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My Heart Cries, My Soul Sings

There shall be showers of blessings

This is the promise of love

There shall be seasons refreshing

Sent from the father above.

This was my confession for 2016.

But the year didn’t start out that way. Instead it was fights all over. Fights with family, close friends and not so close friends. At some point, I wondered if my blessings had turned to storms. Through it all, I didn’t see any positivity. I turned into a negative person. At some point, I had contemplated taking my life. I locked myself away for the first quarter of the year. I felt useless and cried always. The strange part was that sometimes, I didn’t have a reason to cry, I was just filled with sorrow and bitterness.

When my back was against the wall

And it looked as if it was over

You made a way

And I’m standing here

Only because you made a way.

Then there was a turn-around in the second quarter. I got a job (I had told everyone I was not going to get the job because I performed poorly and somehow I’m not deserving of good things). The news came and without thinking of the consequences, I packed my bags and told my dad, “this is my life and I’m taking charge of it”. I moved to Lagos and spent a month wishing I had not moved. The job wasn’t the turn around, but the beginning of it. I met good people and started to realize I had too many negative people in my life and this was the reason I was filled with sorrow. I had let who they were and are, take over me and I was turning into them.

I had to let some people go but I didn’t know how. My first month at my new job was terrible. People just felt I was a sadist. No one wanted to associate with me. But thank God for leading a colleague to me. I learnt to smile not just because of me but because of others.

Onise Iyanu

You’re the God of awesome wonders

I’ve tasted of your power

Onise iyanu

You have shown me so much mercy

Much more than I deserve.

My “not-so-fantastic” 3 year old relationship came to an end. I never expected this to hurt as much as it did. Somehow, I knew it was going to end and I had lied to myself that whenever it did, I wasn’t going to be bothered. Then it happened! I cried my eyes out and started thinking of ways to be evil. Lol, I ended up becoming nicer. I drew closer to God, majorly because all the people around me kept encouraging me to go to him.

Every time I look back, I can’t help but be grateful to God it came to an end. From it, I learnt to love ME for who I am and not because of what someone expected me to be. I started to make out time for friends and people who cared about me. I was turning into a loving person.

Love is patient, caring. Love is Kind

Love is felt most when it’s genuine

But I’ve had my share of love abused

Manipulated and its strength misused

And I can’t help but give you glory when I think about my story

And I know you favored me

Because my enemies did try but couldn’t triumph over me

Yes they did try but couldn’t triumph over me.

I finally let go of a friend who was silently draining me. He kept putting me down and making me feel like I was worth nothing. I kept hanging on because I thought I owed him for the times he was there for me. The day I stood up to him and said “God used you to help me and I’m grateful for that but I refuse to be trampled on because you helped.” I felt peace like never before. Surprisingly, I started sleeping well.

Ose Jesu

To F’ife re Da misi

Opolopo l’o ti ku

To ti f’ile bora

O wun Yin ninu Anu yin

K’e f’ife yin Da misi

Ogo Iyin Ola

L’o ye O Messiah.

2016 taught me to be positive. It seemed nothing good would be birthed this year. Some days, I woke up and cried for no reason. I was filled with sorrow for the early part of the year. Every time I wanted to make an attempt, I reminded myself that I would fail so there was no need to try. I honestly do not know how the transformation came, but I moved from a place of sorrow to a place of joy.

I started hearing myself encourage people, say nice things to and about people. I was enjoying this new me. But there was one beast that refused to pack out. Anger! I would get angry over little things and end up saying things I’d regret later on. I was not in control of my temper. People started avoiding me. Friends left and I was alone. I missed the people I used to have around me but I wasn’t going to ask them back. I was going to work on me. I needed a change. I wanted to attract, not repel people.

I’d read books and articles on how to attract people. Nothing was working. I needed help but I wasn’t asking for help. I was like this till I cried out. The story of “Blind Bartimaeus” moved me to cry in a loud voice. I stated acting deliberately. I’d smile at people I know and didn’t know. I’d be the first to say hello. I began to take care of myself; my appearance, my health, my spiritual wellbeing etc.

I chose to look at things differently. People would say mean things to me and rather than get angry, I’d smile and say nice things. I don’t know if people stopped being mean to me but I know I began to meet too many nice people who really cared about me and how I felt.

All things are working for my good

It’s intentional

It’s intentional.

I’m enjoying each day of my life, loving God and people. No, the recession didn’t hit me because even people I don’t know kept blessing me financially. I’m walking in newness of mind and spirit and yass, I finally completed the workers-in-training class.

I’m not perfect but I’m happy and influencing my circle positively.

Cheers to 2017 where I get to meet the one who will be the one, spread positivity and live working for my God.

Onyedikagi? Ekene diri gi

Onyene mema

Onyedikagi? Ekene diri gi

Onye nagworia

Imela, Imela

Okaka, Onyekeruwa

Imela, Imela

Eze m Oh.