For the first time in nine years, I am completely and totally without a man. No boyfriend, toaster, or situation-ship. Nobody I am instant messaging or having long conversations with, nobody I am kissing. It has been a week since I let the last thread go and I am still reeling from the assault of emotions.
Initially, it was a decision I made, with deliberate and well thought out actions to bring me to where I need(ed) to be – single and alone with no escape from myself, bereft of distractions and finally for the first time in my life, squarely facing all the issues I have denied my whole life. Then finally the hour of breakup approached and I became overcome with fear bordering on desperation. I was overwhelmed with questions that honestly kept me up at night.
It wasn’t funny. Have you ever thrown a piece of paper in the bin then realized it was airtime? Except that in this case, it really wasn’t airtime but a useless piece of paper transformed into treasure by the fear of being alone. The fear of being unloved. The fear of being unwanted. The fear of constantly searching, never finding. The fear and the questions it brought had me turning a complete 360 degrees, even when I knew for certain that I was doing exactly what I needed to do. What can I say? There is a little calm now, and I am beyond grateful for bridges that chose to stay burnt.
It’s been a whole week and I am still afraid. I am also ashamed of how afraid I am, ashamed of the questions I ask myself. I am supposed to be this strong, level headed independent young woman but I am stuck asking myself how my life is supposed to have meaning if there is no man loving me? How am I supposed to know I am indeed worthy of love and kindness if there is no man blowing up my phone? Am I really funny and witty if I am funny and witty for myself alone? How will I start all over and transparently with someone new when/if I am ready? With all the things I have done?
I am not sure how I got here, or how I intend to leave here. I just know that it has been a whole week and I am still unsure. How do I live with myself?