I first wrote a review of my year in 2012 and I followed it up with one in 2013 (the first one I put up on 19th Street). I have a fear that this is the last review that I’ll be able to bring myself to write. It seems so because it gets more difficult to put the events of the year in words with each year that passes. It’s as if the major events of the year become more private as the years go by.
The years are getting progressively shorter and progressively worse. This year, my life was deconstructed into its constituent parts and each of them seemed to be moving off completely independent of the others. At times some things were going so well while others were not and it was really confusing.
Academically, the year was a rollercoaster. It felt like I was struggling to do just enough – pushing myself, but not far enough. Sure, it gave me the results I expected, but sometimes I look back and realise that the amount of extra effort I’d have had to put in to do much better was so little that it’s painful that I didn’t.
I passed the examinations I’d been ‘preparing’ for for two years. I felt afterwards that I should have been much happier about this fact. I would have been, but for the nagging feeling that I didn’t do as well as I could have.
Now, I’ve resumed at a whole different level in School. There’s so much talk about Clinical School and its rigours and the severity of the situation at hand seems not to have fully hit me.
This year, there were too many things and people that I chose not to think or talk about. It made for a simple year with fewer panic attacks and heated outbursts than last year. On the other hand, it has left me now with a taste in my mouth that could have been nostalgia – the taste of what could have been but sadly wasn’t.
This year I lost a sizeable portion of my liver and felt good doing it. I learnt about addiction and substance abuse and many other things I’m not proud of. In retrospect, learnt is probably the wrong word to use in this context. I’m currently making lifestyle changes that I hope will last into the new year and beyond.
I’m too young to be this jaded. I’m too old to still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s worrisome now because next year I will stop being a teenager and can no longer blame my excesses on teenage exuberance. I know that by now I should have moved on past this teenage exuberance and I really should not be waiting until it’s almost too late to let go of these habits.
In addition to all this is the knowledge that, if the past is anything to go by, next year is definitely not going to be a bed of roses.
I can’t end this without adding that, in spite of how sombre the tone of this post is, there are many things that I am thankful for. I am thankful, first of all, for the lives of the people I care for; I am thankful for baby steps in the right direction that they are making. I am thankful for the opportunities that each new day brings, even though at times I am ungrateful and ignore them.
Last year, I ended my review with a quote that I honestly believed when I submitted that review. This year, however, I have learnt that although the quote is correct – hope indeed springs eternal in the human breast, but sometimes this hope is misguided. However, I am human and I cannot but hope that next year is my best year yet.
You know what? I’m ready for anything that fate is going to throw my way.
I have often thought that hope is the most powerful thing in the world going by its size to weight ratio. No matter how small hope is, it can carry so much weight it colours your entire life. Reading this, I still felt the little flicker of hope at the end.
Thank you for sharing, Michael. This evening, we will have Nero on here for the first time in our review series. Don’t miss it for anything.