Day 29: Osisiye

The last time I wrote a year’s end review, it was like an introduction to manhood because I had just got my first place and had to make some manly decisions. That was 2012.

2 years later, and it seems like I am just reviewing those choices, not focusing on the new.

Because 2014 felt like an audition, man, one of those Nollywood ones.

2014 felt like a free kick. Defence lined up in front, protecting their crotches. Team mates waiting for the loose ball. And then, muscle pull.


I walk into my compound at the end of a work day. I walk in on Simba as he chases a lizard into the space between the AC and the wall. He looks up at me, confused. If he comes to ‘greet’ me, the lizard escapes. If he chases the lizard, he breaks our unspoken human – dog respect arrangement. He has to choose between me and the lizard, and it’s a tough choice.

That was my 2014, man. I had to choose between friendship and stuff. I’m just here looking at these stripes wondering if it was all worth it.

Simba chose the lizard over me by the way.

I walk into my house, sorry room. There’s no power. Simba wants to come in too. I don’t have a problem with this when there’s power and the AC is on but with no power, his presence just makes the room hotter. But I am a good man, and I let him in. He repays the kindness by farting in the already hot room. One moment, the room was calm, next moment, the air is tense with dog fart. I’m just like ‘Et tu Simba? But I  trusted you’.


That was my 2014, man. In my search for companionship, I allowed people close and they messed up royally. I’m just here looking at my symbols wondering if it was all worth it.

I swear, sometimes I be at the beach and I see something from my past life; like my ex. So I call Simba and ask ‘Oi homie, ain’t that ***** in the distance?’. Simba comes over, takes a good look and says ‘It’s aii master, it’s just a wave’.


That was 2014 man. In 2014, loneliness became a place, something I could walk into and tell you the colour of its walls. It’s actually a mix of pink with soft grays and slightly damp walls. You know, the kind of loneliness experienced by one in a big city where there’s a traffic jam, but you are alone in your car, windows wound up, doors manually locked, playing the latest Asa album. The one where you celebrate victories by opening a bottle of red alone, or giving your dog an extra helping of Jo-Jo lamb sauce.

So many times in 2014, I felt like Decaf Osi. (Decaf coffee is coffee without a soul. It smells like coffee, tastes like coffee but it is soulless). I drifted sometimes and felt like that; decaf.

In 2014, I learnt gratitude. I’m thankful, man.

In 2015, I just wanna be more deliberate, man. And more thankful. I wanna be like the leper that came back to say Thank You. I wanna look at these things and understand they were not here before, identify my objects of gratitude, yeah that kind of thing.

I wanna use this moment to just say thanks to a few people who made 2014 worthwhile.

First, the Johnny Walker Company. Between August 27 and September 8, they had this price slash. So a One Litre bottle of Johnny Walker’s Red Label retailed for #1,560 as opposed to #2,870. I will forever be grateful for that, man.


Then the folks at Chocolate City, for dropping the most fire album of 2014.

Then most importantly, my landlady. Paid my rent for the 3rd consecutive year last week Wednesday and this good lady has still not increased the rent. That’s rare in Lekki, man. I’m blessed, man.

I don’t even know, man. My book has been published but I’ve not put it in book stores. I’m not yet ready to be a writer. See, in preparation of being a writer and stoffs, I’ve been fuxing with the writer community. I even made a checklist of things to get (and I’ve gotten them): Ray Bans, keep bushy hair, wear ankara print shapeless blouses, write with pencil instead of biro and pause after every sentence.


Was at a book reading the other day, author reads from his book then folks in the audience hit him with a zillion questions: ‘Are you ghana dance? If we show you the money? Are you Ghana dance? If we show you the way?’. See, I hate to be asked questions man. So the books remain in their pretty brown cartons till readers change.



Are you ghana dance?! Like really now? Seriously Osisiye?! LOL

Your sense of humour is unique. We are ready to launch your book for you and we promise not to ask any silly questions. Please.


I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.


  • Ranti says:

    You are obviously a good writer. This put a smile on my face.
    Hopefully that smile stays till the end of the day.

  • Nimi says:

    This has to be my favourite write up so far. You are a good writer and I’d be happy to read your book a and not ask silly questions if I show up at your book reading. I pray your 2015 is amazing.

  • Lade says:

    You’re still one of the funniest writers I’ve read. Also, publish that book quick.
    P.S: I want a signed copy

  • Loxie says:

    Reading your stuff ALWAYS makes me laugh. You are certainly a good writer and I cant wait to read your book. Have a fantastic 2015 ahead and love to Simba.

  • Batty says:

    Hahaha.. You’re already behaving like writers do. Relationship with a dog rather than humans. Abeg I wan read that book and I get right to ask plenty questions unless you no wan to blow.

  • Isemuan says:

    Heyyyyy, My crush wrote on this blog, and isn’t it surprising that his review is my best so far. Lol.
    May 2015 be your year. May you be overwhelmed with blessings in all aspects of your life.
    Please and please publish that book. With your sense of humour, I know you will go places. I also won’t mind a signed copy.
    Here’s to an awesome new year.
    Remain blessed and say hi to Simba on my behalf. 😀

  • Osisiye says:

    Awww…so much love. Thanks folks. xo

  • Clarion says:

    Lol! You’re already becoming the stereotype writer….but please drop the shapeless ankara tops. I beg you on behalf of all the fashion community. Those things have to end with 2014!

  • Bilkisu says:

    This has some warmth to it. I Love it.

  • Nur says:

    i’ll only log in here to read a post by you. You know we are your number 1 fans right? i’ll be front row at your book reading and will axe anyone who asks you questions. Please please please just publish the book already. i promise i’ll buy one for every member of my family including our 2 dogs.

  • highlandblue says:

    Osisiye is silly but you can’t help liking him. Smh.

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