Dusk: Claire

I never really paid any mind to this saying “Life is not a bed of roses” until I got into 2012, no matter how Cliché this sounds.

It all begun with lots of food and drinks, house music, dance, laughter and finally, a countdown into the new year. Like everyone else present, I made resolutions. My resolutions weren’t far-fetched like losing 60lbs or staying away from junk food. Instead I kept it simple, or did I?

I wanted to learn to be happy with myself, to get rid of self loathing and pity, to be able to make decisions that don’t end up in regrets and finally, to treat people like I’d want to be treated. Looking back now, I think I may have asked for too much. Being an introvert in denial, this year threw lemons at me and instead of making lemonade, I made tears. This is not the point where I’d go on to say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, because I’d be lying. What doesn’t kill you makes you weak and teary-eyed, makes you wish you never made certain decisions and never met certain people, makes you want to smash the nearest piece of chinaware (don’t try this at home). But what doesn’t kill you will leave you with worthwhile memories (transient amnesia would beg to differ), lessons learned and new routes in life to take.

At a point in the year I battled depression. Depression makes you believe things that aren’t true. Depression makes you believe that you are lowly, that you are nothing and hence, unlovable, and a host of other things all seemingly designed to tear you to the floor. And it’s really unfortunate when life events work to confirm, or seemingly confirm these false beliefs. Energy goes. Motivation goes. Self-confidence vanishes and self-doubt flourishes.
There were times when I felt like I was being drowned by life in its entirety, when I felt like tearing at flesh, my own flesh, when I grasped at nonexistent straws.

There were times in the year when I laughed heartily and appreciated the people around me, but those times seemed very short.
They say God won’t give you more than you can handle. I often reflect on this statement when going through trying times. But there were times when this saying didn’t seem to apply.

But then I learnt that Bad Things Happen to Good People. And this isn’t just the title of a book or an engaging speech. What this means is that you can be the best person in the world, the most loveable, the most worthy, and still, Bad Things Will Happen. Because bad things do happen. To everyone. And that extreme overreaction of taking a small event and allowing the crazy to blow it out of proportion is the thing that’s about me, not the little life event itself. The little life event is random and not about me in the slightest.

A combination of acceptance, support, knowledge and understanding has been the help for me. I didn’t choose to go down this path by a long shot, but I feel as if I have learned and appreciated more now because of it all.

I realized that getting angry at life and its sadistic games would only hurt one person, me. I’m still in the process of accepting things as they are and working towards extinguishing self pity and fighting my demons.

I learnt that striving for perfection is in itself an imperfection.

I learnt that though living in denial could be quite effective in staying sane, facing my demons was better, though emotionally grueling.

I’d want to use this medium to apologize to the stars directly outside my bedroom window, I think I sorta creeped them out with my incessant stares.

The year 2012 made me embrace my weaknesses and imperfections, made me realize I don’t have to be perfect to make a difference, made me appreciate the beauty of music and its therapeutic tendencies. Like the biblical carrying of the cross, I fell many times and somehow managed to get up and move on.

If it were possible to relive 2012 again what would I change? Well I’d try not to click on the download link to Tonto’s new singles.

I met quite a number of people this year who made a difference in my life, good or bad. Some made me realize that taking into consideration the criticisms of other people might leave you confused and worse off than you started, while others made me realize that life truly is just a huge meat pie. I guess I just need to work on my people relations skills.

My highlights of 2012 were (in no particular order):

Finally getting rid of self pity, forgiving certain people, discovering the azonto dance, Tonto’s new singles (hmmm), graduating from college and finally oppan gangnam styllleeeee!

What hopes do I have for 2013? Well getting into next year alive would only mean I’m still on the path to becoming a better sister, daughter, friend, lover and cook.

With all that said, I’d leave you with a few last words.

Learn to love yourself and watch things change for the better.
Not all that glitters is gold. (Well,they could be diamonds.)

Do not panic when you think of how many more singles we would get from Tonto in 2013.
Thanks for reading. Xx.


I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.


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