Let me first of all apologize for how all over the place this post is about to be. Interestingly, that’s exactly what my year has been– all-over-the-place kinda year.
This year pretty much felt like an extension of last year to me. 2014 ended on a pretty “bleh” note. The last quarter of 2014 was very difficult and I sorta carried it over to 2015. Towards the end of 2014, I made some decisions to let go of some friendships and relationships. It was like a light bulb moment in my head and I knew that some things and some people were causing me more stress and pain and it was time to stand up for myself and let them go. So there I was, heartbroken. It was difficult, like a kind of brokenness l’d never experienced before. I’m quite an introverted person, it’s difficult for me to make new friends and so I tend to cling to my old ones. So you can imagine how painful letting go of certain people was. See eh, it was painful. I cried and cried. My heart and chest literally hurt. I felt as though my heart would fall outta my chest. I was scared for my mental health. I didn’t think I’d survive that kind of pain and still remain sane.
This pain was like nothing I had experienced. The last time I had experienced such pain as a result of brokenness was when my brother passed away 3 years ago. I didn’t want to let go but I knew I had to, the damage seemed irreparable to me. I knew that even if I tried to salvage what was left, it wouldn’t be the same so I psyched myself to tune out and let them go… And I did.
Journal entry 25/12/14
….”today, I make the final and conscious decision not to live like this anymore. Developing and building friendships/relationships shouldn’t have to hurt…. I have to do better for myself, learn, deal with this pain once and for all and move on”
And I did! But then the guilt set in. I felt like such an evil person. I knew I had hurt people but somehow I felt like it was for the benefit of everyone involved. Better now that later I would think.
Journal entry 28/12/14
“….forgiving yourself for failure is one of the toughest things especially for mistakes that has cost other people so much pain as well. But at some point, you’ll learn to reconcile with yourself and forgive yourself if you want to move forward. There’s beauty in everything including in the most painful and ugliest mistakes…”
January 2015 came, and I remember coming home from the New Year’s Eve service and praying that the pain I experienced few days/weeks ago, would never happen again. I prayed for strength just to live through. When I spoke to a friend about the pain, he said it’d go away “with time”. For the first time in my life I wished I could sleep for days and wake up when the pain was gone. I started feeling like an utter failure. It hit me also that many of the things I had planned to accomplish by the time I turned 23 would not be, the path I was on in life isn’t the Path I expected myself to be on. Add that to the pain from brokenness that I was already feeling… Yeah, I thought my entire life was a mess.
As if that wasn’t enough, One evening I woke up from a nap very sick eh. I didn’t know what was going on. I thought it was just a mild flu case.. We don’t have malaria here in the States for me to blame malaria. A week later I wasn’t feeling any better. I knew I had to go to the hospital at this point. They eventually said it was a combination of a viral infection and something else so I was prescribed some immunodepressants so my immune system can chill for a second eh. 😆. Phew, but I didn’t die!
Journal entry 21/1/2015
“….what am I doing with my life? 21 days into the new year and I still feel stuck and like a failed life. How can I be better? How can I push further and farther?….”
In February, i think I was beginning to fair well until it hit me again; I have lost a lot of what my identity and self-worth was built on. And so the cycle returned. The pain was back. I cried, wailed. I cried so hard, I was embarrassed for myself. Eventually I started thinking and opened up to some people and then I realized that it just didn’t make any sense to me how much I had allowed certain people define who I am. So I decided that I would spend the rest of the year finding and defining for my own identity.
March-April, I was still pretty depressed. At this point, my life is becoming even more chaotic than it should be. I had quit my full-time job because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I started working part-time and getting paid wayyyy less than I was even making prior. I decided to move closer to my family across country. It didn’t make sense how chaotic my life had gotten.
As if this wasn’t enough, April Marked 20 years since my mom passed away. I couldn’t believe I have been motherless for 20 years. I cried that day. Cried and cried. I miss her – a lot. I realized just how much I had gotten used to not having a mother and how it’d actually be nice to have one. Again, it didn’t make sense to me how the woman who would’ve been the most important person in my life was taken away from me and my siblings at such a young age. I had questions (for God) but I couldn’t even ask Him because I felt too far away from him and so unworthy to call on him like my father.
