Dusk: Cuntosaur

I haven’t been sure what to write about. In fact I’ve regretted accepting this invitation. Especially with how unreal this month has been and not in a good way, I’ve just wanted to hide away and end the year quietly. However I made a commitment. So here we go!

For most of the year I’ve felt stuck. I’m at an age where it seems like everyone I know is living their dreams. All of them are traveling, in their dream jobs, with their dream partners or just generally making progress, in the socially acceptable definition of the word. And yes I know Instagram and social media in general can paint a false picture and maybe they’re all feeling as unaccomplished as I am behind the scenes but some days you just want a picture to paint, false or not.

However what I realize is that growth comes in many forms and while I may not have the career growth that I need, I still have a lot of growth. A lot of things to be thankful for. A lot of things that I’m proud of. The person that I am now and the person that I was the last time I wrote one of these things is not even nearly comparable. My mental growth has amazed me. So ignoring the things that have made me feel less than what I realize is that I have so many amazing things that I am so very happy about. So here they are in no order.

First I’m thankful for clarity. I FINALLY figured out what my passion is and I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Moving on.

This year I met someone who has held a mirror up to me and showed me what an amazing person I am. He has believed in me and supported me. Someone who cares for my happiness outside of himself and what it benefits him. I am grateful. Someone who indulges my crazy and lets me lean into it without fear of judgement or derision. And really if we’re being honest is waaaaaay outside my league but I shot my shot anyways and nothing but net. What an amazing score it’s been. He’s such a kind person and eventually he’ll realize that I scammed him with breast but it’ll be too late to get out.

My amazing daughter who has introduced me to a love I didn’t know was possible. As true a love as love gets. Before I had her, I didn’t know what my plan was or what I would do. I lived day to day for myself and some days I didn’t even know if I wanted to see the next day. Then I met her and I’ve never known such focus. Even on days where everything sucks and I don’t want to continue for myself, I continue for her because she deserves the world and more. She is empathetic and beautiful. I am so lucky to have her. So undeserving of her goodness. I hope I’m a parent she can grow up proud of.

My family. My mum especially who has stood by me in ALL my crazy and has never faltered in her love. I hope someday soon I can give them everything they’ve wanted. I can’t ever repay the sacrifices they’ve made for me but I can try make it worthwhile at the very least. But the last couple years have really taught me the importance of family both related and unrelated. My unrelated big sister Nne I love you. And I love your closet even more.

My friends. Psychopaths all of them because who willingly is friends with me other than insane people? Who willingly chooses to love me and be there for me when they can just not deal with all my bullshit? Clearly crazy people. This year if nothing has really shown me my core group. The people who show up, not just the people who say they will.

I have really nothing to offer these people in my life but unrelenting drama and they stay. This year has been so full of love. My heart has been so full and even with feeling stuck, I have been happy for the most part and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

Also thankful for Beyonce, because I mean Beyonce. She gave us lemonade, the twins and that post baby ass. She’s the gift that keeps in giving.

Honorable mentions; orgasms, wine, cheesecake, burritos and Fenty beauty.

Here’s to a thrill ass 2018


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