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You are the reason why I lift my hands.
Isn’t it very cliche of me to start my post with a line from a worship song? I really wish I could shout my praise from the mountaintop! This year – December 3, 2014 to December 2, 2015 has been one helluva year.
For the better part of this year, I felt:
By January, this was how I felt. It all didn’t make sense to me anymore. It seemed like no one cared to hear, no one cared to understand. Faux smiles and side hugs. Bold laughter with no single hint of the fear that was simmering inside me. What had I done? When 14 month old decisions start to haunt you and there’s no one to cry to because you knew exactly what you were doing.
By February, we had lost. A lot. A whole lot. Or, so it seemed. Everything we thought we had was gone, all gone. What had I done? Played like Daniel into the lion’s den in the thick of the night and there was no King Dairus to reassure me. No one to look in and say “…the God whom you diligently serve” because, the diligence in your service went on vacation with you and never returned. Alien in another land, roaming.
By March, I had no mind of my own. A puppet and I couldn’t even move to the strings.
Dead, to my mind. Dead, to my heart.
Callous to anyone who dared to enter.
By April, they took a loss. I moved. Out and away. After a while, you realise that the desert is really just a desert and you’re not cactus enough to survive there.
So, you run.
Run far and out.
Run for structure.
Searching for standards.
May the wind be ever at your back.
Mine has this as his Email Greeting. It means a lot to me. You know, this is an indication that you are still living, still walking. Your back is not on the ground.
Let me fix that.
A NEW BEGINNING.
May. By May, it felt like I had just gotten a new lease on life. Everything was brand new. Everything was fresh. Nothing was the same. It was all good again. Brand new me. Fresh gal! Walking with all the boldness in the world. Bless you, Beautiful Judaen Cub. 💕
JUNE. JULY. AUGUST.
Everything was working well. Lines were falling unto me in pleasant places. My song was that of joy, joy and joy alone.
In September, I died. For a second. Or, so I think. The last thing I remember saying was “Excuse me, I think I have an emergency” – an ECG, many tests and many needles later,I was IV’d up on a Tuesdayyyyy…
It is funny now but I assure you, It wasn’t funny then. I love how the doctor said “angina”… New word.
September seeped into October. Stole a couple of days from me. I desperately needed to return to work. I felt like I was nothing without my work.
The next phase was discovery – if you’re so passionate about perfecting someone else’s dream, what about yours? My target date had been Oct 1. But I wasn’t feeling very independent that day. Crying into my mother’s laps, watching my lover try to be strong for me.
I was back. Better. Stronger. New frontiers.
I learned that I did not know how to sell myself. I could defend other people, sell them with the best of words but myself was now difficult.
I read her words – the words she used to sell me. I was shocked. Is that really me? Is that really how you see me?
The Alaroro Blog (CLICK) came alive this month. Thank You, Qurr – Master of the Web Swords or something. Officially a blogger – I’m just trying to help you find more cost-effective alternatives for a fun and fabulous life!
A 35 month old mistake caught up with me here. I still can’t believe it. Lesson learned!
The month of my birth.
It is the first day of the month – If this is any indication of how my 2016 will be, then we are getting better and better!
I’m really glad I spoke to the awesome @Sisionabudget today – new turn, new things, hope eternal.
I will write again. Of how I once was lost…
I try to Skype him these days. I rarely visit his house. I should go more often. Learn to love some more. Love him some more. This long distance is killing me yet, everyday, he reminds me that he never left. I walked away. Let me walk back.
To Ade Ori Mi, Abanirin mi. Abanirin irin ajo mi. May this journey bring us the best of life. Our love will grow from strength to strength. You and I – Michael Bublé
To my spiritual roommates – 114 Quarters in a bit, yes? May 2016 bring you all rings. 😕😛
To my sisters – 🍸The rising moon up north, the one whose lightning captures in the south-west, the one of whom my twins will be, the burst of light and fragrance right in the center, the one I sold for love who has been a beautiful gift to us all… May 2016 bring us fulfillment!
To my brothers – 🍻 the maker of music, the purveyor-general of pop culture… May 2016 enlarge our coasts.
To everyone with whom I shared happiness this year.You will never know sorrow.
I have known fear, this year. Thick fear. Fear will not come near your dwelling.
There will never be a better yesterday – for you and for me. This marks the beginning of our best years.
Soundtrack – Jaywon | This Year
Happy birthday Sisi Sugar. I was chilled to the bone reading some of the close shaves you barely hinted at here. Not cactus enough for the wilderness of this life? That’s you and me both. Glad you’re still standing.
How’s the review going so far? If these are all the four I read this year I’m OK personally. But then, we have about 60 more to go. Don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t. And please share with your friends these testimonies.
See you tomorrow. 🙂