Amaechi, you have stressed me so much, here is the review.
2017 has been a good year for me in the sense that I didn’t die and no I’m not being dramatic in the least bit.
I usually do my review month by month but this year it was like I was drifting in and out of consciousness so I barely recall what happened in which month, I will try however to put a time stamp on the occurrences of this year.
There are two parts to this review, the part I started on the couch in my wrapper I’ve had on all through the 22nd and the original one which I started on my way back from Port Harcourt a couple of days ago.
Let us begin!
Everyone seemed to have their lives in order, moving in a certain direction, Oge did not, Oge went with the waves, the waves told Oge to just not stress herself, to relax and be lazy, Oge did just that.
January – May kind of flew by for me, in the sense that I just stayed at home and did nothing, I graduated last year so this year I was supposed to go for service in February/March but the Nigerian government pushed it all the way to May. So the most I did from January to May was a quick trip to Enugu for my friend’s birthday and clearance for Uni.
Posting for NYSC came out and I got Yobe, I cried, I cried so much my friend came from Enugu just to console me, Thank you Ada.
You see, my parents are tribalistic, they are scared of the north, and they also were scared that the BH boys would blow up our camp because this year was the first time in 5 years that camp was done in Yobe. My dad said I would go to the camp over his dead body so while my mates went to camp, I stayed at home and I cried. Ending of May, my best girl came back and I said “screw everything” and went to ph, that was the highlight of the first fifth of the year for me, and oh, I overcame my fear of water, thank you Kech-Kech.
June came and I started French classes. C’etait tres magnifique. I had a routine, go to class, come home at 1pm, rest, pick my boys from school, sleep some more, watch Naruto/attack on titan, sleep some more and if I remember to eat? Even better.
Rinse, wash, and repeat for 3 months.
I wasn’t unhappy, but I also wasn’t happy.
I have been single for so long I do not remember what it is like to open myself up to someone, sometime in June, I tried again, to just be friends with someone in hopes that it might actually become something important and now, I don’t know anymore, it’s still a scary thought; to show someone that, oh, I woke up this morning and I thought of you, I said a prayer to God to bless you, I hope you’re okay, it is a deeply disturbing thing for me because for me, love never ends well.
I started online classes eventually, started Front-end development classes, finally decided on what I want to do for my masters, now it remains to find schools.
June to August for me was amazing really.
If you know me, you know I always count down to my birthday, I turned 22 this year and I am honestly scared of getting older and taking up this adulting thing full-time.
I got drunk 2 hours before my birthday and stayed drunk all through and believe me, it was lit, being drunk made me happy, so so happy, I didn’t have to think of how I wasn’t really doing anything major with my life or how I couldn’t touch the money in my account because when I spend money I have saved, I get panic attacks.
My friends did a surprise buffet thing for me and I like to say I’m a bad guy but I cried, I honestly did. August came and went.
September, by this time, I was exhausted, tired of trying to keep up the appearance of being okay, I dropped my French classes to rest.
I have occasional depression, I can be happy for a month straight and something will just trigger it and that’s it, at times like this, I try not to drive because something keeps telling me to ram into a wall, I try to do things to lift my mood, once it sets in, I can’t function and I drink a whole lot.
There were times were I reached out to the boy I was talking to, without telling him of my mood and he’d do/say something that would make me happy albeit for a short while.
October flew by me, went by so fast that the only memory I have is getting into some minor accident.
November came and NYSC posting came out, mans got posted to Rivers, I wasn’t sure if I was happy/sad or simply indifferent. The day I left to camp, my dad might have cried a bit, he likes to claim he’s a bad guy, but I know different.
Camp wasn’t what I expected, it was better, way better, I made friends in camp, I tried not to but I did anyway, Nonwa-Gbam Tai taught me a lot about people and how they respond to difficulties in life, it showed me how people react to people they do not understand, it showed a different type of classism than I know, showed me you can bond with someone in just 3 weeks. Life isn’t really easy, people right in front of you are smiling and suffering, reach out to someone today and ask “how are you, how are you really?”
I left camp, reported to my primary posting assignment and I got rejected. I cried, again, a whole lot. I was tired, stressed, breaking out and I had nowhere to stay.
This year I realized I am proud, too proud to ask for help and I hate it, a friend told me, “even if you’re scared of hearing no, just ask” I hate to hear no, so I do not ask.
I ended up at a corper’s lodge eventually and every day I wake up, I say a prayer for the owners of the church who housed and fed homeless corpers out of their own pockets.
I’ve had two job interviews since leaving camp and today, but I’ve decided I don’t really want to work, I’ve made plans for 2018 concerning my personal development, I plan to protect my mental health at all costs, I plan to be happy in 2018.
Day 29, Month 12, 2017.
I have decided to just get this review done with.
I have been in my village for the last 4 days with all of my siblings and parents, I am content, I haven’t felt this at peace all year, I am grateful to God for life, for the chance to smile irrespective of what we’re going through,
In the last 4 days, there have been times when I’ve thought of the million things I have to do when I get back to PH/Owerri but I have pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind because I do not know where today’s manna came from, why then am I bothering myself over tomorrow’s?
I’ve almost been stressed by a deadline for my class, but alas what will be, will be.
There have been times I have felt depression creeping in and I have just jumped on my mother to cheer me up, she hasn’t failed.
2 days till the end of the year and I’m excited to say bye.
2017 has made me tired to my bones, all the women in me want to sleep, all of them want to go home, but I’m holding on.
This one is for all the friends who have checked on me and I on them this 2017, I love you, I really do.
Let’s go over my 30 days hopeful post and my goals for 2017
- Talk to God and sort out this religion thing in my head; I have gotten more confused but I am at least talking to God everyday about everything.
- Continue to fill my “gratitude box” – I stopped in April.
- Stay fit – Lol, nope.
- Learn to swim – Again, nope, not that over my fear of water.
- Learn to bake. – I took steps towards this but I haven’t finalized my plans.
- Experiment with different recipes while cooking – I didn’t cook much this year but I did experiment.
- Take the plunge, sometimes I hesitate and I lose opportunities. – I definitely did.
- Be nice to myself – I’m trying, I really am but it’s not easy.
- Write more – I tried, with the exception of erotica, I didn’t write much.
- Read more – I tried but my concentration hasn’t been all that, with the exception of my French texts and my programming classes.
At the beginning of this post, I was worried I would realize I didn’t achieve much in 2017, but I have just realized, I did; I stayed alive, 2018, bring it on b.