de house 2 serve as role model for you in keeping a faithful relationship… Mr cheat dats reli nt an excuse whatsoever..
    Nd plzz role models are der 2 inspire nd motivate u 2 kip up wid de gud fins u already started doing nt 2 pin point to u wat 2 be or not…. As a baby u are or wat.. Com on. U reli nid to grow up.

    Yeah mumy wz trying 2 secure for u wat she wasn’t able to enjoy bt u knew u seriously didn’t want dat nd u had every right to leave @ dat time nd save de poor girl de tour 2 hell, since u knew
    u wer trying 2 outsmart ur dad nd mk a double football team, nd den dedicate ur supposed success to him… It’s nt funny bt I hv 2 laff.. Lolz

    As far as concern u are completely finished….

  • Oreoxskittles says:

    Congratulations, you played yourself.

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