I don’t know.
This was my favourite statement in 2015. I said I don’t know a lot. Because I finally accepted that I didn’t know anything and that life has a mind of its own.
“My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts, as the heavens is far from the earth so…” I can’t remember the full verse, somewhere in Isaiah? This year I understood the meaning, and accepted.
I moved into 2015 with a heavy heart, I didn’t attend New Year eve mass with my family because I wanted to talk to God one on one. So, alone I cried and begged God for one thing. Just one. Please let me go for NYSC this year, I can’t stay at home again. Depression was my boo, I couldn’t eat; my weight went below 40kg too many times. I was an empty shell.
2015 is the year I was supposed to start my Masters since I graduated in 2013, but I hadn’t gone to serve yet. I was optimistic, in May I’ll be in camp. That was the only reason I woke up daily, dreaming of leaving home. Home became a place filled with sadness; my parents couldn’t stay in one place together for 10 minutes without fighting, or the loud silence in the house. My dad, and every other staff of DSC was forced into retirement, so no salaries for almost 5 years now. Wow. It was difficult, elder brother paused his life and took over. I was working for an online media, then salary (should I call it salary?) was 10k -15k. LOL. Saved up paid fees for my baby sister, just assisted in any way I could.
Then the phone call I was low key expecting came, hey, there’s a problem in school, you better come down, mistake with your results. OMG. I cried, I begged God, bribed him, anything I go do, just fix this. LOL. So I started looking towards November. Then people started asking, are you sure you went to school? Hmmm, sure you don’t have carry overs? People told my mum to go to my school and confirm herself. I became a liar, the idiot lying that she has a degree. I only left the house on Sundays, 6-8am, once mass was over I was back on my bed, waiting for November. God, this was not the plan.
See when I was 16 I drew up a plan, 2015 was concluding Masters year. My mates were doing that, others got married, etc. I was home waiting for stupid NYSC and being useless.
Last week of April, Jite called, there’s a vacancy in my office, would you like to? Like to? Ehn??? I packed my box, my parents said no, Lagos, not Lagos (we lost a brother in Lagos). I was adamant, so my mum called her cousins. One said ok, so I got on a bus not knowing where I would sleep at night. My aunty picked me up, took me to the office, we had the interview. Yay, resume next week. I smiled my first full smile of 2015. But she lived in Badagary, so she decided to drop me off with another uncle I don’t know. The uncle was not at home, his son was. Stay here, my aunty said, in the morning we will figure something out. She left me alone with a man I don’t know how we are related. I was tired from the day, had my bath, wore my pj, rubbed white powder on my face, covered up in bed and stared at the ceiling. Somehow I knew he would come, and in all my tiredness I couldn’t sleep. Then he came, first to gist. I tried talking God and Bible to remove his mind. LOL. Later he went please, let me just . . (Jesus). Ok, I won’t penetrate let me just cum. I called my mum, I can’t stay here, call Uncle so and so. She did, uncle welcomed me with opened arms. Sigh. I didn’t say anything. Just buried the memory and threw myself into work. (I saw the PJ this morning and remembered).
Jite was an angel. I learnt, struggled on some days. Tried to keep two jobs. Some days I just wanted to go back home but to what? I couldn’t afford to eat twice a day on some days. I cried. Then the months flew past, May, birthday, I just said thank you Lord for life and hissed.
June, July, August, September, October. It was like I had an open wound, and I did all I could to pour pepper in the wound, cut the wound deeper. There was always tears behind my eyes. NYSC in November? Nope, the issue has not been resolved. Then my younger bro was kidnapped/hypnotized but God came through for us.
I started writing again, boss gave me a column on sabinews.com where I write about Lagos on Saturdays, then my fiction came back. Slowly I started smiling. Went back to church, and told God I was tired, I wanted to be happy again.
December, I found peace. I am glad to be able to help out at home, those moments give me joy. I bonded with my siblings. I made new friends. I am happy with the woman I am becoming.
Here’s to 2016. No more tears.
Thank you Jite, Tosin, Tolu, Chinaza, Tope, Olivia, Funke, my mouse Ezinne and rat Arosuo. Love you guys.
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Thank you for sharing. Your mouse tho? Why didn’t you give us gist about how your mouse kept you going through the tough times of 2015?
Thank God for turning your story around this year. Somehow I feel it’s a foundation for more exciting things to come in 2016. See you next year Lucia.