2013 ended on a high note for me and naturally the expectation was for 2014 to deliver on other hopes and dreams. I just had a baby; I was glad, grateful and took on the year full of hope. As a family, we had plans for the year all riding on the back of this one special, major plan coming through. You know how it’s easy to have faith when you think you know exactly how things are going to pan out. That was exactly how I felt.
“You can make many plans, but the Lord ’s purpose will prevail.” Proverbs 19:21 NLT
Normal hustle and bustle of everyday life started and the first quarter of the year flies past and then the second quarter comes on board. Then it happened. BANG!!! It was like a truck hit me from nowhere crashing my special major plan. My precious, beautiful, well thought out plans. All gone!!! I was distraught, shocked to my marrows. Like I said, from nowhere. I didn’t see that happening. Have you ever made plans that fell right through? If yes, then you must be familiar with the feeling of uncertainty that comes right after. Sometimes the emotions involved run deeper than uncertainty. You begin to doubt yourself, you feel like your life is at a standstill and you get to listen to everyone give an opinion on what you may have done right or wrong that resulted in that outcome.
“Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” Hebrews 12:15 MSG
I was so sad. I have had plans that fell through before but this time it was different. My reaction surprised me. I didn’t even realise at the time but I became a terrible terrible person. Selfish, grumpy, bitter, jealous and angry. I forgot about all the other things I had going for me. Thinking about it now is almost depressing. And I am ashamed of myself. To think that I allowed myself sink to that abysmal level is terrifying. Well this was me for almost the first half of the 2nd quarter of the year. If the saying goes ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, at this time it sounded more ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you bitter.’ Bile had nothing on me. It was so easy wallowing into my world of self pity and with time, the chatty, fun loving person gave way to a bitter, resentful complainer. The ‘why me’ question blinded me.
I thank God for family that prayed and talked me out of the demon I had become. They scolded me out of my deep ingratitude and I realised I had a lot to be thankful for. I really did. My disappointment was not the worst to think of it. I found strength and moved on. I just told God this matter is in your hands and moved on with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Even then it wasn’t easy but I chose to focus on the good. I chose not to allow my disappointment define me. I seized opportunities with both hands, gained critical, life changing skills in the intervening period. I kid you not, after I decided to stop being miserable, I made the most of my season.
“Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof…” Ecclesiastes 7:8 a KJV
Things didn’t immediately turn around, infact they got even worse before they got better. I lost Grannie Mo’ to cancer, right before my eyes. My Lover from nowhere had serious health challenges, my grandma fell on her 77th birthday and had to have hip replacement surgery and stuff kept piling on my little head. Tough times but I didn’t complain. I took them all in my stride. Next thing we are in the 4th quarter of the year and then BANG!!!. I was hit again but this time my world turned around for good. The disappointment of the second quarter that almost turned me mad became a reality, when I wasn’t even expecting it.
I thank God that 2014 is ending well for me and mine but writing this review made me think more on what I did that landed me in that dark place. I kept my mind on all that went wrong. It was major set back to my family but I had more than enough to be grateful for. Weeks of my life wasted on permutations, self pity and comparing myself with other people’s lives as seen on instagram, facebook and twitter. Never again. That terrible version of myself must die permanently.
For me 2014 was a year of attitude adjustment and growth. I saw my flaws albeit from a low place and gratefully I became a better person in my transition. Now I look forward to 2015 and whatever challenges it brings with hope that it can only make me stronger. And it’s a year of new beginnings…my transition season is over.
So 2015, bring it on.
I love the photo of the kids. Thank you for sharing and for not letting bitterness take over.