“The world is my oyster, and dreams are meant for dreaming.”
That’s how my year started. Big dreams and no job, but I had prospects. The world was my oyster. I went to church, New Year resolutions in hand. If you place it before God, you have anointed it with oil. I prayed and I prayed and I trusted. A few offers and an interview later, I got a job.
Banker, Analyst. Fancy name, Fancy pay. I prayed and prayed some more. Before things go well, pray, when they do, pray even more.
February came and I resumed. I had it all worked out. From the amount I would have saved by the end of the year, to the routes I was going to take home at different closing times. Life was good. God is good.
“There are no insurmountable forces.”
March came with me settling into work and getting paid. I’m rich, bitches! Lol! I loved my job. I couldn’t have been happier. I had an exam to write and I was going to ace it and write the other ones in September and November, true to plan. I had started some businesses and I was on a roll. Who said I couldn’t achieve work, life and business balance?
Results came out and I failed. Out of 4 papers, I failed one. But I had failed, plan scattered. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. I picked myself up and continued.
May and June was a blur of uncertainty and difficulty. My forces suddenly seemed insurmountable, spreading out and weighing on me. The days bled into one another and I was floating, barely existing. Work had become a chore. I didn’t hate it, but each day I was afraid I would lose it.
“Who would you be if you were not afraid?”
So I met a boy. July, August and September.
On one hand, I was excited at the possibility of being with someone, it had been so long.
On the other hand, I was afraid, I was terrified. That somehow I was inadequate, that I really wasn’t enough and I was way in over my head.
“One day, I will write about this place.”
I was in a bad place. My work bubble had burst. I had no desire to make a mark, to do something spectacular and set myself apart. I didn’t like my job anymore, quite frankly, I couldn’t stand it. Everybody was changing and I felt like I was stuck. That fancy pay didn’t seem so fancy anymore, and the business(es) I had started were crumbling. I was in a constant state of yearning, and I wanted to be anywhere but there. Personal issues concerning my body and my heart that I didn’t even know I had kept coming to the fore. Getting up in the morning filled me with trepidation. God and I were going through a rough patch. He was speaking, and I just wasn’t listening.
“…Maybe you are the kind of person that happens to someone like me.”
I felt like a school girl. Heart fluttering, palms sweating. He likes me, he likes me not. I started to play guessing games with myself, Russian roulette with my heart. Turned out he liked me not.
Solo cast in my solo show of soon to be loved and loving.
“This is who I am when I am not afraid.”
Heartbreak (cancel that) Disappointment can break you. I was broken, in the light sense of the word. My pride, more than anything else. I leapt off the cliff, took a chance and fell, ouch. But this was a perfect place for rebuilding, and so I did. I rebuilt me. Needless to say, I went back to God, and found myself in him again.
I saw a video in the period that this happened of a girl who fell on the runaway and turned it into a dance and stunted away. This misstep wasn’t a misstep as such, my victory dance had just switched a bit.
“(Valerie) has come undone.”
October. November. December.
I had come undone in the best way. With self-awareness came a glow. I couldn’t hide it. Not like I tried. It was like I had unlocked a door and the light had come bursting out. Glo up sponsored by our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s not complete yet, but we move!
I have realigned my plans, because some of my dreams have changed, and that’s okay. I am happy with the person I am, the person God and I are moulding me to be. I know that in this moment, I am exactly where I need to be and everything good will keep coming.
I can’t write about my year without writing about my friends. I have cultivated the most amazing friendships with the most amazing people.
This year brought me some incredible people, and I honestly can’t believe my luck.
And my family, I would choose you in my next life. I love you.
I look into the New Year with renewed hope and faith. In God, in myself and in the world.
I am hopeful, more than anything. I feel like 2015 is the groundwork for the 2016 that I am going to have.
If this year was for discovering myself, next year is for discovering others
and more things that interest me. As is consistent with all other years, I want to keep learning.
I want to put myself out there some more, dream and dream some more.
“You have to force yourself to place big bets on the future.”
Well, here I am, betting on mine again.
“Solo cast in my solo show of soon to be loved and loving.” My favorite line. Had to read it 3 times.
I have hardly heard work experience stories like yours. I pray you surmount your insurmountables. Dream big, Valerie dear friend. Do it for your friends, family, fans and foes. Do it for the vine. Do it for the Master!