2015: On a Journey

I don’t know how to classify 2015 for myself. I cannot say it was bad because that would be ungrateful, I cannot say it was good because that would not be a whole truth. Honestly don’t know how I’d write this review without giving too little or too much so I’d just take it from the top.
2015 started with me in another country alone. I had landed in Canada on the 29th of December 2014. During my flight, I cried for almost an hour, I wasn’t sure I had made the right decision to leave 21 years of my life behind. Change is scary.

School started and I was excited (what a lol), I really wanted to make up for being such a terrible student in Unilag. I put as much effort as I could into my assignments because everything was new. I suddenly couldn’t copy and paste again because of turn it in. I had to ask people for help… All these things were new and they took a toll. My excitement started to fade, enter fear. OMG! I had wasted my parents money all because I couldn’t deal with a little unhappiness in Lagos. That’s how I felt. Well sha first semester came and went and I had a 3.8 GPA out of 4.0. Look saying I was happy is putting it lightly, I was sitting on top of the world. I suddenly forgot of the times I actually cried in front of my computer because my assignment just did not make any sense.

May, the month 2015 really started to go left. I had been in Canada for 5 months now and I just felt so alone. It’s not like I didn’t have friends (I had made really cool ones) it’s just that they weren’t like my old ones. The banter wasn’t the same, then there was me missing my parents. I have never gone more than 2 weeks without seeing either one of them. I got really depressed.

“Depression changes you. I remember liking things. I just no longer remember why I liked them.”

I suddenly hated going to class. I hated going out. I didn’t sign up to go for any of the school trips I would normally excitedly pay for. I even hated going shopping, I mean shopping that had become my therapy had began to irritate me because it meant seeing people. Suddenly it looked like life was happening for everyone but me. My day became, go to school, smile when necessary, function like a human being, come back home and cry. Yes, I think I cried every single day from May 25th to July. It was just easier to cry because I didn’t even under stand how I was feeling. I considered killing myself so many times this year I don’t know or understand how I am still here to write this review. On one of such occasions, I wrote about it here. During this whole period, I was just struggling in school, barely understanding how I was holding it together and passing school.

August, it was the end of school, I made it to the end, I was so relieved but the relief didn’t last long. I now had to worry about getting a job and getting buy. My parents had done so much and I could tell that it was beginning to take a toll on them because conversations always ended in “you need to get a job”. Anyway, I finished the semester and moved to a new city and the truth is I hated it! I hated the crowd, I hated that I was alone and friendless yet again, was it going to stop?

September to December. I eventually got a job. It wasn’t nothing fancy but I didn’t hate it. It got me out of the house, it paid me, and it made me too tired to want to do anything else. Perfect really but boy was I still a mess on the inside. I still had nights where all I did was cry. Oh and my final results came through, I was graduating with a distinction, even made the deans honours list. My parents were so happy haha, I was happy too but not really, it felt empty like I didn’t feel like I should have and it kinda sucked. I was getting used to the city now, hating it less. I started meeting people and hanging out life was becoming bearable again but things were still off on the inside.

“You can’t punish yourself into change. You can’t whip yourself into shape. But you can love yourself into well-being.” – Susan Skye

And I found out why soon enough. I hated myself. That’s the truth. I have never in my life felt like I was really good enough. The minute something made me feel inadequate, I’d fall apart because the truth is that’s the light in which I have always seen myself “not adequate”. I guess I finally had enough time alone without anyone to see that I was my own problem. I could shout I love myself a million times but the truth was I did not. I loved everyone else but me and I found that out in 2015. It was a moment of clarity. I am learning now though, to do things for myself and to celebrate my victories. I’m trying not to worry too much about tomorrow and to just accept me and the fact that I will always be in a constant mode of change because nothing else really stays the same.

2015 was the year of getting to not just know myself but to also accept myself. It was a year of swallowing a lot of bitter truths about who I see in the mirror and I hope I am a better person for it. I am really excited about 2016 because I’ve really just settled into Canada after one year here and I like it here. It feels more like home because I don’t feel like I have to hide who I am or downplay parts of me and that’s what I’ve done all my life.
I am thankful for every one who had faith in me when I had none in myself, you guys actually kept me alive. To the people who stayed even when I shut the door in their faces, I really will do better because you deserve better. I’m glad 2015 happened because it really did try to kill me but haha here I am. I saw this tweet that really summed up how I currently feel.

2015

I hope everyone has a lovely 2016. Peace and love.

Bankole

The not carefree black girl

7 Comments

  • Aykayy says:

    LOVE! Depression is a really terrible thing. Went through it this year n had to realize I was the only one who could pull myself out of it. My faith in God has really been my saving grace. I feel you when u say u only loved others but not urself. Without someone to shower love n affection on, I often feel a bit lost. Now I lone I always have someone to love I.e me. I’m learning to love myself little by little through seeing myself as God sees me. I totally relate with being thankful that I didn’t kill my self six months ago…lol. Keep going strong, 2016 will def be better.

  • Nikky says:

    Me too. October to December seemed like the longest months of this year. I got depressed and felt like my life was on hold. Even though I got a new job many people would die for, it didn’t take long for my excitement to fade coupled with the fact that my best friend of many years who eventually became my boyfriend broke up with me. He said he wasn’t feeling it. Now, I seem to have lost the friendship alongside the relationship. I just got tired of life -simply put. I’m optimistic about 2016. I hope it smiles on me.

  • Jvmoke says:

    Distinction. Deans Honor list. Girl! You are better than good enough.
    Congratulations.

  • Z says:

    You are definitely not alone. Moving to another country by yourself, the weather change, enough to cause depression. Thank God you pulled through. I know how tough is it. I’ve been there. You cry so much, you lray for death. But thank God for little mercies.
    2016 is gonna be a wonderful year for you. Ifeel it from your post. Big hugs.

  • Phi says:

    Congrats on your result babe, it’s a big deal. I’m glad you didn’t let 2015 break you completely. Here’s to hoping 2016 will be a whole lot better. Hang on!

  • Apsel says:

    Hi Banky, I’ve looked forward to reading a not-so-krptic piece from you. Glad to know you’re finding yourself. Here’s to a fulfilling 2016.

  • Gidi Mallam says:

    I remember reading some of your tweets last year and being concerned. I’m glad you’re still here Banky. Glad you didn’t let the darkness take you. I pray that you find the light God’s made available to you, and that you do come to see yourself the way He does.

    *huge hug*

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