I started 2019 with a loss. I was a few weeks pregnant and just like the start of 2018, I had to go through an evacuation, again.
I was broken.
I didn’t know who to talk to. My man dealt with the loss by not being available. I checked online for miscarriage groups and tried to join the conversation – I didn’t feel any better. I went back to work just like I did in 2018 but still.. it didn’t get better. To make it worse, rumours were flying around online about me getting pregnant for another man and having an abortion.
I cried like a child when I heard about it.
I’ve done a lot of crying this year – in my car on the way from work or when I park or on my bed. No words, just tears. My mind is constantly in shambles, confused. Asking what exactly I did wrong to deserve the seemingly “unending catastrophes”. I really just wanted to be happy, and if possible, be married with a child. At what point did I take the wrong step? Constantly alternating between blaming myself and blaming God.
I didn’t even know what I needed. A friend? A listening ear? To be alone? To be held? No clue. I was a broken and to be honest, I didn’t see any healing in sight because I was hit at every corner. No breathing space. No time to heal. I was slipping in and out of depression and using work to get through the day. I was angry, bitter, ashamed and honestly, not myself. It felt like 2019 was out to ruin me. I battled problems from work, my finances were a mess, my family dependency was killing me. I just needed time to stop, so I could breathe.
It still hasn’t.
…I’m constantly worrying about one thing or the other. I’m a financial mess. I’m mostly sad. My sleeping pattern has changed. My monthly flow is now heavy with unbearable pain. See, everything is just out of place! No savings, practically living from hand to mouth, a lot of debts because…
…2019 was not good to me at all and to be honest, I wish I could go back in time or skip the year altogether. I wasn’t prepared for the shit storm one bit!
Please don’t get me wrong, there were days a ray of light peeped into my ever dark tunnel and just for that moment, it felt like everything was alright but whenever I start to get comfortable, the cloud gathers and hit me with the craziest STORM.
Again, what exactly did I do wrong?
2019 is not a year I want to relive…
It’s Christmas, and like every other year for the past 4 years, it’s going to be a painfully lonely one with me having little or nothing to spend because “Family needs” and I’m here thinking to myself… how did it get this bad?
Then, I’m going to sink into the pit of sadness and probably cry myself to sleep.
However, despite all these, every time, I’m still quite optimistic about the New Year. Just like everyone believes, a New Year means another opportunity to start afresh. I look forward to the newly formed friendships, I look forward to love and I even look forward to the storms.
Have a message for women going through a miscarriage and cannot talk to anyone because of… the shame? • Do you feel like you failed yourself and the baby? • Do you feel like you are being punished for something? • You want to talk to someone about it but you are too ashamed to do that? • You are triggered by every mother’s day celebrations? I want to say, it’s not your fault. You are not alone… Forgive yourself …Forgive yourself.
Sighs. There are no words to say about how you feel. Like, how do you feel at all? I really pray you find divine comfort. Much love, dear friend.