DUSK : MOTVNRAYO

‘A thousand times we die in our life. We crumble, break and tear apart until the layers of illusion are burned away and all that is left, is the truth of who and what we really are.’ – Teal Scott

2015 was the year of death.
Of passion, drive, relationships.

Sometimes, I felt like I had broken, and had been hurriedly patched together again, but somehow, whoever patched me up forgot to restore my soul. Many times I felt like I had actually stepped out of my body, and was watching someone else be me.

Am I making any sense?

PLAY.

Let me start from the beginning.
In November 2014, I was assaulted and almost raped.

By a motorcycle rider.

In the bush, by the side of the road.

He didn’t penetrate me,but that’s all he didn’t do. He groped and touched and ground on me. Then he beat me and beat me. Because I wouldn’t stop fighting him. My saviour came in form of the headlights of a car,driven by a man who didn’t know that had he been 30 seconds late, a madman would have broken me – body, soul, spirit. I told my self it was no big deal and tried to move on. In my post on Olatoxic’s blog, I said I was going to heal. LOL. I didn’t. The problem with sexual assault is that sometimes it seems to stamp itself on your forehead, and announce to interested parties that you’re available.

In 2015, my neighbor tried to continue from where the mad man stopped. My boss too. Then some rich man who was supposed to sponsor a project I was working on. Everywhere I went, there was a moron who thought I’d be a nice addition to his conquest list. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me.

So the first 6 months found me full of hate and resentment. I HATED Anambra. Hated NYSC, hated the people. In fact I hated anyone who tried to get me to not hate the ones I already hated. The only ray of light was the man in my life. I’d recount my experiences to him at night, and he’d make all the right sounds and statements and stuff. The best part of my days was talking to him. I couldn’t wait for July 2nd. I just wanted to go back home to him and my family.

PAUSE.

“This is not something anyone can teach you. Heartbreak you must learn on your own.”

And boyyy did I learn!

In June, two days after my birthday, ‘my man’ ceased being ‘my man’. I was distraught. I cried and cried and cried. I cried myself to bed at night, then woke up and cried some more. To be quite honest, I didn’t realise I had so much capacity for misery.

July came, and NYSC ended. I came home. Or my body did. My spirit was dead. Everything I did was on autopilot. I sent out applications, then went into my mother’s kitchen and cooked. And cooked. And cooked.

I had saved up a sum during service, because I intended to register for a course and fully launch my outfit immediately after but I was empty. I couldn’t be arsed to do anything extra. I was devoid of all the passion that made me save up in the first place. So I left the money there and just pretended I was a mannequin.

My relationships suffered. I finally accepted I may never be the child my mom wants me to be, and so I stopped trying. I didn’t pick up my friends’ calls, didn’t return them, didn’t hang out. I stopped praying, stopped reading my bible, and I missed church a lot. I missed calls from my pastor, I got bored with service. I basically just stopped. Everything.

My health went to shit, and I spent too much time going in or out of a hospital. Recently, my doctor placed me on a 3 month medication. If I missed a day, I had to start again. Well I missed plenty days, and didn’t bother starting again.
I got three job offers between July and October. Unfortunately, by November, I was jobless. Funny right? At some point I had to choose between two offers, and I chose the one that would later downsize. Tough luck.

END.

“In a state of pseudo-death you restore your substance.”

I was kind of just stuck in limbo when I volunteered to write this review. About 2 weeks after, I started an internship with a startup company (by the way, please check out www.iwemoto.com). On my way to work, I read SisiSugar’s review. Then Anita’s. Then Deaduramilade’s. These 3, for some reason, struck me, and, surprisingly, my mood began to lift.

I got a contract for a wedding, my biggest yet, got a car (it’s a hand-me-down though, but its sha my own LOL), I have a new job offer pending, that I’ll start in january if I accept and most importantly, I feel Iighter. I still have dark days,I still wake up sometimes with an acute sense of loneliness, I still catch a lone tear sneaking down my face sometimes, but baby steps are steps still.

In all, I’m thankful. For life. For grace. For the darkness that showed me light, and for the death that showed me life. For you, Olatunji S. You’re a sweetheart and you really do not know how much you mean to me. I’ll do better with calls and responding to my IMs, promise. I’m thankful for you Olu, platonic friend with the beautiful ‘gift’ *wink*. I haven’t forgiven you for dec 12 sha. For you, Amyn! God bless you, Amyn. And Khuddie, the one that was seized! Every time I remember this, I smile. God bless you. All of you.

I think 2016 will be a tough year, and I don’t know if I’m ready, but, we move, abi?

========================

We move! It’s odd how you can be in your own world and in your own lane without realizing just whose story you are living. Stories like these are why I gently pressure people to tell their story no matter how alone it seems. Somehow someone somewhere sometime will be inspired by it. 

Tuns, we love you and can’t wait for your testimony next year. Happy 2016!

Motvnrayo

Nwanyi Oma; Little lady with a curious mind.

22 Comments

  • Bishopade says:

    2016. Go and live your name mi lady. Mo tun r’ayo!

  • solodninjah says:

    Motunrayo, what a beautiful and uplifting story! I thank God for your life. Victories awaits you in 2016!

  • ad3bay0 says:

    wow! “you think life is unfair till you read other peoples stories” all these experience within 13 months, still you rise, a strong lady you are! Wish you all the best in your future endeavors motunrayo

  • Ire says:

    Congratulations! Congratulations on getting you back and even better! Your healing will be made perfect. Believe God. Believe in yourself.

    I’m really happy for you. I’m also glad my review did something for you. I pray your review heals some else. Whoop!

    Blessed be.

  • Eromo says:

    I loved this. The honesty seeping through is very endearing. I hope your 2016 brings you happiness beyond measure.

  • Oluwatosin Adeshokan says:

    Enter 2016 and go be incredible.
    I know you.
    You are smart, you are beautiful, you are amazing.

    Enter 2016 and just shine.
    I love you bunny.

  • Tomi says:

    You’re a trooper for allowing yourself to write this. This is so astonishingly written and thank you for being vulnerable. Your healing is a journey and I hope sooner than later, 2015 will be a distant memory, or even better in retrospect, a springboard for all the greatness that awaits you.

    I hope you destroy 2016!

    God bless you.

  • Dekemi says:

    Do not let anyone steal your joy, no one is worth that. And if you’ve lost it, you can find it again. Like someone said, go and live you name. Find your joy again.

    What are you waiting for, accept that job offer. We move isn’t only by mouth o, so move. Keep moving.

    May you never go where God’s grace will stop working for you.

    Cheers!

  • Rolayo says:

    Hi dear, after reading this, I just felt I had to share even if it was just a verse with you, so here goes-
    Zepheniah 3:17
    The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

    Cheers to you!

  • Clarion says:

    “The darkest time of the night comes just before sunrise….”
    I pray for you, in 2016 you will find reasons to smile and shout for joy. Cheers and eHugs.

  • Tokwonna says:

    Great. Live life and be happy

  • Lizzieebunoluwa says:

    Motunrayo, I feel like the editor said it all…and everyone else, but let me just add that theres peace, the kind that garrisons your heart and soul, for His unfailing love is better than life itself.

    Cheers to restoration because when God fixes, it is thorough and complete. Agbanilagbatan!

  • Cesc says:

    Ive never commented on here but your story moved me.. and also gives me strength for my own struggles.
    I just want to give u a big tight hug and assure you everything will be okay.. trust and believe it will.. 2016 will be your best year yet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: