This year has been a blur. It’s like I can remember so much but can barely remember anything at the same time. I think it’s so interesting how we as humans can endure so much pain. I don’t know if I’ve experienced the extremity of pain. In fact I know I haven’t but mehn, this year has been a challenge.
I graduated last December and I honestly miss the structure of college. You didn’t have to think about much besides doing well. Now life is really just up to me and the decisions I make and I’d be lying if I said I had a clue as to what I’m doing. I thought I did, I had a plan even before I graduated but quickly realized that I didn’t find fulfilment in what I thought I wanted for myself. So right now I’m still trying to figure that out. I can only pray that I find my footing eventually.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety this year. Someone said that we tend to hold onto pain because it’s familiar, and I really resonated with that. I’m becoming more aware of how comfortable I’ve become being depressed. In some seasons, it’s not that noticeable; people, events and goals overshadow that underlying pain. But in waiting seasons like this, that heaviness seems to be the only thing that I have felt.
I was listening to this podcast and the woman said that the thing with being depressed is that while you’ve put your life on hold, life is still going on; no one waits for you to get better or to be able to make sense of life. I don’t know if I should say I’ve struggled with that this year, but I can say that there’s truth to that statement. I spent a decent amount of this year silently screaming for people to notice that I wasn’t okay only to be met with disappointment because no one noticed. As I write this, I’m asking myself why I needed people to notice I wasn’t okay. Maybe I wanted my pain to be validated? Who knows. But eventually, I stopped screaming. You begin to realize that your troubles are yours regardless of who notices and rather than waiting for someone to see it, you need to help yourself. I’m grateful for the friends that did check up on me though, they’ve listened to me rant and ramble even when I’ve felt like I wasn’t making any sense.
I can’t say I’ve been a great friend this year to be honest. Should we blame it on the depression or the anxiety? I think I’ll take responsibility for that one. But it’s been hard. It’s hard to insert yourself back in a space you’ve taken yourself out of. I need to do better regardless.
I think more than anything else, I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I’ve learned that I don’t let go of people/things easily and in some cases I really need to. I lost a friend this year and to this day I can’t tell you exactly why the friendship ended. I spent the first half of the year trying to figure out what I had done wrong, but in all honesty, some friendships really are just here for a season, or maybe I’m just saying that because I’m tired of thinking about it. As much as it might hurt, you really can’t keep everyone in your life forever. I miss her, I miss her laugh and her corny jokes. I pray she continues to prosper in all she does.
I’ve learned that God will do things in our lives, and they won’t always immediately make sense, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trusting Him. It is more important in that season of confusion that our grip must tighten. I’ve been at that state where nothing makes sense for a while now and I’ve been trying to makes sense of things through people or material things and despite it all, shit still doesn’t make sense. I can just imagine God laughing as He’s been watching me do all of this.
Truth be told, there is no permanent peace that can come from this world. There really isn’t. People will change, material things come and go, accomplishments will give you satisfaction for only a short while before you start to feel that need for more again. All of these things are simply temporary. God really is the only constant through every stage of life. It’s funny how we can easily let go of the one thing that truly is a constant in our lives in exchange for things that are so temporary. I’m trying to make my way back. Most days I feel so numb and don’t remember to do much, but I’m trying. Through it all I can say that God has been so faithful and kind to me. I don’t deserve any of it, but He has been so kind to me.
My experiences this year have also given me insight regarding what I want in a marriage – random, yes. Am I anywhere close to being ready for that stage of life? Absolutely not, but I don’t think I’m too young to start thinking about what I want. I’m learning that marriage requires so much that you have to be willing to give. Parenting also, requires so much. Between my job and observing my parents, there are so many things that I just need to be different in my life. I’m learning that settling in any capacity is a disservice to yourself. And staying in things simply because you feel obligated to will leave you feeling dissatisfied. It’s okay to want more out of a partner besides them simply loving you, at the end of the day, love alone isn’t guaranteed to get you out of every situation.
I’m grateful to know what love feels like too. I’m such a mess when it comes to matters of the heart but I’m grateful to know my heart still works ok, even if it needs some maintenance. When it comes to matters of the heart, I may not know what I want but I just know I don’t want to settle, I don’t want to be unhappy, and I don’t want to suffer. I’ve seen what that looks like, I’m seeing what it looks like and I don’t want it.
I’m having to learn how to be kind to myself. I think I’ve put so much pressure on myself and this was the year that I finally exploded for lack of better words. Can’t tell you how many days I’ve spent feeling as though I don’t belong, questioning my reason for being here. I still don’t have any answers to be honest, but somehow, I’m still here. I’m also having to teach myself to stop trying to carry other people’s burdens along with mine.
I’m grateful for the few friendships I’ve maintained this year. I hope to do better in the next year. Life doesn’t really make sense right now but I want it to. I hope it will. That’s what everyone says though, that things start to make sense as time goes on.
I think more than anything else, I’ve been learning what I want out of life because this life is too long for one to simply drift through every stage. I’m learning what I want out of friendships, a career, out of love, a family, my spiritual life, everything.
I don’t know what peace is right now, in this new year, I hope to find that. I hope to find myself, and to really believe that I am enough. I want to go skydiving, I want to travel alone, I want to do the things that scare me. I want to grow in Christ. More than anything else, I want to be stubborn about my happiness.
I want to go skydiving, I want to travel alone, I want to do the things that scare me. I want to grow in Christ. More than anything else, I want to be stubborn about my happiness.
Mosope, I’m meeting you here for the first time and all I can say is that your hopes and dreams are valid. Also, good friends are worth ten times their weight in silver and gold and even more. Find them, keep them.
Here’s to a purposeful 2019 for you. Thank you.