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Yesterday my wife reminded me about the faulty faucet in our bathroom and how it’s always dripping noisily. What actually hurts her is that the dripping follows a predictable time cadence. She struggles to sleep when there is any background sound that’s predictable by any of the laws of Physics or mathematics, including from ceiling fans and sometimes from my snoring, common snoring. The thing is I never admit that I snore to my wife, my father has never admitted that to my mother and I won’t let him down in my young marriage. I do admit once in a while but I quickly add that it’s because I’m very sick, then wait for her to say she’s sorry, or I start making problems for everybody.

Well this time I was tired. It was a Saturday, I told her not to be confessing negative things about my properties. Women every time want you to be a hero. They need you to just quickly rush out, fix faucet, repair noisy door, fill up fuel tank, pray like wounded warrior, skip Arsenal match, press clothes for the week and provide listening ears. When you are done doing all these things sometimes, you will just look like somebody that escorted truck of carrots from the North. Then while you are nursing your wounds and asking yourself why you rushed into marriage, they can wake you by 10pm and tell you motor is dirty and if we want to make first service on Sunday, we need to clean motor. Haaaaaaaaaaay! This Woman, kuku kill me ma.

Sometimes, I just plead with my wife. I don’t have power, I am not a hero. I am a small boy and I just want to lie down and press phone like my other mates that are not married.

I’ve identified the main challenge facing our young marriage and it’s that I don’t know how to read minds very well.  You know how women ask you how their make-over abi makeup game is and how their gown is and they want you to come up with turbo charged quote? Many times I don’t read her mind well. I reply “Ah! na wa”, when I don’t really like the gown like that instead of just saying “in the words of our father Martin Luther King, woman, thou art comely, thou dost make this gown look so good. On any other woman, this gown wouldest not look this good ma”.

If you are planning to get married – forget everything else – if you can through practice and many prayers, up your mind reading game, you won’t face most of all these challenges many of us married young men are facing today. It will be home run for you. At the very least, you should be able to tell when she wants to hear the truth about her eye pencil game or when she needs you to sit back and let this woman know through quotable quotes that she is “fleeker” than six thousand naked French models. You just keep telling her all these sweet things about her shape until she is sitting on the floor, weeping and gnashing her teeth like small pikin. Then if you are like me, you can seize the opportunity to ask her how much she has in that her other UBA account that she hides like secret cult.

So my phone got bad and I’ll discuss this in another post. We have been fighting because I believe my wife didn’t mourn the phone as much as she would have mourned hers. She’s told me to have faith that the phone will come back to life but brethren my faith is weak and I just need us to agree in our next family meeting that I can buy myself good phone and they won’t pursue me from the house.

There’s plenty we want to do with money and my conscience will wake me up at night many times like prisoner of war and ask me to provide reasons why I bought the phone. You know conscience is like an open wound, but I can deal with my conscience by reassuring myself that God still loves me. It’s just harder to deal with conscience and in addition deal with wife that is not very happy.

Sometimes this thing happens in marriage when you want to tell your wife that you want to take small money from family savings to buy bigger TV and video game; you pick the right restaurant for evening hangout to break this news to her and order two hot “moi-moi” for her with Coke. Drinking Coke goes against everything your abroad Student Visa Twitter friends stand for but this time it’s no big deal because you have a vision. The whole date your wife complains to you how some people in her office are not nice. You keep trying to steer the conversation to very happy topics like how you are the most selfless man she knows, so you can finish her off with your request but by the time things start to get quiet, moi-moi and Coke would have finished. Because you are a responsible young man you adjourn the meeting and hope to try another day instead of giving the love of your life two bottles of Coke.

Happy women’s day Uche. It’s easy to see why women must be treated with a lot of respect when I look at you.

We move!

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