Day 7: Dami

At the beginning of 2017, I had an idea of what I wanted it to look like:  

1. Have trust in God’s plan and not resort to tears when things seem like they are not working out.
2. Volunteer more.
3. Win a fully funded PhD scholarship.
4. Start research and lecturing.
5. Have a digit account balance.
6. Read more books.
7. Let my writing leave my journals and go out into the world.
8. Travel more and implement my business ideas.
9. Hold on to the relationships that matter and people who have been there for me.

Now, let’s see how far this went.

After my exams in January, my lack of a job and being broke got me crying so hard I had to call a friend to come rescue me from drowning (Thank God for lifesaver friends). I did find myself on a team of well experienced people working on a mid-term strategy formulation for a NGO and later working as an events lead for the same organisation. I also volunteered for a TEDx programme, managed a social media account for a NGO, volunteered as an HR personnel for another while trying to get a PhD degree.

Oh, I didn’t win the international scholarship I hoped for but I got called for an interview on a Wednesday afternoon and got a funding for my PhD till I am done, along with a one year international trip to a well equipped laboratory. I felt like God was trying to compensate me for my horrible 2016. At this point I didn’t even know how to be happy. I knew it was good and awesome but how do you explain the emptiness and lost zeal in general? How do you explain questioning and doubting yourself?

I dedicate this whole paragraph to The Read Club. In 2016 when life was busy trying to snuff out the little left of me, I found TRC and this was one of the few highlights of that year. This year I found company in 55 books. I learnt, unlearnt and re-learnt new ways. I allowed my Nigerian brain accommodate ideas foreign to it. God gave me strength to go on yes, but books helped me hold on when I was fainting. About letting my writings leave my journals, hmmm maybe next year? I don’t know.

I didn’t get to travel as much as I wanted, except if a few trips to Ibadan count (anyone who wants to fund my travels can holla oh). I did do a business this year but it was a one time thing but I have plans for next year that are already being worked on. Being excited doesn’t even explain how I feels for 2018.

This year there were days I struggled to have a thousand naira and there were days I had very close to seven digits. All I know is I somehow lived through every day without having to think about what next. I somehow had something for each day. If that’s not GOD, I have no idea what it is.

This year I somehow managed to just recoil into myself more. I made friends and I kept up with friends a few times but I found myself preferring to be indoors reading a book and the only thing that got me outside was volunteering.

This year wasn’t perfect. I cried lots of times. I stayed indoors for days just praying for a little spark. I cried wishing I could provide for my mom’s financial needs. I cried and got angry at all the rubbish my dad did (which happened to be a lot). I even forgot to be happy about my successes.

But through it all, I knew that GOD loves me and I understood what it meant.

“He didn’t want heaven without me so he brought heaven down.

My sins were great but your love was greater.

What can separate us now?”