I wanted to tell a story I would be proud of, a story that you could retell but to be honest, my 2018 was somehow.
At the beginning of the year, I had a job that paid ok and I was able to save from but it was not on my career path, so I spent most of my free time attending interviews, shooting the ever loving CV at jobs that interested me. Eventually, I had to return home, it was not a hard decision because I always prepare for all scenarios while hoping the best comes (a colleague now, says that is defeatist and pessimistic sooo yeah). Family was kind to me, let me know that I had done well and I still had a lot to achieve but should not rest on my oars (What oars please? I did not even own a floater). I was nothing, nobody. I also realized how less of a caring brother/son I am and I am working on fixing on it. I noticed how much external validation acknowledgement meant to me. Oh and let’s not forget that I started a Coursera course that I would never finish. The only constants this year were the procrastination, the disappointments, the sadness and Kpuboy and I looked forward to every one of them.
For some reason, being in a relationship started sounding nice again, reached out to old flames and met new ones (lmaooo…these are tales you only let out when you are drinking). I became particular about the way I want to feel but I was still going for people that I am not their spec (Lord Jesus thank you and my family for the fortitude and upbringing to handle the curves and taking the rejections in stride). I was still jobless and my savings kept depleting. I barely ate, barely functioned, just stayed up watching videos of Ninja, Kurzgesagt, Slow-Mo Guys and all REACT videos on YT. Took a pact not to drink until the Friday after I get a job (terrible decision but I stuck to it and drank myself to piss on that Friday, Ziko has the videos!). Spent a couple of days in Calabar for my 26th birthday and it was blissful. In all of this, somehow I had become comfortable with myself; my emotions; me. I could share thoughts, feelings and self with family and friends without the nagging fear of humiliation or worse.
This stretch of the year was the worst, back and forth in every single aspect of my life, nothing made sense again. I kept trying to center myself but something always flipped. I was tired, temperamental and I did not want to live the life again. Ending it seemed better off, I wouldn’t have to want anything, I wouldn’t have to aspire to anything, it will just go away and people will forget me after a while. My mom had a health scare and had to travel; my dad’s health was off; issues with school for my siblings and the feeling of guilt that in all this I could not be grateful for what I had. How could I be grateful, if to do that I would have to use the misfortune of others to make myself feel better about my situation, heartless innit? I made the jump to Lagos. Started a job I wanted, semi-hostile environment but its calm, I sincerely want to change it. I hope I will.
Generally I felt good on some days made mistakes on some but some days were way worse than others. Uduborman noticed and I am sincerely grateful for that tweet of his. I stopped being afraid; I check on family a lot more now and my friends too! One morning while on 3MB, I suddenly realized I didn’t have the need to jump. I looked out across the water and I saw she was calm, she didn’t care that I was there and neither did I pay her any mind, as I was focused on the fisherman that sailed across her. I am trying not to rush anything anymore, I am trying to relearn my profession, and I am finding me. Family, Unekwu, Maleeka, Udochi and Kene, Reavers, Niggies, Nights at Sao, Tenidaentertainer, Jon Bellion, Stromae, Thank you.
My 2018 was somehow, if you see progress, that’s cool and if you can sense my sadness that’s calm too. I have accepted the cards that I am dealt and the consequences of the plays I have made. 2019 seems like it will better (no promises either), so in the words of my brother, my friend… We move!