I have often wondered why I didn’t walk away from Seun earlier, why I stayed back and let love (or whatever it was at the time) turn into hate. I have wondered why I let myself get so bitter it spilled into other areas of my life. Why did I send all those nasty emails that will always be there to remind me of how much of an emotional wreck I was?

Now, I look at him and wish that he would do this and do that, you know, all those nice things that lovers do. I hang on to hope of what I think could be. I get mad on a regular basis but I try to put it under control. I say it’s okay to fight a little. While I let this happen on one side, my subconscious who isn’t moved by my pep talk is running its own show. It is this subconscious that lets me reach out to other people seeking all kinds of comfort – emotional, financial, sexual. You see I am letting bread crumbs that fall off the table sweep me off my feet, trying to keep sane, to keep it together somehow.

People have friends with benefits, that friend they sleep with because there is no desire to be committed to each other, just that desire to quench whatever fire burns within. I met Kene at a party, we exchanged numbers and had sex. He tried to be decent, offered me some sort of friendship. I pushed all that away, I wasn’t interested in him, I was being consumed by my feelings for another. Another person that would not give me the love I wanted from him. As the weeks passed, I ended up creating a strictly physical relationship with Kene, there were no words between us, no words other than what was necessary to get sex going. No words, just sex, I still have my eyes on Seun.

Ayo comes into town, I don’t like him anymore but I go to see him and we have boring sex. Okafor’s law and stress I tell myself.
I go on a date with my MCM and we kiss. He is afterall my MCM and he feels me in some sort of way. How cool is that?
A familiar face in another city. Alcohol and sex. What happens in Ibadan stays in Ibadan. No need to keep in touch after this.

I am upset, why won’t he do this? Why won’t he do that? Does he not love me? I know he likes me because he did this and said that. Round and round I keep going, focusing all my energy on him while I fail to realize that somewhere in the background is my subconscious, running a parallel government, making the same mistakes I made years ago.


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Have a lovely weekend.