I was searching for the link to something I wrote a while back, so I googled my name but I couldn’t find it on the first page. In desperation, I went to page 2 and that was where I found my 2015 review on stories.ng. After reading it, I said my prayers for the first time in a while that night and told God as many Thank Yous as I could before I slept. It’s not like I am where I want to be, but God, I am not where I use to be.
It is so easy to forget. We forget how difficult it used to be so even when we make little steps towards progress, we forget and keep complaining, murmuring, unsatisfied with our lives. This was me most of the year, unsatisfied because something I wanted desperately didn’t happen. I sort of gave up on my life and dreams and just existed.
I forgot that by July 2017, I was walking in the rain to work because I couldn’t afford an umbrella. I forgot that the thought of paying rent all myself was a fantasy. I forgot that two years ago, I made my budget so tight I couldn’t eat three times a day.
I made my family and friends so worried about me that they began to check on me every other day, but I remained self-absorbed in my sadness. I was actually very sad; in my head since I didn’t get what I wanted, my sadness was justified and nobody had the right to tell me to snap out of it, not like I could anyways.
Towards the third quarter of the year, it dawned on me that I was one of those people who are never happy no matter what they achieve. They get A and immediately start planning and worrying about B. I overlooked all the baby steps I took towards progress. People who saw me work, and my work, they marveled at how much I was doing, but did I ever pause to pat my own back? No. I went on. I was sleeping a maximum of 4 hours daily and just kept pushing myself. It was important to me to keep busy, free hours’ equals time to reminisce and that wasn’t good for me.
I remember the day I held my Master’s Madam thesis (yes, baby girl is now a Madam of History) in my hands, and I was happy for a total of 5 minutes then I started worrying about my exam scores and thinking of my PhD thesis. It’s crazy I tell you.
I was in love with someone, but do you know how difficult it is to love someone who doesn’t love herself? I couldn’t accept his love, then I did and the fear and panic set in. What if? What if? Then we hit a wall, I should have walked away, but having someone who thinks about the little things that keep you up at night felt good. Gugu. So I remained and kept taking, and taking. LOL. You thought I was going to say then I couldn’t take anymore and walked away? LOL. Baby girl remained there. I thought we’ll fight out our differences then we’ll be good. But you can’t force someone to fight for something they don’t want, one day he left. It’s still the most jarring thing that happened to me this year.
“Dear God, never let me think that anything on earth is greater than your love for me”
The anxiety intensified. Waves and waves of panic wrecked me. Pounding heart, knotted stomach, shaky hands, uncontrollable crying. I was/am a mess.
I tried to drown myself in work. I tried to show up for people I love. My emotions got the best of me. I got angry at those who love me, snapped at them and barely tolerated others. I am sorry guys.
My friend T told me, Lu, this is the future you dremt of, you must live now.
So I vow to live now, to celebrate all the little spurts of joy and happiness, to celebrate this woman I am and savour it all. I promise, I promise.
Here is to a more cheerful 2019.
Happy new year, guys.
Lucia Lucia Lucia. You know what you are doing and what to do. Here’s to the strength and courage to keep doing them in 2019. Thank you very much for sharing.