In the midst of this chaos, I stumbled on the conversation I had with Efe about bible chapters and lessons in them. I had written it down in my journal. Speaking of Ecclesiastes Efe said: “…the Ecclesiastes opened my eyes to the rationalization of depression. If really this life is all we live for and serve God for, then we are the most to be pitied among men cos nothing makes sense under the sun. Only way life makes sense is if Heaven is involved. That extra dimension is where sense can be applied to the mindless chaos we see around us“.
And so that kickstarted me to seek heaven again, even harder this time.
May, I embarked on a road trip to go stay with my family. I drove from where I was 18 hours by myself to go stay with my family. 7 hours in, I fell asleep while driving on the highway. Let’s just say, God is a miracle-working God! I am alive… I didn’t die! I would’ve died that day, but HE KEPT me!
July, we lost Hammed Ajiboye. His death was painful. It hurt me A LOT! Hammed was sick but loved life! He tried to find reasons to be joyful amidst his many diagnoses. He was a delight! I’ll always remember him!
I think I ‘grew up’ this year. I remember standing in the shower washing my hair and randomly thinking “wow, you’re an adult! You’re not a child.” Obviously I’m not a child, I’ve been independent for so long but I’ve never really stopped to acknowledge that I’m not a child. It hit me, I am almost 25, closer to the big three ooh. I was shocked actually. I felt like I was just 17 years old yesterday. I got quite depressed again. I had hoped to be done with medical school by the time I turned 25, clearly that wasn’t going to happen. Chai!
This year, I quit my job. A decision I thought would change my life forever. It did but not in a way that I had planned. I quit work to focus on some things that I believe were more important and needed more attention. It didn’t quite work out as expected. I depleted my savings account. I lost money – a lot of it! For the first time since being independent I was broke! So broke, I got scared about where my next month’s rent would come from.
It was crazy. I kept thinking “is this how I’ll become homeless?” Wawu! But God in his infinite mercies showed up at the 59th minute of the 11th hour. Someone who owed me, paid! Ah. What an always on time God! So then my rent was secured eh and I knew I had to return to work.
I started job hunting again. I had forgotten just how depressing the job hunting process can be – the rejected applications, the HR managers who’d smile and promise to give you a call back but never do, sigh – gosh, I hate it. In the end, I was blessed with having multiple job offers to choose from.
As soon as I got a job and worked a month, I leaped and started a company. I’m not sure what I was thinking but I knew it had to happen this year. I had procrastinated this thing for too long. (Well technically not procrastination, just couldn’t decide which of my ideas to fund first).
Entrepreneurship is something I’ve fancied. I’ve always wanted to run my own thing but I’ve been super nervous that I won’t be able to. I mean, I had to fire two staff at work but could barely find the words how much more running an entire company? Add my introversion and perfectionism to the mix.. Sigh. So I prayed and sought a partner. I found one – a great one! Business is going well. I’m thankful. That one will be reviewed in my 2016 review ehn.
In all, I learned a few things;
- I am stronger than I think.
- It’s perfectly okay to let go of people and things that are causing you pain.
- It’s okay to remove yourself from situations that you’re convinced wouldn’t be good for you in the future eh. (Make sure you’ve thought about this one well o ehn ehn)
- I can bounce back!
- Take care of your mental health. Find good people you can confide in who are worthy of your story and won’t judge you!
- God has my back I can really be anything I set my mind to be as long as it glorifies God.
- Fear of failure will limit you if you let it!
- Go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?
Bottom line, this year has been eventful. I cried more this year than I ever had. I laughed, I lost friends, I lost the most important thing I had, I was broke, I hurt, I was depressed, I got sick, my immune system flared up, my knee snapped, my mother is still dead, someone I cared about died, I started a business. In all of this, I wrap up by saying NA GOD WIN!
*plays Korede Bello’s God win and dances away* 💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿
Some reviews I read and it feels like 3 years rolled into one. This adult life of a thing is quite scary at times. Staring down failing businesses and rent and relationships with support systems 18 hour drives away or 7 time zones apart is the stuff tales of knighthood are made of. God really really came through for you this year (or should I say years? Because you added more than one this year). God bless you and thank you very much for sharing, dear friend.