At the beginning of 2017, I had an idea of what I wanted it to look like:
- Have trust in God’s plan and not resort to tears when things seem like they are not working out.
- Volunteer more.
- Win a fully funded PhD scholarship.
- Start research and lecturing.
- Have a digit account balance.
- Read more books.
- Let my writing leave my journals and go out into the world.
- Travel more and implement my business ideas.
- Hold on to the relationships that matter and people who have been there for me.
Now, let’s see how far this went.
After my exams in January, my lack of a job and being broke got me crying so hard I had to call a friend to come rescue me from drowning (Thank God for lifesaver friends). I did find myself on a team of well experienced people working on a mid-term strategy formulation for a NGO and later working as an events lead for the same organisation. I also volunteered for a TEDx programme, managed a social media account for a NGO, volunteered as an HR personnel for another while trying to get a PhD degree.
Oh, I didn’t win the international scholarship I hoped for but I got called for an interview on a Wednesday afternoon and got a funding for my PhD till I am done, along with a one year international trip to a well equipped laboratory. I felt like God was trying to compensate me for my horrible 2016. At this point I didn’t even know how to be happy. I knew it was good and awesome but how do you explain the emptiness and lost zeal in general? How do you explain questioning and doubting yourself?
I dedicate this whole paragraph to The Read Club. In 2016 when life was busy trying to snuff out the little left of me, I found TRC and this was one of the few highlights of that year. This year I found company in 55 books. I learnt, unlearnt and re-learnt new ways. I allowed my Nigerian brain accommodate ideas foreign to it. God gave me strength to go on yes, but books helped me hold on when I was fainting. About letting my writings leave my journals, hmmm maybe next year? I don’t know.
I didn’t get to travel as much as I wanted, except if a few trips to Ibadan count (anyone who wants to fund my travels can holla oh). I did do a business this year but it was a one time thing but I have plans for next year that are already being worked on. Being excited doesn’t even explain how I feels for 2018.
This year there were days I struggled to have a thousand naira and there were days I had very close to seven digits. All I know is I somehow lived through every day without having to think about what next. I somehow had something for each day. If that’s not GOD, I have no idea what it is.
This year I somehow managed to just recoil into myself more. I made friends and I kept up with friends a few times but I found myself preferring to be indoors reading a book and the only thing that got me outside was volunteering.
This year wasn’t perfect. I cried lots of times. I stayed indoors for days just praying for a little spark. I cried wishing I could provide for my mom’s financial needs. I cried and got angry at all the rubbish my dad did (which happened to be a lot). I even forgot to be happy about my successes.
But through it all, I knew that GOD loves me and I understood what it meant.
“He didn’t want heaven without me so he brought heaven down.
My sins were great but your love was greater.
What can separate us now?”