Warning; this post is 2700 words long.
It’s the 1st of December and I’ve put off this review for as long as possible, last year I couldn’t put up a review and God knows it was a horrible year for me but I digress. This year. I know exactly where to start, it might be long but I’m unapologetic (No Rihanna on me).
So I’ll do my review month by month.
Like every good year before this, I entered the year in church, with my friend, wearing the shirt of the boy who left. I knew it was going to be a good year, I mean all good things start with heartbreak you know? I mean, look at Adele.
This time last year, I entered the new year dancing beside my uncle, but this year, he was dancing alone or with the angels or with demons, I have absolutely no idea but I digress, the thing is; he’s dead and I’m never going to see him again, R.I.P Uncle Isaiah.
The year wasn’t starting off too good in my opinion, fast forward to the middle of the month and I was in my own place; not happy, not sad, just there, you know, being Ogenna.
School started and I was going from home because I was still scared of being alone in my house, heartbreak will do that to you, ok not really, I just am attention starved sometimes.
Ending of the month and I was starting to feel better about myself, I mean, I got a job or two that I got paid for, 2015 alive yunno, model in the making and stuff.
It’s 7th of December and I’m just starting February
I finally went back to school after a while, and every day I would drink and proceed to cry myself to sleep, wake up hung over, do some bomb ass makeup to cover my sunken eyes and go to school.
I should win a Grammy for my acting.
(Depression will eat you alive, it really does that, if you know me, you know I’m the last person to talk about how I feel, I don’t even know how I feel, I can’t express emotions really, so what I do is laugh at whatever happens and sometimes someone randomly says “why are you always laughing?” at this point, I point an imaginary gun at the person and say “please step away from my defense mechanism”)
I was alive, isn’t that a lot? When I got sad, I’d say to myself “you ungrateful human, do you know people have died this year, and you’re being sad randomly about something you can’t really pin point.”
Skip, skip, my I.T defense came up, because I was sad a lot, I didn’t do my report myself, paid someone and he sold the same report to 4 other people who were in the same group as me, I almost cried, I just stood in front of my class wearing all black wishing it was him I was mourning, picked myself up with the help of my friends and eventually printed a report from last year and defended that, progress.
Results for the previous semester came out and my cgpa dropped by 0.9, I fell out with my dad,
Started my drinking again, soooo I was dealing with being depressed 24/7 and having to fake a smile everyday (because telling someone you’re depressed and having them tell you “you’ll be fine in the end” isn’t a good reason to tell the truth about how you really are), not talking to my dad, my cgpa dropping and constantly crying every day.
February was wonderful, I mean, I didn’t die.
March & April
I drifted through March and April in a haze really, I was a robot, wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, drink, repeat.
Exams came and I studied, studied like my entire life depended on it. And it was towards the end of April I understood how to make people happy without being happy myself, I was a catalyst and I was okay with it.
I understand when people say, we just exist, we aren’t really alive. I was simple existing and I lost another family member, my aunt died. R.I.P Aunty Chijioke.
Do you realize loneliness will make you look at the worst decisions in life like gold?
I let someone use me to get to someone in the name of “love” and I am still ashamed of it, we thank God for his grace in separating real friends from people who have set out from the beginning to use you. Daddy, forgive me.
In Engineering, you basically have to go on IT (industrial training) in your 4th year and as of the 1st of the month I had nowhere to go for mine, school was about to close, my closest friends in school already had their own jobs waiting for them, lol, I felt lost. If you’re an engineering student, you know I.T is kind of a big deal.
So there I was lost as fuck you know? Pardon my French.
This year I learnt to talk to God, so I spoke to Him, like “Homie, wyd, where’s the awesome year you promised me in church on January first? No, forreal, wyd? in my head, God’s voice is my first sister’s voice, she called me that evening and told me to call my uncle.
I got a job with an oil servicing company to resume on the 15th.
My aunt was buried on the 15th of May and I couldn’t cry,
I resumed work on the 18th of May.
