Okay, I’m not actually “back” since this is my first time but let’s just pretend I’m back, alright? Okay.
First, the headlines:
-Battled grief. Won.
-Lost and found self.
-Dreams came true, and it was better than I expected.
Now, the news in full.
The year actually started well. I was so optimistic in January. I even wrote a post here for Olatoxic’s 30 Days of Hope. Unfortunately, things went downhill in February. I lost a lot of money trying to repair a broken gadget. March was a better month. My birthday, that I don’t care much about celebrating, was really beautiful. My family made me feel so special. I was very happy that day.
Things deteriorated from March. I had been having semi-quarrels with bae and things were getting out of hand. I was also trying to get an internship for the second half of the year. I was juggling my relationship headaches with my internship search, which wasn’t going very well. After a couple of big fights with bae, things cooled down. During this period, I got an internship with an amazing firm.
By July, my internship was going well. I was enjoying myself and I even made new friends. But I wasn’t feeling like myself. I felt cold, empty and lost. I tried to talk to bae about it but it didn’t work out so well. I was increasingly feeling unbalanced and it wasn’t long before I did something completely out of character and bae ended the relationship.
At first, it was good because I had a new friend that helped me handle it but I couldn’t ignore reality any longer and I caved. I had lost someone I thought I couldn’t live without and for the most part, I didn’t. I just totally switched off. Life became routine and dead. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to lie down all day. My work and friendships started suffering but I couldn’t care less. I tried talking to bae but he seemed so distant. I had lost my best friend. We had practically done everything together.
I cried myself to sleep most nights. I experienced unparalleled grief. You know that point in your life where your answer to everything is “I don’t know”? I was at that point for the better part of six months. I became a shell of my former self. I could barely recognize who I had become. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I confided in a few friends and they tried. They tried to cheer me up but I just didn’t want to live again. I didn’t want to be rescued from the hole I was stuck in.
But somehow, I eventually started healing. I won’t say it was easy. It wasn’t. But I did it. No actually, God did it because I had very little strength at that point.
I cannot but appreciate friends who were there for me during this trying period. They held me when I wanted to crumble and never get back up. They helped me smile. They made me laugh. They made me feel less alone. Especially Chinchin. Who was a home when I felt like I had none. He provided an escape from the weight of my problems. He wiped my tears when I thought he couldn’t see them. He dotted on me and protected me when I was at my most vulnerable. I’m eternally grateful to him. Wherever he is.
I may not be at 100% yet but I feel more like myself than I’ve felt in months. I still have a lot of work to do but it’s getting easier. Some days are better than others. Some days, I almost go back to zombie mode but I sleep it off, wake up and I’m grateful to God again.
But it wasn’t all bad though. It never is, I’ve realised. I did very well in my exams. I met amazing people. Projects I’d been working on since the beginning of the year turned out more beautiful than I could have imagined. I was so scared and anxious for a long time but everything worked out perfectly. I am totally happy. If you’re going to take anything away from this, take this: Dream Bigger. It’s worth the risk.
And most importantly, through all my ups and downs, God has been unfailingly by my side. I cannot thank Him enough. He gives me better things than I could ever have dreamed about. Every Single Time. Also, things I subconsciously wished for and was planning towards just fell in my laps like it was nothing. His loving kindness is definitely beyond description.
I give every year a theme and the theme for this year is loss… Losing and gaining.
Losing things I’d had for years and thought I would never lose.
Gaining things I’d wanted for years and was scared I would never get. Dreams coming true and dreams dying.
Most of the year was about fighting my biggest battles and winning. Facing my deepest fears and coming out stronger…for the most part.
I lost myself trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved. I dealt with grief this year or to put it more accurately, grief dealt with me. I’m not going to deceive anybody and say I’ve moved past my experiences this year. But I’m in a place where it no longer colours the way I see the world. I’m in a place that has hope, however little.
My major takeaway from this year will be “No matter how dark it is, light always finds a way to seep in. Always.” This year, I moved from being knocked down to the floor to finding the strength to rise and kneel in humility before God. But standing proud and healed?
I’ll get there. Eventually.
Putting one foot in front of the other is the hardest and easiest thing in the world. It’s also the most revolutionary. If you simply keep moving, you will be unstoppable. And this is why I believe you when you say you will get there, eventually. God heal you from your loss.
For the rest of you, there’s one little error in this post. Do you think you can spot it?