Nothing earth shattering happened to me this year and it feels odd.
For the past 10 years, my life has been one never ending rollercoaster ride. I am a calm person but my life is not calm. Infact, I am a calm person now because my life is rarely calm.
When this year started, I wanted two things; a new job and a divorce. I am pleased to inform you that I achieved none.
For my entire career, I had always been in a back office support role and then early last year, I was moved to a market facing support role. As an optimist, I had my concerns but I had more hope for excellence than the former, however, my first year in that role sucked because I struggled all through to the end of the year so I decided I wanted a new job.
I started applying for customer service roles I was sure I’d kill only to be faced with rejection every time. My reaction every time was to soliloquize and say, “Why not just let me in first and see what I can do, I’m good at this thing”, but it still hurt. It started affecting the way I did my actual job because all I could think of was leaving and this was not good enough so I recalibrated; why not sell the value you claim to have to the people who currently need you, everything good will come. This changed the way I did my job and everything good has been coming. I still want a new job but for the right reasons this time and not because I wasn’t good enough at my current.
2017 was a good year but emotionally it wasn’t. There was anger on both sides and no progress being made on co-parenting, so I just switched off and stopped engaging for my mental well-being. I was walking around with so much rage and nowhere to channel it. Getting a divorce was what I thought I needed to be free. I had so much anger within me and I just wanted a clean break but how do you make a clean break from someone you have children with? The answer is you don’t.
How do I thrive if I’m so bitter all the time Lord? Take it away, all of it! I don’t need it! I don’t want it!
I don’t know exactly when it happened but I started 2018 lighter and ready to draw up a custody agreement and my co-parent was ready to sign it. This set the tone for our relationship in 2018. It was one of peace and I’m grateful.
I still want my divorce but it is now coming from a place free of pain and bitterness.
I didn’t hoe at all in 2018 and it is tragic because I am now in that headspace where I want something meaningful and I wonder when I’d ever be able to focus in my life. However, it gets lonely sometimes so I want my own person.
This year was one for growth by staying put and that’s good enough. It’s also my 30th birthday today and I don’t think you guys are ready for me in my thirties.