December 3, 2016. I danced forward to receive the scroll, how did I get here? Four years ago when I first walked into that church I didn’t intend to go back, and I didn’t for a couple of months. You see, the first day I walked in, I had seen a scene unfold and summed up the conclusions. I went back and gave it a chance and it changed my life – they changed my life dramatically. This gathering of imperfect people became my family; I spent so much time there, loving, giving, serving, and in turn, I changed. The more I gave, the more He changed me. I grew in my realization that I had a purpose and that it wasn’t mediocre. I learnt how much He loved me and how no matter what I had done, or would do I would still be worth the ultimate price. I also began to see that even the unsavory scenes in my life add up like a jigsaw puzzle to reveal the masterpiece art that my life is.
I know you were expecting a story and I am not one to disappoint but this is just a scene and not the story. You cannot possibly begin to understand or appreciate the struggles, pain, joy, redemption, love and other things my life has been woven with by just looking at a page. My story is colorful, its a work in progress, and it doesn’t stop at the stroke of midnight on the 31st – I am not Cinderella! God promised to take me further…and that’s what I press on towards.
There’s more to the story than what you see, more to the story than my smile, or my job or even the fact that I spend almost all my free time in church…there’s more to the story than the scene, the scene that I’m currently in.
2016 from the outside seemed like a pretty good year. She’s got it all figured out, has a good job, independent, strong, beautiful, godly; what issues could she possibly have?
Adjust the camera lens a bit and zoom in, you just might see a little more about the girl who commutes 25hrs a week to a job she isn’t even certain she believes in, a little more about the girl who doesn’t have the willpower to hook up her television, fix her generator or even learn how to drive, a little more about the girl who is so afraid of her instincts and intelligence that she bottles things in; afraid to be right again, more on the girl who is really vulnerable underneath it all, questioning her worth, her entitlement and buckling under the weight of her crown.
I walked into 2016 confident that this year was going to be the year I finally married him, he finally would find me and we would be happy together. It seemed realistic seeing as I had started dating a few days into the New Year so optimism was great. Fast forward to May, I was introduced to his kindred and got family approval or so I thought, with June came “I am sorry, I just don’t feel the same way anymore”… I moved on relatively quick, a little too quickly for comfort, I think it irked me that a grown man would come up with that explanation for why things weren’t going to work.
2016 also had its moments, moments where everything joined up and I felt like it was harvest season in my life. I got promoted amidst lay-offs, I got to go on a free holiday with my mother, I got to be a blessing to my father, my brother got married, my sister has a little one on the way…see, I am not ungrateful, God showed me that he is loving and compassionate.
I felt like in 2016 I disconnected- from friends, from gatherings, from celebrations. I counted a lot of things as unnecessary and frivolous – if there’s one thing I could have invested in more, it would be this!
Yesterday I got kissed, I knew it was coming but waited for it to come before I tilted my head slowly away. Again I find myself in a situation that seems impossible – emotions rushing, logic questioning, heart restraining. If this is yet another poor decision, I really don’t know, I know what I hope even long for it to be but I know also from previous experiences that sometimes things aren’t so black and white…
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later – Romans 8:18.