Horrible Firsts: Gatecrashing

Good morning peoples!!! This month we invited stories from tellers who had gone through some horrible first time experiences. Read the seductive introduction of the series/call for submissions here LINK.

We have some sad stories on our queue but today’s story kicks us off on a humor-tragic note. We hope you enjoy it.


They say, do something new, do something new, but I said to be doing something new is not a Nigerian thing. Do you understand? They still continued and said be doing something new. So I said I will do something new based on what is constant.

So I gate-crashed a wedding.

Wait, I didn’t gate-crash just like that. First, I did the proper thing. I sat down and asked myself, “Osisiye, do you have white native?”
I said yes. So I went to Oriental Hotel. They are always doing wedding there.

Everything went fine. I entered. I sat down at a table. I waved at the couple in front. I heard that because a couple are always happy on their wedding day, if you go and hug them, they will hug you back. No time! So as I entered, I waved at them, looked at the person close to me and said, “Such a happy story. I am happy they are finally together after all the challenges.” He said, “My brother, as if you know. God win.”

That one too is constant. All couples pass challenges to get married. If you think there are no challenges, why are you not married?
I remained in front and snapped the couple as they were dancing. Sometimes I would shout “Woohoo”, especially when the bride komole-d. Everything was going fine.

Suddenly I went to a table, sat down and called one of the ushers “Heyyys”. She came and I asked for juice. It took her 10 minutes to bring the juice. I noticed that in the place opposite the hall, they were pressing bell on the table to order for stuff. I went there. I decided to start small so I rang for small chops. Sharp-sharp, it came. I beeped for juice just to test response rate between both places. I rang, juice came pronto. Obviously, where I was was high class. That was when I went hard. Yagaaa!!!

Meanwhile, remember, I am now a published author and my book is hotting in the market, so once in a while, someone that I don’t know knows me.
That’s how someone slapped my back as I was eating cow leg.
“Ah, Taf! How far. So you know Tope and Temi? Awesome. I gave Temi a copy of your book the other day.”

First, I wanted to appreciate this friend for buying 2 copies of my book. Secondly, I wanted to tell him to stop shouting so. But most importantly, I noticed the couple were now walking around this VIP section and telling people thanks for coming.
“Wait, they are almost here. This is so cool!” He placed his hand on my shoulder and looked at the approaching couple as they stopped to greet folks.
The next scenes happened in slow motion.

I stayed very still so that he might forget I was there. I stayed like this.


Later, I changed to this.


He started humming to the song that was playing, so I knew this one had passed me by. But as I was planning to imperceptibly move away, he hollered at the passing couple.
“Temi love, happy married life. Guess who’s here? The guy whose book I gave you the other day. Small world. Didn’t know he was a friend of yours”.

I will stop the story here. I’m serious, I will stop here. Can you force me to write what I don’t want to share?

To be doing something new is not a Nigerian thing. Sometimes it will lead to shame. It might be sweet when you are eating the cow leg but it will still catch up with you. Do you understand?


Osisiye Tafa is a Banker by day and writer by night. He has been published in The Guardian, Businessday, Thisday, Ovation, Y-Naija among others. He writes faction-fictionalized re-telling of actual events which he shares on his blog, LINK . His debut book ‘Sixty Percent Of A True Story’ is available on Amazon, Konga, Terra Kulture, Laterna and Patabah bookstores.


Bluestocking. Dilettante. Pluviophile.


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