PLEASE: DO NOT EDIT MY SHIT EFE đ
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If youâre reading this now, itâs either of two things:
1. Youâve been left behind and the Mayans were actually right
2. Youâve located a very good WiFi spot in Heaven. Iâm sure no one passwords the WiFi up there. Well, I sincerely hope not because I canât imagine trying to hack into Heavenâs protected Wifi. Heck! I just spent my entire life ensuring I got here. What the hell?
Anyway, if the world has ended and youâre on earth, itâs either of two things:
1. You actually didnât give a hoot about making it to Heaven (which is why youâre comfortably reading this)
2. Youâre wondering how I wrote this and if I made it. Well, Yes Iâm chilling in Heaven right now, somewhere close to Rahabâs place. You know thatâs the âRed chord districtâ and I sent this in to Efe way before the trumpet blew.
Anyway, thatâs not why we are here. Itâs a pleasure to grace 19th Street (or whatâs left of it) for the first time on this last day of the world (or first day if the world has ended already). Typical of me.
My year in review? LAWL, letâs do this.
*****
I came quite early this time; basically 365 days after my brother took his leave. It seemed like lots of people anticipated my arrival and I sure didnât disappoint them. The clock struck 12 midnight worldwide, there were shouts, screams, fireworks (bangers/knockouts as you know it in these parts), prayers and tears, Couples sharing kisses, single ones tapping current in the name of hugs, pastors declaring blessings and churning up ridiculous slogans (for sticker sale purposes)while thinking of how much offering they garnered. General fanfare was what heralded my arrival.
And somewhere away from all the merriment was a guy. Kelvin.
PAUSE: At this point, itâs necessary you observe the spelling. Itâs Kelvin NOT Kevin. See that âL?â Yeah. As you were…
For some reason, he caught my eye; probably because he was sat on a couch in his dadâs house, basically not involved in any celebration whatsoever. I had read his file and based on the briefing I had received about him, I immediately took him up as a project for the duration of my lifetime, hopefully he wouldnât last that long.
January 2nd: I pulled my first hit on him, seeing as he was out partying with his friends at Elegushi beach. I mean why should he be partying? What reason does he have to celebrate? I lured him close to the sea and while he stood there enjoying the waves lap up his feet, I caused the sea to literally sweep him off and take him into its depth. He went down with a friend and I felt fulfilled, surely he was going to drown. Surely Iâd give his family something to grieve over early in the year. Surely he wouldnât survive.
Surely I was wrong. He did. They did.
Sidebar: You can read the account of that day here: http://wp.me/p1WpwH-36
February: I decided to hit from another angle. Pain is pain although itâs sweeter when it comes from the inside. This Kelvin was sure going to get it. His sister just returned from the UK and was eager to bake some cakes, Iâm just going to use this gas refilling guy as my agent. So yeah, I make him fill up the gas to the point of overflow. You know what they say about overflowing blessings? Anyway, she lights up her gas and BOOM! FIRE!!! Luckily for me, no one was there to help her, Surely, she canât possibly survive. Surely she canât possibly run out to the street. No one would help her surely.
Surely I was wrong. She did. They did.
March: The family is gathered at the hospital watching as Kelvinâs sister recovers miraculously and speedily. The burns have covered up and new skin is already in place. She didnât get burnt elsewhere asides her arm and back and those are pretty much gone. Sigh. Ok, plan C has to be executed. While his brother, wife and their 10 month old kid returned home, I decided to play with fire again. This time causing their BMW X5 (former safest car in the world) to catch fire via the engine, hoping this will cause them to have an accident. Surely he would step on the brakes. Surely the car will flip or catch fire. Surely no one would help.
Surely I was wrong. He didnât. It didnât. They didnât (have to).
