“He was like an eagle hovering over its nest, overshadowing its young,
Then spreading its wings, lifting them into the air, teaching them to fly
God alone led him” Deut 32:11-12
Tell me twenty things you like about yourself
Twenty? I did not think I liked even one thing about myself. But he insisted; my friend and my confidant. So I started. It took a long time but eventually, I was able to write down twenty things about myself that I like. That exercise set me free. All my life I had never felt good enough, pretty enough, worthy of affection…
After I learnt to love myself, I realised that I had always had love but I just couldn’t see it. I still refer to that list occasionally.
This was a very dark time in my life. I felt as if everything I had ever believed in was a lie. The voices were always in my head telling me that God wasn’t real and that I had no hope of a life beyond this. I had never felt so much despair in my life. Then, the nightmares started. Lord give me a sign please, I pleaded every day. Help me believe. So I buried myself in the Bible, reading as much as I could, praying as often as I could in spite of the voices telling me that there was no one there to listen to my cry, listening to Christian music, reading Christian literature, watching TV evangelists… For the first time I felt real empathy and sympathy for those who have some form of mental instability.
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:4, 5 (NKJV)
Have you ever felt real peace before? That absolute quietness that defies understanding?
I remember the day the voices stopped. After months of turmoil, I finally felt peace. God had answered my prayers.
God always does much more than we ask or expect him to do. For months I had been in gross darkness and suddenly I could see God… everywhere and in every creature. In the Bible. In the works of His hands: the woodpecker specially designed to withstand hardship, the colours of the rainbow, the sun, moon and stars.
I saw God in my friends, In the love H has for the unlovable, in E’s faithfulness to unfaithful lovers and friends, in B’s strength even though the world had repeatedly tried to break her into pieces; in F’s purity in a world of increasing depravity; in A’s ability to see beauty even in the ugliest things; in K’s determination to endure hardship in order to achieve his goal.
In me, fearfully and wonderfully made
I once feared that my voice was not strong enough. Then I lost my voice.
I can’t sing to save my life, I can’t play any instrument, I can’t swim, I can’t drive, I can’t draw or paint, I can’t even make my natural hair behave…
All these years, I had been focusing on the things I cannot do.
This year, I found out that I can actually write.
So I started a blog. I write stories, poetry-ish stuff, random stuff…
I have had many fears over the years: fear of commitment, failure, decision making, public speaking, driving…
I faced a lot of my fears this year by the grace of God and to the glory of God. I started driving (again), gave a spoken word presentation, and continued doing a particular job in spite of my fears. I am learning that in order to grow, I can’t go through life afraid. I cannot leave a career just because I am afraid of failure. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I started the dating thing this year. First time in many years. Baby steps. I am learning that it is the little things that matter, like when I say “I love you” and he replies “I love you more”.
Laziness, Distraction, Procrastination
It’s December, I still feel the same way. But I made a lot of progress in November and I have been working every day… I still need to work on this though.
Protection, Journey mercies, helpers
I visited Benin, Warri, Ibadan, Ife, Abuja, Kano, Calabar, Minna, Kaduna, Zaria and Lagos this year. I travelled alone (except from Zaria to Kano) and stayed in hotels, etc. I experienced so many miracles and God really helped me during this period. I am grateful for the protection, provision, help, success and everything in between.
I find it really really difficult to fast. 100 days fasting? How? Why?
It was His grace all through. I remember running to a restaurant and buying rice, eba and soup, doughnuts, sausage roll, extra meat and fish just to break one day’s fast lol. I am grateful for the experience and I am not ignorant of the spiritual growth I experienced during and after the fast. (Not saying we should have another one next year oh).
I am not smarter than a 5th grader
God has been so good to me this year. And not just to me but to my family and friends. Many have had amazing testimonies of promotions, success in examinations, journey mercies, divine health.
I prayed for a good accommodation this year. I finally got what I thought was one even though I did not fully inspect the house; I just saw that the view from the house was great and decided to take it. It turned out to be pretty rubbish after I had paid the rent and signed a contract. There was nothing in the house, it was overpriced and the plumbing did not work.
So I started blaming God. I could not understand how He would allow me to make what I thought was a really big mistake. It was really bad- I complained, I grumbled.
That’s when it hit me. It was so easy for me to lose faith. Something as minor as the ‘wrong’ accommodation and I already doubted God’s love for me. If I had gotten a really great one, I would have gone to church on Sunday to give testimony. Only appreciating God when the going is good and doubting him because of a minor setback?
That humbled me and drove home the fact that but for God, I would have lost faith tey tey. I would have been dead and buried, lost in sin, without hope. But God is faithful, merciful, kind, forgiving. I am nothing special, just a little girl whom God has got a hold on.
And He will never let me go.
I guess this one word sums up everything I have learnt and I’m still learning this year
Truth that Faith conquers fear
Truth that Light dispels darkness
Truth that each and every one of us is beautiful and gifted and loved by God
And Truth that Love…
Love conquers all