You know, every year when I write these, I feel the urge to be positive about my year; to try and put on a brave face and start this series on a great note. Most years I fail and I must warn you I am failing again this year. The problem is I only know one way to live my life: to be honest, to sit with my feelings and to not pretend when people ask me how I am. So I’m treating this like you guys asked how I am.
So here we go:
I’m not okay, guys (here I go being vulnerable on the internet again, sorry to my real friends who try their best).
I don’t know what to say (or write). A lot of it feels too personal to share on the internet and probably not mine alone to share.
Every area of my life has pretty much been a crap show this last year. It started good, I was doing a job I loved, living in a flat I had personally curated, going to the theatre, hanging out with friends, being the cool lecturer.
But then the ever-thickening, all prevailing cloud of depression landed as it always does. 2020 aided by introducing uncontrollable factors: corona, having to move out of my flat, summer leaving me with nothing to do and my therapist taking time off to figure her future out (even therapists have a life, am I right?)
So then the predictable things followed, I fell off the face of the earth, buried myself in work, in taking care of people physically around me to the detriment of my friendships, my emotional and mental health.
But predictably, you can’t bury your feelings too much. They erupt eventually. And there I was at rock bottom again. I am rock bottom again. The good news is there’s only one way up and so here we go again, here I go again.
Here comes the encouragement though:
I’ve done it before, I can and will do it again. My life has been characterised by my incredible ability to fall and rise again. I will pick up the pieces of this interesting (and some might say difficult) life I’ve been handed and have fun while doing it. Make no mistake, my life is fun. Very hard but fun as well because if there’s one thing I will not let depression take from me, it’s my sense of fun. I will let myself have my down times but I will have fun.
In some ways, my writing here has evolved from writing in detail about my year to some sort of musing about my current state. It’s been very helpful and painful to go through previous years (it’s been ten years) and read how things have changed but also not changed.
And now for the vote of thanks.
Thanks to Efe for letting me do what I like and not bothering me too much when I don’t hand these in until 9 am on the 1st.
Thanks as always to my incredible wall of friends who always do their best to protect and shelter me from some of the harsher realities of life, for not dumping me and for seeing what I can’t see in myself. For giving me something to live for (don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing by naming me godmother to your adorable children). Thank you for letting me live through you guys, your happiness and triumphs make my heart sing.
Thanks to vitamin d, lamotrigine and fluoxetine.
Thanks to the reader who always comes back to read these things for some reason. I hope my writing gives you room to breathe, makes you feel seen and helps you express your vulnerabilities a little more. We are all having a crap time, misery loves company.
And now a blessing,
‘May you feel safe,
May you feel loved and
May you live with ease’
Happy new year Moyin!
You’re the only person that has reviewed her last 10 years in writing on this blog. You see that? Staying power! Your 100k cheque is in the mail. Cash it and shut down 2021.
Much love, Efe.
And so the 2020 review begins. Are you finally ready to tell us about how your year went? Send your entry here: firstname.lastname@example.org with a picture of your choice to capture the year. We will have Mercy on here tomorrow. See you!