Moyin

Here goes:

These things are becoming more difficult to write every year because I’m not even sure what to say. I’m going to be honest, I don’t know if internet people are interested in the goings on of my life anyway. But I am committed to this thing and I am going to write it and we’ll see how it goes.

———

I cannot tell you what happened for most of this year. The Instagrams dried up, my Twitter feed dried up. The thing is I can’t remember most of this year.  The one thing we don’t talk about when we talk about depression is the time it takes from you. I have no memories of the time between March and August of this year. I absolutely cannot tell you what I did with half of this year. It appears all I did was sleep. And it’s not just a loss of time, it’s a loss of pleasure, a loss of the things that made me who I thought I was.

This is not a victory post, don’t mistake this for a testimony. That’s not what’s happening here. What’s happening is I am struggling to claw back what I remember from this year and do the typical thing of trying to find some good in a year that was essentially rubbish. If you were looking for a feel-good story, I’m sorry you’ve come on the wrong day. Come back tomorrow, maybe there’ll be someone to give you what you’re looking for.

What I will not do is undermine the effort it takes to exist as a human me on this planet. I will not sugar-coat the work it takes to keep trudging on when your entire self is trying to die. I will not skim over the fact that there hasn’t been a day this year when I have gone to bed without taking more than 5 tablets. I’m not doing that here. There has been a lot of pain this year, I have plumbed to depths of despair I never thought possible. The hurt has come from almost every area of my life – work, family, friends, church, God.

If this sounds a bit hopeless, good. I don’t think I can afford to pretend like everything is/has been okay because it has not been. Reader, there’s no good trying to bring resolution to a story that is still in progress. What will do me good is sitting with my pain, talking about it and not hiding from it. It really hurts and it’s not going anywhere if I don’t do something with it. So here I am, writing about it in the hope that writing helps. What will do me good is acknowledging of the shape I’m in. It’s not good for anyone to be in this shape. And it has become increasingly clear that I must find a way to live with it because this is the new normal, it seems.

So yeah, there you go. I’ve been tasked with writing about a year I have no memories of, a year I really would like to forget existed, but things don’t work that way. To do that would require going to places I’m not quite sure I should be going to on the internet (believe it or not, I have boundaries, you know). So I’ve done something – this was not half-hearted, I assure you. Thanks for reading to the end and I hope the other days give you the hope and joy you come to this column for.  

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From the very first end of year review series in 2011, Moyin has opened for us. The bravest soldiers are found on the front-lines. Putting one foot in front of the other while staring down a hostile familiar enemy is nothing short of brave. We celebrate (your) 2018 because you were in it. We celebrate you. Thank you very much Moyin.

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Moyin

Moyin is a pop-culture obsessed Ph.D. in Tissue Engineering. When she's not arguing with bacteria in her lab, you can find her screaming at her favorite characters on TV shows or getting mad at trending topics on Twitter.

11 Comments

  • This was heavy. Very heavy.

    Thank you Moyin. Thank you so much for vulnerably sharing. I can only imagine how much effort this must have taken.

    I pray that you receive strength and comfort in this battle you fight, and that you are continually victorious. You are loved, and you matter. And I pray you always remember that.

    Thank you. *HUGE HUG*

  • Tariah says:

    Awwww, sending you love and light Moyin. I pray you get the strength to go through this. It will get better.

  • Ogbenyealu says:

    Omg, sending you hugs, love and light.
    This story is just me, can’t remember what happened this year, woke up in wrong places, no memories at all.

  • Nimi says:

    Oh, Moyin! I’ve loved reading your stories every year because you’re such a trooper. Thank you for continuously fighting and not giving up. You’re a star, Moyin, and the world is blessed to have you in it. Sending you loads of hugs.

  • Lily-carol says:

    Thank you for sharing with us Moyin! Sending you love and light and hugs.

  • Fk says:

    Plenty hugs Moyin. Prayed for strength for you and grace to overcome Amen

  • Jvmoke says:

    The heaviest years are the ones we must write about because when the light comes in, we’d need the documentation to revel in the glow..
    Wishing you better in 2019..

  • A says:

    Thank you for always opening up the series for us. Sending so much love your way.

  • Yewi says:

    Moyin, I appreciate your bravery and candor in giving us a glimpse into your reality. Praying you find all the strength you need to get back up in 2019. You will make it out, rooting for you.

  • Omo says:

    For 7 years, you have never failed to write a review and narrate your story as you see it. You are afr braver than we who have never written in but have read for 7 years with barely 7 comments. Here’s to winning the battle!!! XOXO

  • Ogenna says:

    Hey Moyin, here’s hoping you get better, here’s hoping you kick depression’s butt one day at a time, you’re amazing, don’t ever forget.

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