*sips red wine* What’s up? Okay so I wanted to be dramatic and go as far as 2012 to talk about my experiences, but ain’t nobody got time for that. This is the first time I am writing something to be published and I had to be tipsy to do this because it meant spilling a lot and I can’t do that when I am sober. Lmao, fake deep. I also wanted to be anonymous too, but fuck it.
OOOKay this feels good talking about shit. As I write this, in this moment, I want to go for a drive to reflect, think *sips some more red wine* Anyway, I have had such a year of learning, unlearning, been confused, understanding, detoxing, healing, and growing. I love it. A few things happened to me this year.
I went through three jobs within a space of 6 months, I had the worst financial year, I was still depressed, and didn’t go to classes in the second half of the year. Listen, this is so much to put out there, but I will try because dear God, I hate, and love this level of vulnerability I have acquired.
But with all the things I went through, and all I put the people I love through, I learnt so much. I gained so much. So much. This is the year I summoned the courage to say to myself “Chioma, something has to change”. This year I made the biggest decision ever. Forgiveness. Can’t begin to express the freedom I experienced after making that decision. It’s like you’re released, and your dear heart has lost some weight. I remember Kola said, “Forgive this person, you will see how it would benefit you”. I didn’t understand it, but now I see it. I understand it. To Kola, you helped with so much, the advice, all of it, the things we talked about years ago I begin to see and understand they have manifested in my life. I put our relationship in jeopardy, and I hope that one way other, or the other we can out from this. Sometimes I feel like we are done, but I need you to take all the space you need to heal. I This year, I decided to trust God. I decided to let Him in. Listen guys, I have lived on earth for over two decades, surrounded by Christianity, but I did not begin to connect with God on a deeper level till December 2017. I had prayed for this for 6 months. Dad said to me in October “Chioma, God has done something for you, be thankful” and I did not know what it was till December.
My healing started in December. The 1st of December guys. SO while I was switching jobs, I was learning, first, as a Life Producer, and back to working in the health field,and while my finances were messy I learned that money is always secondary. Listen guys, God helped me. He gave me peace. Also, finding peace, and connecting with Him did not mean that I had to be perfect, but that I was accepted with all my messes, and could now walk in His grace, word to Mr. El. God opened my eyes. I have not been sure of what I wanted to do; I have taken interest in a lot of things; Fashion, Health, and even Music, but because I have been afraid I have not done any of those, so here’s what will happen in 2018; because I have newly found confidence, security, and peace from the actual Source, I will do everything. I will go in, and do everything. I will be kinder, (Kinder because it is a vital part of life, of relationships. It makes all the difference.) stronger, more confident, build that fat ass I have always wanted, and love more and better. Also, I learned that the healing journey is like waves. Some days I am happy, and on some other days I fight my battles. I need to be patient with myself, I need to forgive myself also. This is the most difficult because I know what I lost, the damages made, and the pain caused. Everyday, I am unlearning, relearning, and learning. I am thankful.
‘Then there’s Ruth; Dear Ruth you are amazing. You are god in human form. With you, I have known kindness. I watched people understandably shut me out because of my flaws (That I swear that I am working on), but you? Remember when you walked into the room and popped off? Thank you for that. It hurt, but it was cold, hard truth. Thank you. You have been there through it all. Your toughness has rubbed off on me. Even when I am not the best, when the monstrous part of me has manifested you have chosen my good side. Because of you, our relationship; I need to be better. Thank God for you. Ahurum gi nanya my darling. Fervently. Gladly. With everything in me, Onyinye, I love you. Thank you.
As the intoxication wears off, I can begin to feel myself close up. This is where I stop my ranting. Thanks for your time, and cheers to an even more awesome year ahead. 😀