I started this year with a betrayal. I found out that an ex-lover had been loving other people (even your boo…). What hurt most was the betrayal; I was gutted by the realisation that my perception of the relationship was no relation to the reality.
I just realised part of it is, I’m angry at myself. I think I should have seen it coming, I think I should have done this, done that. It happened, it happened. The important thing is, I need to forgive myself. Move on and truly let it go. Accept that, no matter how hard I try, I will never see EVERYTHING coming. Epiphany tins
(Jan 8, 2015)
One month later, someone I had given a second chance in my life demonstrated to me with workings that the second chance was not the valuable gift I thought it was. People were prepping for Valentine’s Day; Ariel was standing in Lagos airport, pretending all the plenty tears were because there was something in her eye.
You see, one gets tired of heartbreaks and one gets tired of making mistakes and one starts to contemplate that perhaps there is an email from the Heavens that one is not reading.
So, after that second incident I did what any self respecting Christian girl would do; I offed cloth in the middle of the night and asked God to vindicate me.
I don’t deserve this. And I refuse to accept something I don’t deserve… I will speak to no one about this again. If I want to rant I will rant to Him, if I want to mourn I will mourn to Him, if I want to cry I will cry to Him. I’m done playing abeg. It’s time to take these things serious. I am planting my mustard seed in the ground, I will water it with my tears and my words and my prayers. I want to see the fruit of what I started last night. I want to see God move.
(Jan 30, 2015)
I don’t know what I was expecting; thunderbolts, lightning, or maybe people calling me to beg because they were having dreams that an angel was chasing them with a sword…
What I sha got was a light turned in my direction and Him asking me instead “What do you want?” So, I found myself sitting on a couch and discussing relationships with Him.
I will be human, which means I will get it wrong, And whoever wants to be with me will have to deal with it or they can bloody well sod off…
…I think I still have unresolved anger. Ees like.
(Jan 6, 2015)
I told Abba that I felt I was ready to invest in a relationship…easy abi? Meet person – fall in love – proceed with life. Mbanu, Dude had to do His own His own way.
When I asked Him to move, I had no idea He was going to start with me.
God opened every single aspect of my life; Dude took away every single fig leaf I had painstakingly put together…and then He asked me for one thing.
I didn’t expect a call to celibacy. I didn’t want a call to celibacy.
I mean, yes we’re Christians and we know what the Bible says, beht still…for real Lord?
Thank You for the process that has led me to this place, where I am once again committing myself and my sexuality to You, and asking You to make it a tool for YOUR glory, not mine.
Help me, for the days when someone comes by. Help me when I am weak and options exist. Help me when I give up hope and fall back into doubt. Help me when I forget. Help me to see that Your will is possible, that these dreams are possible, that there exists someone with whom I will partner for Your glory. In the end, it is Your glory that is paramount, Your will that is Supreme, Your pleasure that is my ultimate desire.
I accept this call and its responsibility, knowing that You have given me the grace to walk the path set before me… I commit myself to chastity, not for pride, but so that I can be a tool where others will see Your grace and Your possibility. I commit myself to the FULLNESS of Your will for me, knowing that You have plans much bigger than any I can think for myself, and willing to wait it out, as You work it according to Your will, in Your time and in Your way.
Feb 21, 2015
In the months since this discussion I have been strong and weak, full of faith and full of doubt. No matter how many times I try to persuade myself that perhaps I misheard, I know (and e dey pain me make I no lie) that this is His commandment for me.
I asked myself a question …What do you want most passionately? And the answer is, to be valued unapologetically, without reservation. To be accepted, listened to, to be treasured, loved, lavished upon, to be totally the reason why someone is gushing about the beauty of love at 3am in the morning. I will be satisfied, and content. And I will do it being myself. Unapologetically me.
I want it all Father. I want it all
(Feb 20, 2015)
Well…that’s my own assigned path to the all… I swear it’s like He said to me “You came to Me abi? You asked for My will abi? Oya start from there”
I have days when I wake up and tell God, “Ermmm, that your message of that day… no vex, I no dey do again”. But …I have gotten through those days (I hope with all my heart I won’t have to get through many more). No matter how much I want to resist and protest, I know. So I will obey; this year, next year…as long as He asks. (Baba God epp please, let it not tay too much)
His will = My desire. That’s the bottom line.
Funny how you have no clue about the things you’re clinging to until you’re asked to surrender them.
This year, I asked God for bae, Dude gave me padlock and key.
Photo courtesy of Sydneyravine.
It struck me how the Nativity Story was actually an endorsement of sexual purity when I read this. Christ was born to a young woman who was engaged to a very understanding young man. I know angelic errands were run then but still, yes to the commitment Ariel!
Merry Christmas, everyone. God loves you. If you are ready to reciprocate his love, he’s more than willing in Christ to love you with heaven and earth. Amen.