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I was in the dungeon with Rahman, the Head of Admin when one of the trainees came in.

‘Sir, I can’t find my laptop.’

The Head of Admin looked at him and smiled, ‘Imagine I don’t know. Now go and find it’.

As the trainee walked away confused, Rahman called him once more and repeated, ‘I will help you by unhearing what you just said, now go and find it!’

It was a ‘Sinzu is Sinzu’ moment for the trainee.

Brah! I can’t even believe I popped Perrier to enter 2016.

Flashback.

31 December, 2015

Me and the girlfriend were walking around the mall and in a flash of optimism, loose guardedness and blind expectation for the New Year, we threw a bottle of Perrier into the shopping cart. If I had known what was coming after, shebi I would have jejely put bottled water and been sipping as 2016 wanted to enter.

What kind of year was this sef?

And they warned me o. When Olamide dropped his cup at the Headies event, someone told me ‘Watch out, Olamide never drops his red cup’. After that, the things that started dropping in my life ehn…

2 October, 2016

Riding with a group of bikers on Ozumba Mbadiwe Road, we are taking the curve, I am banking and revving. We come out of the curve and I see red brake lights everywhere; traffic just after the curve. I slam on my back brakes and feel my tyres spin a sweet 180 while my handlebars turn and all control is lost.

All I remember is the glide towards the mashup of cars, all controls lost as the bike’s levers have since stopped responding. There’s a hit, some bright light and I am skidding on the asphalt at a fast rate. I look back and see my bike hurtling behind me, just in time to see it tumble over the divide. I grab a random car’s tyre and this turns me a full 360 degrees on the ground which breaks my slide and my biker friends are all around me. How does this shit happen?

September 2, 2016

I am in a room. These stiff, corporate types are all around me asking questions. One of them has a poor grasp of English and that annoys me even further. I hate this job, hate this life and in one burst of glory, I tell them to fuck off. No, I put my head on the table and say ‘I have told you what I have to say, please let me know your decision’. Of course, I have to leave.

2016 was a lot of burning and the only thing I can say is that the ash was beautiful. But who doesn’t know that ash is fine and when you blow it, you don’t know where it goes?

Sometimes you have to fail consistently so you recognise when things are going well and promise not to screw it up again and that’s what I think as I sit in this house, with this job, beside this lady; grateful.

2016 taught me things I always knew; that at a certain speed, you lose hearing. I am grateful for little things these days: I value a blunt more deeply, I think white walls are beautiful and the beauty of a ride is in the circles I draw not how fast I draw them.

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