I moved to Port Harcourt city with no friends/family in sight.
I was adulting in the worst way possible mean, I was only 19 and it wasn’t going too good.
Feeding myself and basically surviving on my 25,000 a month salary because I was trying to prove myself to my family that I was old enough now.
If you survived the last 6 months in the oil industry you can survive anywhere.
There were days I would be on my way home, break down on the road or in a cab and cry because the work load was too much and I wasn’t doing very well.
I was dying from exhaustion.
A month later and I thought of quitting the scene,
I learnt how stubborn I was this year and how much I can stick to something simply because I want to prove to myself I’m all not all looks, that underneath all this, there’s someone the world is waiting to see, I stayed on, I would wake by 4, lay in bed till 6 and think about my life and if my education is worth it if I have to go through this stress after graduating, and then I would break down, I wouldn’t cry, I’d just think of the fact that I have nothing extra going on for me, I realized this year that I have no idea what I want to be, who I am and where I’m going, I turned 20 this year and even if some people say it’s okay for a 20 year old to not know all these things, it made me sad, it made me start to doubt why exactly I was put here on earth. So I would get out of bed by 6, get ready and leave by 7 to get to work by 8, some days I’d leave by 7:30-8 and get to work by 8:30-9; I didn’t care, I was dying.
From June, I’d go home every Saturday to clean my house in Owerri because there was no help at home, leave PH by 6 after work every Friday, get into Owerri by 9 almost and leave Owerri back to Port Harcourt Sunday evening by 4:30 to get home by almost 10 because of traffic.
I was on auto pilot, I was skipping meals.
I was broke, this is the first time in my life I have ever been this broke.
I was fading away and worst of all, I was laughing all through it.
Skip to the end of June, I was at home in Owerri on a Sunday afternoon and it felt like I was hungry, I ate and the pain intensified, I like to think my tolerance for pain is high.
Break: I have just read my 2013 review and I cried halfway through it, I want to hug my 18 year old self and tell her, baby girl, live a little, it gets worse but on the bright side, you can dance through the future, it’s never that serious. Even if it gets that serious, laugh at life.
Continue: The pain continued, I struggled back to port Harcourt, halfway through the journey, I was yelling for the bus driver to stop the bus because I had to throw up, I was vomiting blood, (at least the mothers on the bus couldn’t give me side eye and say “look at this pregnant ashawo”, looool) I was sick, very sick, I got a cab back to where I was staying in port Harcourt. I didn’t get much sleep, went to the hospital after 2 days of excruciating pain and no, it wasn’t a girl, I had ulcer, congratulations Ogenna.
The doctor said something about how I might need surgery, I really wasn’t listening, his fine face + wedding ring + the pain + the fear of going under the knife for the 4th time was blocking my ears, I was shedding slave tears in front of a hot man, so he got the nurse in to give me painkillers (injections), I couldn’t handle ibuprofen because apparently it’ll worsen my situation and at some point in my teenage life I was somewhat addicted to it. I collected my drugs from the pharmacy, proceeded to drink my olive oil every day instead of the drugs (shalla to my mum for hooking me up with some of that oil) because I’m mad and I hate pills.
I was off work the first week recuperating, 2nd week I ghosted for my big cousin turned sister’s wedding in Abuja and the second wedding proposal for the year came in, I like looked at myself and realized I was getting old for man to be proposing to me, I was in shock for a while, thinking about it seriously, my aunt saying “nne better marry now you’ve seen husband” and my newly married cousin saying “don’t listen to her, don’t make a mistake because you’re scared”
He was serious about it. This year I also realized I have serious commitment issues; I gave him my number, promised to give him an answer in 3 days, on the 2nd day I left Abuja and I haven’t picked his calls since then, I know, fear will make me do crazy stuff. Came home to Owerri and my father’s niece stole my iPod (she’s not my cousin, don’t say that, I can fight you)
This review is getting long.
I’m not a model, I’m just a pretty face, I’m scared of critics and I’m too fat to be an Elite model.
