Day 22: Raihanah

وَلَلْآخِرَةُ خَيْرٌ لَّكَ مِنَ الْأُوlٰ

And surely what comes after is better for you than that which has gone before.” – Surah Ad-Dhuha, Verse 4:

Fixed. That was what I was at the end of 2013. I was ready for 2014, without any of the cracks and shards of pain and grief.

This year, my energy was directed within.
Within; close enough to chat with my soul, to truly feel myself and to synchronize myself with myself. I poured myself gradually and intently, into loving myself.

The path of self re-discovery led me to knowing. I discovered layers of me that had been coated with unnecessary darkness; like how I can be intense and emotional and how crying can be awesome and liberating, or how I can be relentless and stubborn while still being submissive at the same time.

I learnt that change is the reason. For everything.
So I unlearned all that “I will never” and replaced it with “I may”, and “that would be OK”
I’m learning how to be a doctor, to counsel, to guide and to be so many things to many people at once without losing myself.
I learnt how to assist a caesarian section, how to mess around with makeup, how to say no without guilt..
I had to unlearn silence and to speak out when the need arises.
I relearnt how to talk to my Almighty with no holds barred
I unlearnt my shame and my regrets, and let go of unchannelled grief
I learnt to love like a human and like a woman, fiercely.

I took the Hippocritic Oath of Medical Practice on  20th Of June (the happiest day of my life) – exactly a year after the worst day of my life – when I woke up to the kiss of death at my brother’s doorstep. This to me was like beautifully written prose from my Illah (Creator); a situation laden with lessons. This quiet message rekindled my faith. Alhamdullilah. I am on my path now. Healing; undoubtedly. I haven’t quite figured out my speciality, but I’m sure that the answer will come to me naturally and soon.

“Be free to make happiness your muse”

I joined the #100daysofhappiness on instagram. It afforded me the opportunity to stop and count my blessings each day and I realized that the choice to be happy was a really easy one and that “Happiness is a mood… Not a destination.” Its in the little things that warm the heart and they aren’t so farfetched.

Sometimes, I don’t believe it but I’m truly happy now! Look at me, ma!

Allah gives you what is best for you. I can not overemphasize this. He takes what you want and modifies it into what you didn’t even realize you needed. Even in times where I thought he was denying me the things I thought I needed, I realized that patience paid me better in manifold. I didn’t get the house job placement I wanted, I already had the one I needed and the advantages of this one I have is something I come to garner everyday.

We grow.

Thank You Amir Sulaiman.
Thank You Mufti Menk.
Thank You Rumi.

In the end, I remain
Panacea – Healer
Writer, in and out of hiatus
Member, FatFitfam
Seamstress, in training
Lover, intensely
Doctor, Passionate
Muslimah, Striving.
Woman, in progress.

“Fear is the fire that burns.
Faith is water. And Prayer is Its Rain.”
#NoFear #NoHalfway

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For those of you who are used to Raihanah, I’m sure this felt as refreshing as it did for me. If you are really back, we look forward to your creative talents on display in 2015. Continue being great.