I can basically sum up my 2013 in a couple of sentences. It was like two phases, first half in school, 2nd half at home. Then another two phases intertwined: The good and the bad.
2013 started off with me in church dancing with one of my best friends so pardon me for thinking it would be auto awesome.
School started off good, 2nd year, 17 year old with her professor father in the same department as her, the torment and all and all the eyes, bloody compound eyes from my lecturers trying to be in my father’s good books.
I realized a lot of things this year;
– I am not as smart as I thought or there’s something I’m not doing right, I’m having reader’s block if that’s even a word. I’m failing some of my courses if I don’t sit up.
– I don’t have a lot of friends or people I can actually talk to. I thought I did, again pardon me for my assumptions. I have like very few people I can bare it all for. Very very few.
– Apathetic best describes me these days, these emotions don left me. That’s the reason school is how it is and I’m not slightly concerned.
– I need drugs, alcohol or marijuana to be genuinely happy or to get my demons out of my head. I might also be mad.
– my family problems are worse than I thought but I can’t talk about that now.
– I really don’t know God like I would love to and it makes me almost sad.
It was also a year of firsts
– first time I snuck out of school and lied to my parents.
– first time of many I tried to kill myself.
– first time at a friend’s after wedding party.
– my first modelling shoot, was pretty good too.
– first try at being an adult; I turned 18 in August.
– my first 100k. Whoooooop. Saved up.
I can’t remember the other firsts, but 2013 has been a reality check for me if that’s the term to use. I have too many scars from cutting myself because of my white girl depression. I met awesome awesome awesome people off and on twitter, people I hope to see in person soon, people whom have helped me through some bad times.
I have eating problems now; I stopped eating and now whatever goes into my stomach, I end up puking. I have 2 baby brothers of 2 years and 4 months and they’ve turned me to their mother but I think they’re the reason I hold back from rash decisions all the time. Who will take care of my babies if I die now ? I’m learning Spanish and trying to learn to play the guitar. I was trying to hit 100 poems but my sister accidentally deleted the 50-something I had. (2013 has been a good year.) Buttt I’m still on my way to being a millionaire before I turn 20.
I’ve been home since before the strike. I’ve been turned into a housegirl, driver, errand girl, nanny, cook, housekeeper (insert whatever household staff here)
I’m not learning anything in my school so I made a decision to change schools this year but my dad has refused so I’m planning on dropping out of my present school and staying at home until he listens to me. Wish me luck, people, I’m gambling with my future.
I have a shitty relationship with my family. Insecurities and all that just sprung up this year.
Sorting out my music library.
Started writing again. Whoopp.
Ending this year with some awesome people even though no one will kiss me at new year, I’m going to kiss my Bible.
Learning to be strong again.
Learning to stop cutting and popping pills.
Haven’t smoked since March.
Haven’t drank much in a while.
I’m breaking down, but I’m still smiling. I need to. Who else will give you those cheeky grins with just one dimple ?
So Merry Christmas in advance to you from this 18 year old who’s going on 40.
I pray my 2014 will be better and yours too.
Smile 🙂 Everything happens for a reason and it will be alright in the end.
Oge, you’re so young and yet…. Slow down, smell the roses in 2014? We really really hope so. Thank you for sharing. Much love