You know that feeling of dissatisfaction, of appreciating what you have but knowing deep down within you that there’s so much more? That feeling that keeps you up at night wandering and pondering on all your choices and stealing happy moments because you just feel like you aren’t doing enough? That feeling haunted me this year.
For most of this year, I felt lost and useless. I kept feeling like everyone around me was getting their act together and I just couldn’t figure out who I wanted to be. I was hard on myself this year. I felt like an underachiever and nothing was going my way.
I finished NYSC in April and decided not to go back to Dentistry. I applied for jobs in several places, got to the final stages of interviews and didn’t get the job. I applied for so many things and got rejected almost every single time. I would cry and mope around for days. I started having insomnia. I hated dressing up or going out. My husband was the one who suffered from all my foul moods.
One thing kept my spirit up, The Ankara Dentist. My business kept my mind and soul alive. It kept my pocket moisturized. It gave me a sense of purpose. On some days when I felt absolutely useless, an order would come in and nothing gave me more joy than wrapping a fabric and sending it to a happy customer.
In October, I went for a short course that opened my eyes to the windows of opportunities around me. The things I learnt from that course and the people I met helped me refine aspects of my career and my business. It all slowly began to make sense. I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do, but I knew what I could do and I had a better understanding of how to do it.
In November, I got a divine instruction- “God is not a task master.”. I had been putting myself under so much unnecessary pressure that I had become a shadow of myself. I had put myself in a box and put Him in a box, with deadlines. And everytime things didn’t work out like I had hoped, I got angry and began to resent everybody and everything. After the last rejection mail came in, I was having another episode of moping, I heard in my spirit, ”Why are you grieving over what was never yours? You can’t mourn what you didn’t have”. I snapped out of it. I had an entitlement mindset and I needed to fix it. The fact that I didn’t get accepted did not make me less of who I was. It just wasn’t meant for me. Not everything is meant for me.
In November, I went back to Dentistry but with an agenda. I told my old boss I didn’t want to do regular Dentistry only. I had learnt a few things during my hiatus and I needed an avenue to practice what I had been learning. I was going to work on the brand of the clinic – marketing, social media presence, outreaches, customer service etc. The testimony of it all is that she agreed, and she also agreed to letting me work part-time so I still have time for my business. I am happier now.
I don’t have a clear direction yet of where I am going, but I feel like I am finally on track. In the end, He makes all things beautiful in His time.