Okay after many editions, this is really what my 2014 review is.
2014: Being and becoming.
I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. – Psalms 34:4
I started 2014 afraid. Afraid I would not graduate. Afraid I would not find a path. Afraid my relationship would end. Afraid that end would finally break me beyond fixing.
Fear is a powerful thing. It cripples you before you even try to crawl.
Well, I graduated. My relationship ended. I am okay and not broken because unlike non-living objects, I have life. I am growing. I am learning and I am getting better and I found a path. A journey I began with my late application. I was told my chances of getting in were slim and that I most likely wouldn’t get the course I wanted but a vacancy opened last minute and the admission came through.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. – Hebrews 11:1
I have always seen myself as a realist. I measure my chances against statistics and gradually I became a pessimist. I wouldn’t even try before I gave up. When my results came out, I was devastated, I wondered why I bothered with economics. It wasn’t the end of the world and while it could have and should have been worse, I just felt like I wasted my time. I wish I did better and put more effort, I felt hopeless and directionless. All I could think of was doing another degree to fix my mess. I was depressed for a month till I got on my knees and asked God for a way out. I went from a girl with no option to a girl with offers. This year, I learnt to put everything at His feet. To have faith in the bigger picture, in what lies beyond my line of sight. I will cross the bridge when I get to it.
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. – 1 John 4:8
Love is God and love is beautiful. I have for the most part of my life battled with my emotions. Trying to care a little less. Love a little less. Not be the one with the most hurt. This year, I decided to stop being that guy. I love my parents more now than ever. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have them both as understanding. My dad and I started the year out really roughly. So alike yet so different. It was hell. I started to stay away from home. We’d always have a fight but this man was the first to say he was proud of me for not giving up even when I thought I had disappointed him and I realised he’s my greatest fan and the love he feels for me keeps me growing. My parents have shown me that I was made to love totally and completely or not at all. If my love is too much for anyone, let them leave. I will not downsize it to suit anyone. The world needs more love.
This too shall pass.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. – Psalms 23:4
I say this is the most important lesson of 2014. Letting go is a huge problem for me. I go over situations over and over again trying to figure things out. It always feels like “why me?” I go from sad to depressed in days. My break up was devastating. It’s that type that had ended long before the end. I am stubborn and you can imagine what it does to my ability to let go. I admit I was the one who pulled the weight of the relationship trying to be the best I could to atone for not being good enough in my previous relationships. The hardest thing for me was accepting that the relationship was actually unhealthy. This is not a blame game. This is me simply saying I knew I deserved to be treated better but chose instead to stay on. It’s been months now – I still struggle with my anger but I’m honestly better than I would have thought. There will be dark days, it will rain but the rain will stop and the sun will shine. The clouds will form and it will rain again except this time, I’d have my umbrella with me.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
I have been overflowing with thanks this year. Truthfully, I haven’t gotten all I want. In fact I haven’t had my way in most things but in retrospect, it has all come together for the best.
I am thankful for 2014. For friends who are family, for my parents and their understanding, for growth, for life, for love and for the new beginning coming with 2015.
I sense a theme in our posts so far. So many people seem to be finding their “path” after bumping against so many locked doors. Every locked door is a roadmap to the best open door. Thank you for sharing Kole. We love you. And your hair!!!