I was scared stiff of putting pen to paper and doing a review of 2014 but here I am.*Brings out shekere, shakes it vigorously, does a praise dance and shouts Hallelujah.*
I began 2014 positive and full of expectations but I was also nursing a couple of latent regrets. I am quite analytical you see so I marinate on an issue, go back and forth, pray, find my peace before I act. So admitting that I might have made a wrong decision regardless was a deep place for me and it hurt badly. Move on, no I didn’t, I organized a nice little pity party for myself and whoever showed up. Then in a way I have never ever seen it before, God took my regrets and melted them in Romans 8:28.
“All (in all totality) things (the good, bad, ugly, deliberate choices, mistakes) work together (are somehow fitting into a plan, somehow when put together make sense) to all them who love God and are the called according to His purpose.” (Emphasis Mine)
Then it was time to let go… and as I think about it today, one of the Disney soundtracks in Frozen comes to mind.
‘Let it go…let it go…
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door…’
In 2014, I experienced the rare rewards of spontaneity. Some of the best friendships I made this year and several opportunities are a few of such rewards. Not every time plan, plan, sometimes just live. Last minute detours and changes all paid off and even when they didn’t, just not being stuck in plans and processes was something I came to enjoy as evidence of being human vs. simply running a program. #HumanNotRobot
As per work, I made progress this year, first I need to hail my boss. God bless him. I learned to be more assertive and to handle tough conversations to balance my amiable side. I grew in between my ears, oh yes I did (GetAbstract book summaries were very helpful with my sustained business reading). I thrived amidst office politics, learned from a smart trainee with a horrible attitude who reminded me that ‘attitude beta pass sabi’ (Gratefully he’s since gotten better). I enjoyed my first Private Jet experience. An investee client flew us in his PJ to inspect some of his projects in the MiddleBelt. From the lounge experience to the flight itself, I loved the life! I didn’t even know those private hangars existed. Mehn, it was such a cool experience.
In the past year, I suffered rejection on different levels. Romantically and all, this had to be my worst year yet as per the rejections. From nowhere and with no warning, I seemed to be losing people I cared about. I checked myself till I almost created flaws to justify the rejections. Honestly, I tried to make things better as much as I could. I put my pride aside and kept asking. Was it me? Something I did or said? Am I such a bad, undesirable or replaceable person that they could just move on without even caring how it hurt or missing me like I missed them? I experienced first-hand, lethal doses of ‘assumptionmycin’ and felt the real meaning of ‘when you assume, you make an ass of u and me’. But, last last, I put it down to seasons, some people belong in seasons and that’s all.
I broke several chains in 2014, procrastination for one (part reason I didn’t achieve all I set out to do). The way the chain fell off ehn? I met a lovely lady who was living my life, making the choices I didn’t make and she was a living example of what procrastination had cost me. Inspired by her, I found all the discipline I needed to wage a final battle. Then I learned to say NO. When you are somewhat reliable, people tend to recommend you for all the ad hoc work that needs to be done which if you were me, you would gladly do anyway at some great unplanned sacrifice maybe. I learnt to deliver myself by saying NO without guilt.
I told a lie one day, it didn’t start out as a lie but I misrepresented the facts nonetheless and it was to my benefit if they believed the lie to be true. As I walked out, I lost my peace. I had to go back to make it right and the implications were potentially dire. But my peace with God was not something I could negotiate away. God wasn’t having that quiet closet prayer of repentance or walking away from the benefit. I had to deal with that lie face to face. It was hard but it was worth it. I got my peace back right away and earned the recipients respect.
I learned to act immediately I felt led to. A few times I turned out to be ‘acting angel’ simply because I did what came to my heart. Then the random scriptures or tweets that spoke to exactly what I was going through. You never know how that random tweet or blogpost of yours just fits into someone’s scattered puzzle. I enjoyed virtual fellowships across the world via BBM’s and DM’s. LOL. God is amazing, He may not have come through in all the ways I wanted, but come through He did. God came through for my friends and family in amazing ways this year and I shed so many tears of joy. It’s such a blessing to have those you love celebrate. For me, amidst my ups and downs, as I rejoiced with them, I found courage to walk my sometimes lonely path as their victories served to remind me that God was in my neigbourhood.
“The memory of the righteous is blessed,
But the name of the wicked will rot” Proverbs 10:7 (NKJV)
In 2014, I mourned. Grandma Mo passed on Easter Sunday. I spent all of Saturday nursing and taking her, how could I have I known? I remember her quiet strength, her fight and the way she called my name. Miss you Grannie. Chai! ChazB passed on too. That shocked me, I won’t lie. Our last conversation still burns in my heart. I’m immensely grateful for 5 years of friendship. Was so hard to deal, still is. I miss you Chaz, Rest on!!!
Who can discern his lapses and errors? Clear me from hidden [and unconscious] faults. Psalm 19:12. AMP
2014 seems to have been a year of revelation for me. I saw many of my hidden and unconscious faults often amidst my pain. For instance, I didn’t realize how proud I could be until I had to deal with those rejections. I would never have thought myself as proud if God didn’t show me. Same way, several other flaws came to light and I had to address them. I learned to ask. Just speak out and give people an opportunity to come through for you. You may get a no, and even then you aren’t worse off but you may get a yes as well. I saw people bend over backwards to help. I learned to accept my peculiar journey, and said no to ‘normalcy’ and the need to conform.
“For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.” Psalm 100:5 (NKJV)
Softly hums Frank Edwards ‘Oghene doh’. I’m grateful in more ways than words can say. For family…amazing people who just bear those burdens and trust God with me tirelessly each step of the way. ‘My girls’ who are embracing their teenage years and whose growth and wisdom amazes me. For my amazing friends who are counsellors, confidants, a moving daily dairy in one case, angels and then some, THANK YOU. I’m grateful for health…more than ever before I acknowledge the frailty of great dreams and plans without a healthy body and spirit. I’m grateful for my great grandma who doesn’t recognise me anymore but every visit with her leaves me with even more memories. For my grandma, parents, uncles and aunts and senior friends who by their lives inspire me to do and be. These relationships mean a whole lot to me, you guys are my blessing. I feel wealthy in relationships!!! I’m grateful for the timeliness of God’s help. Even I am in awe at how He always comes through even if He has to use a random taxi driver or a complete stranger to get a word in, He does.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop with my God I can scale a wall. Psalm 18:28 (NIV)
Truth is I am not the same person that started 2014. I can honestly say I was helped by God. It feels like my crucible of preparation. I have experienced God and enjoyed beautiful friendships. Strangers turned family who extended to me such generosity and warmth that I am still amazed. I have bitten some bullets, taken some major risks and listened more to my spirit and heart above my head. I acknowledged my flaws and learnt life changing lessons. I feel like I have just the right foundation for 2015. My relationship with God grew…quietly and consistently. I am walking my path, feel like I am steadily doing what I was born to do or being prepared to be and do. I feel really blessed especially when I realize that God’s blessing is more about becoming a person of character amidst conflict than it is about getting stuff.
Miley Cyrus did a song, back when she was still the innocent looking ‘Hannah Montana’. She sang
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but no I’m not breaking
I may not know it but, these are the moments I’m gonna remember, most yeah’
Just gonna keep goin’
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, ‘cause
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there
Aint about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
So for me, it’s about the CLIMB.
Let’s do 2015, a year to FLOURISH.
Hi Eloho! You have become a member of the family this 2014. Much love. Thank you for sharing. Eloho writes here LINK.