DUSK: CYNTHIA

You know that excitement that comes with each new year, the uncontainable hope that floods your entire being as you pen down your expectations and goals for the year? Yes, that one. Well, I’ll use every last bit of willpower I have to try to shake most of it off this coming year.

LOL. Who am I kidding? I’m too much of an optimist.

2015 was meant to be that year for me. The year I was to go for my MBA, get a ground-breaking, multi-billion dollar producing idea, fall hopelessly in love, get a new kitten, stop running from my demons and face them, when I would glo up and get chased and fought over by various “bae seizers”.

Well, this wasn’t that year.

This year, I was the one that had to fight. I had to fight to wake up each day and live above recurring depression, to fight to escape from the choking traditional hold of it-is-time-to-get-married-now-that-you-have-finished-school. Fight for my voice to be heard and respected. Some days were harder than the rest but I held on to God’s word to help me through each day.

My Grace is sufficient for you.

Depression hit hard around August and I just didn’t want to live anymore. Nothing seemed to be working out (my body can attest to that). The scholarship I desperately sought for didn’t come through therefore, no school for me. I couldn’t go to my parents seeing as this was going to compound the stress they were already facing. To try take my mind off it, I started a business which didn’t only fail but crashed faster than the stock market during the Great Depression.

I hit rock bottom.

The climb started again. The combination of prayers, great friends and self forgiveness helped greatly. Maybe it was being in the arms of my best friend and listening to her pray for me while I wept for no reason or the tiny voice of my sister saying, “Cynthia, be happy. Do whatever makes you happy” or watching Dedamz do silly things to make me smile. Whatever it was, it all helped.

Good friends bring out the best in you.

Whatever it was, it helped me find my way back. While kneeling on my bathroom floor and bawling my heart out as Bon Iver sang Holocene in the background, I began to heal slowly. It was a long journey from August, still is but it gets better with each passing day. I’ve learned more than anything to love myself and to be grateful for even the tiniest of blessings. We fail to see how blessed we are when we are so focused on our problems. Now I know, without a shred of doubt that this year is a blessing indeed. It may not turn out exactly the way I planned but…

I am still here.

I am here despite everything and for that I’m grateful. I am here with family and friends and loved ones. With this joy, I look expectantly to a better year. I am here and so are you reading this. So, be glad and have hope. Hope till you’re hopelessly hopeful that things will get better.

 

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Cynthia dear, your optimism is truly incurable. Thank you for infecting us with it.

See you tomorrow, peoples!

Cynthia Ndeche

The consummate lover. Love chose me.

10 Comments

  • Stanley says:

    Cynthia, reading this almost makes it feel like I know you. As you have continued believing, don’t stop.
    Thank you for sharing. *hugs*

    • Cynthia says:

      Thank you Stanley for the hugs and identifying with my story. I won’t stop believing. You shouldn’t either. ?

  • Amiee says:

    Yes you are here. Whatever it is, it too shall pass. Sending e-hugs your way.

  • Clarion says:

    Yes, you’re still here dear, and I know that better things are ahead for you. Hugssss

  • Annie says:

    This one has brought me to the point of tears (I know it’s cos I got fresh bad news yesterday evening too) cos this is my story with different details. This was supposed to that year for me. It so hasn’t been and each month brings with it fresh knockbacks. Sigh.

    But I’m still here.
    We’ll see how tomorrow goes too… One day at a time.

  • Tunrayo says:

    You are here… 🙂

  • Omotayo says:

    Can’t say I completely understand how you felt, but I can relate to this story cos I have been there once. You went through fire. Look at you dear, you are still standing. Here’s to standing even taller in 2016. Cheers!

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