I have decided not to dwell on how last year ended and how this year started, but I chose this date because it is (or would have been) my dad’s birthday and I have made a habit of mindlessly jumping into stressful situations. There have been so many of those in the past few weeks, one more won’t kill me. Happy Birthday Daddy.
I really wasn’t ready for this year and I carried that ill-preparedness into the year. Consequently, I was constantly not ready and did plenty of crash reading and last minute assignment completion (but I’m still standing). This post is a perfect example.
I started February numb. I was waking up every morning and going to sleep every night lost in the same thoughts and carrying the same sadness and fear around every day, indifferent to what was happening around me. There were many days when I’d wake up and be sure that that was it. That was my last day here. It took plenty of “Talking about it” and some medication to move past that phase but I’m finally past it now, I think.
This year I was grieving. I found it difficult to be happy because it always felt inappropriate. There weren’t too many of these inappropriate moments, thankfully.
I also changed a lot this year. All the staircase climbing and anxiety made sure that many of my clothes are now loose. That would have been a huge plus if it didn’t cause other problems but I’ve decided not to dwell on the negatives. My personality changed and at times it seemed like who I was at any time depended completely on what was happening around me. I didn’t like it.
This was my first real year of adulthood, seeing as I started it without my chief adviser. I found myself making decisions I would usually have delayed till after counsel and it wasn’t always easy. I got plenty of advice, but it just wasn’t the same and so, most of the time, I found myself alone when the time came to make these decisions.
Doing ‘just enough’ took on a whole new meaning this year. I found that it took so much more effort than usual this year to coast through school. Everything was so intense and there was usually no time to catch my breath (even though most of the stress was due to my poor time management). On the upside, I have one less year in this depressing place.
I’m not sure I made any new friends this year and I lost a few of my old friends. Surprisingly, I was told that I got nicer this year. I stopped saying what people didn’t want to hear, but it was at a cost. I almost stopped talking entirely at a point because people really never want to hear anything that’s true. I was too deeply consumed by my own struggles that couldn’t be bothered anyway. But as the year ends I find that some of this ‘niceness’ is wearing off and the old, acerbic me is coming back.
I received plenty of help this year which was great because it seemed like I was constantly broke. I tweeted sometime last month that some people are awesome, and I’m saying it here again, because this year some people were really, truly, awesome.
Have I said that school was terrible?
This year I got along quite well with my sister, which is a lot better than we usually have it. It could be because busy schedules made it such that we almost never saw each other but I’m not complaining.
My mum was the most awesome of all the awesome people this year. We had many, many disagreements but it’s just how we stubborn people show love.
I went the whole year without once getting inebriated. It was boring; hello adulthood. I found that there are intoxicants that are easier on the eye and on the liver but they are intoxicants all the same and are just as addictive as chemical substances. So I’ve been addiction-free for a significantly shorter period than I’ve been free of chemical substances. Small steps.
Bae was not seized and that’s okay. Some men were not made to be happy, they were made to be great. But time is going.
In September I grew tired of bottling things up and not talking so I got a journal to bottle things up outside my head. I’ve found that the pattern from then till now has been cyclical. Waste time, run out of time, mad rush to pass, sad about results. But I also find that it is helpful when things get really bad and I can look back at happier times.
Towards the end of this year I was bothered by the fact that I haven’t really found what I’m good at or enjoy doing. I could struggle through school and graduate and continue along this path but I don’t see myself being particularly good at this or happy doing this. I’d really hate to be that guy who is bad at his job because he hates what he’s doing, I don’t want to become what I hate. So that’s a huge goal for next year, to find what I’d rather be doing or get my head into what I’m doing now. Again, time is going.
If you cannot already tell, I developed an obsession with time this year and it manifested as extreme impatience (which is ironic because of the amount of time I spend lying around doing nothing). I just feel like I have too little of it for anyone to let anyone or anything delay me.
I took on some responsibilities recently and the experience is teaching me some things about myself. I do not have the diplomacy or patience to be a (loved) leader. I have tendencies to be a dictator and can be quite hypocritical. That’s one of the many things I’ll have to start working on next year, my diplomacy (or lack of it). Then again, some men were not made to be liked, they were made to be great.
I’ve started veering off track so I guess it’s time to end this.
I ended my last two posts with the same quote so I think it’s time I changed it up. In its place I put nothing. Maybe it’s the quote that has been jinxing me.
Hopefully I’ll be back next year and have more (good stuff) to say.
Hi Michael. Personally I saw this post as a good news post. We all prayed for you last year, we did. (Too young to be this jaded, remember?) And here we see clearly you are clawing your way back. To care is to feel is to live and you care! You are alive! I feel elated. And get this, you don’t have to wait till next year to report good news. That’s so 2014. Congratulations.