Today sucked. If it were possible to tender in a letter like you do when resigning from a company I would have gone to tender a letter to my Prof. and scream in his face. It sucks more because I can’t rant to the one person I want to and no, I’m not complaining, I know you need to work and all but yea, I really need you now, this moment.
I once watched an episode of Grey’s anatomy where Meredith said there’s a reason why people don’t let anyone in; it’s because they try to avoid beforehand the pain they’d feel if or when those people leave…for whatever reason. I have let you in and it scares me how much of me I’m ready to do away with, all for you. I have made you my sole purpose for wanting to be here, not like I planned to but somehow, I feel safe with you. All my fears are gone, I remind myself of them but they don’t hold water anymore. My logical self tells me to hold back, set up walls and just put windows, windows that I’ll open up to you once in a while to give you access but I ignore it. This time I’m letting my emotions run the course.
My heart beats for you. This is not me trying to be a lyricist, it is how it is. I breathe in air and it feels like I’m breathing in substances that heighten my feelings for you. Every word, every moment, I hold on to them so dearly. It’s funny how you can make me do what I would normally find physically or mentally exhausting, even from so many miles away; you say it and suddenly it feels possible or maybe it’s just because I respect and think highly of you and trust you. I trust that you want the best for me and have my best interests at heart, that you wouldn’t let me follow a wrong path.
Let me tell you something funny; when we met, I told Dolapo you didn’t seem like someone I would like to take care of and make feel at home. That was my ego talking but look how the tables have turned. You take care of me, even now that you are thousands of miles away. You are home for me; where I want to be all the time, where I run to when the world is hurling its premium lemons at me and I’m too weak from the sores and pain to even pick the lemons talk less of making lemonades out of them.
I have listened to every love song on my iPod and gone through pictures of you and us over and over again and even though I miss you so much that it’s causing my chest to ache, I can’t help smiling about every memory we’ve made. The two weeks we spent together before you left have been the best two weeks of my life so far, I was the happiest I have ever been. I can’t count the number of times I have wished something would hit me like those guys in Misfits and make me have the power to be a jumper so I can spend at least every night and waking moment with you. Usually, girls dream of when “he” will propose, I am here thinking of when and how I’ll ask you to marry me and be mine forever. Yep, you are that amazing. Please don’t worry your cute self trying to figure out what it is about you that makes you my favorite person in the world; that’s what makes this beautiful, the fact that it can’t be measured by the physical. I have joined the school of thought that there’s a “the One.” You are my one, my only, my forever.
I miss you. I wish we had more than two weeks to spend together then. I wish we had our whole lives! I don’t ever want to have to be away from you. I crave your presence like an addict craves drugs. The logical part of me tells me not to show this to you when I’m done writing because it has exposed too much and with this I will make myself vulnerable but I don’t care. This is not me talking crazy but even though I know it’ll probably hurt my existence out of me, if you leave me I won’t regret letting myself fall for you. It feels so good to feel this way about someone you feel deserves it…for once in my life I am totally selfless.
These skype calls and chats and phone calls will soon become insufficient and I’m already saving towards that time so I can board a flight to come see you and cradle myself in your arms and feel your breath on my neck. And be where I want to be. I like how words are coming together to express how I feel, I hope that they have done enough justice to let you know how much you mean to me. I have to stop here now.
Do take care of you my dearest.
From the one who wants to spend all of her life loving you and, be all for you and all to you
Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to leave a piece of your heart with me and take a piece of mine with you when you traveled?
Thanks for sharing Deborah.