Do you know I was born in August? And it’s the happiest time of the year for me because I count down to my birthday, I started my countdown. A week before my birthday, my friends agreed to all come into Owerri for it on the 20th (my birthday is 21st) on the 20th, everyone canceled on me, I took myself out, got myself a drink and some nice ass chicken to celebrate turning 20.
The 21st came, I didn’t get a gift, (I got almost everyone gifts for their birthdays because a lot of my friends have birthdays before mine, some people forgot) I went to work, got hugs and money, they threw in a townhall meeting (party but these oil money people like to be fancy) and I had over 50 people sing happy birthday to me, 20 was awesome. 22nd I came back to Owerri, I didn’t get a cake for my big 20 but laugh through the heartache and my best person came through for me; Chukky, if you’re reading this, know I love you a whole lot.
August 28th, I was robbed, they held my friend, I ran out to the road, they were four of them and they took my bag from her, they kept saying, if you shout, I will kill you and I kept shouting because those anti-HIV pills are big as hell and I don’t want to watch another friend lose her glow and the spark in her eyes because of rape.
They took my bag, my money, my makeup bag (my beauty, loool) and some other stuff, lucky me, I ran off with my bag that had my IDs, Debit cards and my phones, they didn’t steal our glow, they didn’t give us reasons to cry to God by 3 am and ask Him “are we not serving you well?”
Thank you Amy and Tunmise. Just, thank you.
September, October, November
I started to like my job, I was learning a lot, I was getting along with people at work, I was meeting more people, I was happy really, I was going out more and wearing more (home training won’t let me wear less, I’m sorry Drake).
Lost another uncle, R.I.P Uncle Nkemakonam,
Nkem akogo m.
October flew by. And my iPod flew back into my hands (it was a miracle)
November, you’d think I’d be happy to leave work at the end of my IT but I cried (I’m a big cry baby now).
I got gifts, I got money from people I wasn’t expecting, I got a call from a manager who wasn’t even in Port Harcourt telling me to collect a letter from my boss saying “On completion of my academic pursuits, I can come back for a job at the company”, I wasn’t the only IT student but I was picked out.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and he will establish your plans.
I know this isn’t a guarantee for a job but it’s a start.
I’ve let go and let God.
I learned to not stress myself; eventually everything works out for me in the way God has planned.
This year has been beautiful because I have learnt to see my down times as lessons,
I’ve learnt to rise above my worries and simply smile, life really isn’t that serious.
I’m here, I do not just exist, I’m living, and I’m dancing (no matter how bad at it I am).
My big sister graduated on the 3rd of this month.
I’m talking to someone awesome and hopefully this lasts more than 5 months.
I met the most awesome people off twitter on the 13th of this month; it’s really not just twitter, trust me.
My baby brother turned 4 this morning,
My immediate family is happy and well.
I’m grateful for friends who reached out to me when depression threatened to swallow me whole.
I won’t call names, they will read this and they will smile and God’s angels will reach out to them as they reached out to me.
To friends I didn’t reach out to a lot, I am sorry.
Waiting for school to start and I realized this is my last lap in uni, by this time next year when I’m writing my review, I will be a graduate (By the grace of God).
Everything that has happened in this life has simply brought me to this stage in life.
Everything really does happen for a reason.
I have learnt not to compare my growth to whatever growth I see in others, we are not the same and we do not grow at the same rate.
I have decided to bask in my awesomeness because I mean (not to sound too cocky and all) I am the coolest person I know.
I refuse to be ordinary, but in trying to be extraordinary I will not forget to live and enjoy the journey.
I learnt hugs will go a long way in making you feel better.
Merry Christmas & a happy new year in advance.
2016 will be wonderful for you and yours.
My name is Sunshine and I endorse this message.
I met Sunshine this year and I endorse the brand. May God shine his light on your path so bright that the sun will be ashamed to shine where you are Ogenna. I’m going to read this again and I hope we see more of each other next year. God bless.