When I first saw that Efe was doing this 30 day 2012 review, I wanted to do one. The thing I was most concerned about was whether to do it anonymously or not. Well, I settled on anonymous so here goes.
I have very few happy memories of my family from childhood. 2012 felt like it was going to be different. It is was but in a negative way.
2012 is/was, for the most part a bad year. I am the middle child and first girl for both my parents.
2012 is the year that broke me. I’ve gone through a lot this year. My life is a mess. My parents separated last year. They’ve been separated for longer than that. Say, 10 of my 16 years but my mum actually moved out last year. I don’t know if/when I’m going to university. I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m just in a very confused place.
There were many times this year I thought of suicide. But I thought of my sister. You see, I’m the second of three children that my mum and dad have. My baby sister (she’s 13 by the way) is the most important person to me in my family. I tried to cut myself but I realized I didn’t have enough long-sleeved shirts to cover up. It may seem funny but it’s true.
This year, I learned that people will always be unappreciative of your efforts. People will never appreciate you when you get it right but always pounce on you the few times you get it wrong. Even people closest to you, your mother sef, will use what you say against you. Not every one really cares about how you feel. They just want something to use against you.
This year, I realized that not letting go of anger and hate will destroy you. It will eat you up. I’ve seen it and I’m still seeing it in my mother. I learnt to let go of anger. I actually forgive easily. I don’t hold grudges or keep ‘malice’. I learnt that forgiving other people is for your own benefit. When you’re unforgiving, you become angry and hateful and you can’t move forward.
I learnt that being a good parent is not about what you do. It’s about what you don’t do (say). I realized how much I don’t want to be like my mother. I learnt to not speak at/to people in anger. I learnt that speaking in anger, we may say things we don’t mean and forget about it but those words will still hurt the person on the receiving end. Words hurt.
This year, I learnt to cry. I learnt that bottling it up doesn’t always help. I learnt to depend on God. I learnt to focus on Him. I learnt that some things cannot be undone. And many things can never remain the same. I remember when I had a good relationship with my mum. I used to tell her a lot of things but now, I can’t tell her anything. It’s very hard to not be able to confide in your mum. My relationship with mumsi is at its worst ever. I don’t hate her but I doubt that we can have a good relationship again.
I learnt that love is not always enough I learnt that the only people who really care about you in the end are yourself and God.
I realized that I am the only person that can make me happy. I realized that whatever decisions I make in life should be based on how I feel. Will it make me happy? Will it make someone else happy to my detriment? I learnt that you shouldn’t let someone else make you happy because no one can. You are the only one that can make you happy. Decisions you make in life should be based on what makes you happy. Don’t put someone else in charge of your happiness. The people with the ability to make you happy also have the ability to make you unhappy and most of the time, they’ll make you unhappy.
My WAEC result wasn’t bad but it was below expectation.
But this year wasn’t all bad. There were times when there would be no food but we were never hungry. I went to a pretty expensive secondary school. There were times when I thought I won’t finish there but God came through and I graduated this year. Most people don’t understand how much graduating from that school means to me.
When my mum left my dad, she had no job. She had lost her job at a bank. For one year, she had no job but we were never homeless or hungry.
This year taught me that God is faithful. He is good. God is there. He fulfils his promises in due time. My favourite verse from the bible this year is Phillipians 4:7 “and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
This year, I met someone whom we shall refer to as B. Yes, it’s a guy. No, he’s not my boyfriend. We’re friends. I think that’s one of the few highlights of this year. Meeting B was the best thing that happened to me this year. He may not know it but he has done things for me this year that I will be forever thankful for.
I’ve also ‘met’ some very amazing people on twitter and through my blog. I really haven’t seen anyone in person but I feel like I’ve known some of them forever.
Another positive thing that has happened to me this year is my prayer group. They are the best.
I also got 2 new nieces.
I found out I have a younger half-brother. He’s like 5 or 6.
I have decided to not be bothered. I have decided to take each day as it comes. I have chosen to look on the positive side of things. Always try to find the good in every situation.
I learnt to share myself with people and help people whenever I can. Helping people actually makes you feel better. You should try it. Especially if the person won’t/can’t know it’s you.
This year, I became closer to God. Although, coming from a Muslim home makes it harder. This year, I went to church for the first time. I’ve been to church loads of times but for weddings and things like that.
I believe that a time comes in one’s life where you begin to question everything – even the existence of God. It doesn’t matter if you’re 12 or 30. A time will come when you question your belief in this God that you can’t see. This was my year. But God showed Himself.
On school, although I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going, I feel good about it. I’m not too worried. I believe God has a plan for me.
I’m thankful for the things I experienced this year because they’ve given me a better outlook on life. The things I learnt have made me a better person.
I hope 2013 brings better things.
I admire the insight into the working of the human soul that Laide exhibits when she writes. Let’s leave youth out of it. For any age, this is deep. Even for the parts I didn’t agree with, I found myself unable to argue. God bless you sister, and make you smile again. Thank you for sharing.