April and May came along and I had at least succeeded in keeping him in job limbo. Kelvin had applied for job after job after job and like job before him; all he got was affliction and no headway (cleanse your mind. No sexual puns here). I had got him depressed faster than a deflated fat kid who just dropped his ice cream cone. Oh yes, I had found that place to hit him, and boy I hit him hard. This recent lodging in depression hotel caused him to push away those who believed in him because he got tired of the âyouâll be finesâ and the âit is wellsâ cos as far as he could see, ainât nothing changing. Finally, I had him. But there were those who still refused to give up on him; Friends who stayed and prodded and got him to experience living again especially one particular yellow, chubby one, an aboki and their Richard Branson friend. I hate them.
And there was one; A thousand Miles away yet her presence closer than the breath of mating asthmatic couples. How did I overlook her? Iâll tell you how. She was an enemy, his âenemyâ and so I never thought she would become the one who would hold his hand through the hard nights and empty mornings since February. The one who would tell him âyouâre screwed alright but **** itâ Iâm not even going to pretend, she was a thorn. She kept him going, making him resurrect belief in himself even after daily pacquiao type knockouts; the assuring softness of her voice, the sincere realness (which was downright annoying). She held on strong to someone whose days looked more hopeless than where Rihanna found love. So yeah, she became a target too. Iâll save her story for her to tell someday.
Anyway, I needed to kill his belief and hope so I decided to use someone else. A supposed ânew friendâ it wasnât hard finding the one. That one who comes newly into the fold with the intention of being âamong.â it also wasnât hard to manipulate this one because his heart was seemingly, already set in stone. I used him to try break his bond with an old friend of this Kelvin (and I succeeded for the most part), spreading lies was easy; He was even instrumental to an attempt at severing the chords of brotherhood Kelvin shared with some group of people…. Surely he would succeed. Surely his friends will distrust him.
Surely I was wrong. He didnât. They didnât.
Sidebar: To whom it may concern: If youâre reading this now, you lost out fuckboy….and yeah, fuck you.
What did I not try? I used his single status to taunt him, used the failure of his past relationship(s) to hit him harder than Mike Tyson knocking sense into a retarded Mr Ibu. I used the belief that no one is worth his trust to keep him from experiencing the advertised joys of relationships, I sent job rejection letters, I did it all. *sigh.* In the midst of all this though, he seemed to find joy at the keys of his laptop or phone, as a smile always draws on his face when he puts up a post on his blog and people tell of how he made their day. Or when he tweets stuff and people âLOLâ although we canât say if they actually did âLOLâ or just âLâ. And of course, those early morning calls and BBMs from his best friend. These pleasures kept him going.
In August, another friend recommended him for a job which he got. I decided to ease up while I planned to kill his joy with the workload. If I could make him so busy, I could probably take away that stupid, smug smile forever. I tried. My people I tried. Iâve been trying.
Itâs December now and Iâm exhausted. Between August and now, Kelvin still has his job, has friends that matter and have proven their worth time over, single still, has other income sources, recognised with an award for his team blog efforts, has his family intact in spite of all, has moved to his place, has continued bringing joy and smiles to many via keyboard/keypad and is still standing. Thereâs nothing extraordinary about him really and itâs not entirely rosy. Like you all reading this now, Iâve tried to hit you in many ways. Iâve succeeded at some and failed at others but youâre still here and Iâm the one exiting. One should be able to realize when the battle is lost and I have accepted that. Guess we all know who the winner is yeah? Surely you do. As long as you can see this, it matters little what youâve lost or gained this year. You can look ahead and determine to have a better 2013. You donât need a prophecy or year tag to decide your course. You decide that by yourself. If you could defeat 2012, thatâs an achievement worth being proud of.
Itâs been real guys. Iâm out in 10 days never to bug you again.
2012.
This was the year of friendships for me. Somewhere along the line, I realized those that matter and learned that loyalty is thicker than blood. I probably turned out to be a bad investment for some, a pain in the ass to others, a shoulder for some and a burden to others. Haha! It ainât a thing. Iâm just glad that as days pass, Iâm getting closer to âsomewhere,â Please donât ask me, I donât really know where Iâm going. This must explain why I have follow phobia on twitter *sigh*…letâs do it again in 13…with less drama though.
Itâs a beautiful day, Smile.
… @Sirkastiq