I randomly stumbled on this blog and I sobbed a few times while I read some reviews and I knew I had to write something. I realized I was not the only going through something and that sometimes we overrate our existence/importance that we forget about other people’s pains and struggles.
I don’t even know where to start but 2014 hasn’t been the best. This post may seem a little bit disjointed and scattered, but forgive me. I’m writing these thoughts as they come.
I have had to struggle with everything this year, with every little thing. There’s this quote I have written at the back of my journal
We don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain
This year I have felt pain more than ever, I know what it means to almost die of heartbreak (lol) and I know what it means to watch as the world passes you by. This year I also watched three amazing movies that made my throat dry up and made me realize how important (or fickle) love and friendship could be: The Great Gatsby, Ruby and The Fault in Our Stars.
I finished national youth service this February. Serving in a strange town, Suleja (niger state) was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. I had plans and friends and a boyfriend. But I feel like after service everything came crumbling. I got home to a hostile (financially and emotionally) environment (I haven’t really stayed a long while at home since I started uni) but I didn’t let that faze me, I was young (my 21st birthday was few days before my passing out ceremony) and I was sure I had a bright future ahead of me. I had always been the carefree, nonchalant, impulsive child and I had never really gotten along with my parents and I think to some extent that was fine with me. I consoled myself with the fact that all I had to do was get a job and I would be out of their hair. If only it were that easy.
Fast-forward to April, my boyfriend and I broke up; he claimed he couldn’t deal with the distance. I later realized it had been over for a while, I just didn’t have the heart to let him go. I know we don’t always get the love we deserve. I have been angry for the better half of this year and I don’t want to be that girl. I’m not that bitter person I see in the mirror but I learnt that it’s ok to cry sometimes. As innocent as I might look, I have a heart of stone. I learnt that it’s okay to trust and let yourself go, I just pray it’s not for the wrong person (again). Along the line I started talking to someone I thought “gets” me, but he was really no different, after months of being ‘lovers in the making’ and months of ‘praying about us’, I found out he had a serious girlfriend through an instagram post (sucks, I know, right?). Talk about getting heartbroken by someone you weren’t even dating. I have learnt how to be strong(er) and I’m in the process of being a better woman.
My job search hasn’t been positive, travelling to Lagos every other week for tests and interviews hasn’t been easy as well. It has gotten me so depressed because I know there is so much I could be doing yet I am here, living with my aging father who can wake up and decide he doesn’t like me wearing jeans. Or decide I have a 6 pm curfew. With each job regret mail, my heart sank, some even after I would have gotten to the last stage. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, asking myself why my efforts were not enough. I know it won’t go on forever but sometimes I feel like it’s some sort of punishment for my past sins. I have been idle for almost a year now and it sucks more when you know that a lot of your friends whom you started the journey with are in better places.
This year I have struggled with Christianity the most. I have struggled with the concept of love and happiness. I have struggled with family. I have struggled with friendship. I have struggled with loneliness.
However, I’m grateful for health. And friends. And good food. Friends that have made me smile through it all: Malobi, Shade, Moyo, Tonia, Remi, Joshua, Tobi. This year also brought me Demi (my chubby guardian angel). I can’t not be grateful. I’m in the process of finding myself and I might be baeless, jobless and broke but I’m full of life and hope. And I’m not going down without a fight.
Sote, you’re not going down. You’re might seem down but the good thing is, the only way now is up. Prepare for the time you will have to arise. See that light at the end of the tunnel?