Day 21: Kelvin

If you’re reading this now, it’s either of two things:
1.  You’ve been left behind and the Mayans were actually right
2. You’ve located a very good WiFi spot in Heaven. I’m sure no one passwords the WiFi up there. Well, I sincerely hope not because I can’t imagine trying to hack into Heaven’s protected Wifi. Heck! I just spent my entire life ensuring I got here. What the hell?

Anyway, if the world has ended and you’re on earth, it’s either of two things:
1.  You actually didn’t give a hoot about making it to Heaven (which is why you’re comfortably reading this)
2. You’re wondering how I wrote this and if I made it. Well, Yes I’m chilling in Heaven right now, somewhere close to Rahab’s place. You know that’s the “Red chord district” and I sent this in to Efe way before the trumpet blew.

Anyway, that’s not why we are here. It’s a pleasure to grace 19th Street (or what’s left of it) for the first time on this last day of the world (or first day if the world has ended already).  Typical of me.
My year in review? LAWL, let’s do this.

I came quite early this time; basically 365 days after my brother took his leave. It seemed like lots of people anticipated my arrival and I sure didn’t disappoint them. The clock struck 12 midnight worldwide, there were shouts, screams, fireworks (bangers/knockouts as you know it in these parts), prayers and tears, Couples sharing kisses, single ones tapping current in the name of hugs, pastors declaring blessings and churning up ridiculous slogans (for sticker sale purposes)while thinking of how much offering they garnered. General fanfare was what heralded my arrival.

And somewhere away from all the merriment was a guy. Kelvin.

PAUSE: At this point, it’s necessary you observe the spelling. It’s Kelvin NOT Kevin. See that ‘L?’ Yeah. As you were…

For some reason, he caught my eye; probably because he was sat on a couch in his dad’s house, basically not involved in any celebration whatsoever. I had read his file and based on the briefing I had received about him, I immediately took him up as a project for the duration of my lifetime, hopefully he wouldn’t last that long.

January 2nd: I pulled my first hit on him, seeing as he was out partying with his friends at Elegushi beach. I mean why should he be partying? What reason does he have to celebrate? I lured him close to the sea and while he stood there enjoying the waves lap up his feet, I caused the sea to literally sweep him off and take him into its depth. He went down with a friend and I felt fulfilled, surely he was going to drown. Surely I’d give his family something to grieve over early in the year. Surely he wouldn’t survive.

Surely I was wrong. He did. They did.

Sidebar: You can read the account of that day here:

February: I decided to hit from another angle. Pain is pain although it’s sweeter when it comes from the inside. This Kelvin was sure going to get it. His sister just returned from the UK and was eager to bake some cakes, I’m just going to use this gas refilling guy as my agent. So yeah, I make him fill up the gas to the point of overflow. You know what they say about overflowing blessings? Anyway, she lights up her gas and BOOM! FIRE!!! Luckily for me, no one was there to help her, Surely, she can’t possibly survive. Surely she can’t possibly run out to the street. No one would help her surely.

Surely I was wrong. She did. They did.

March: The family is gathered at the hospital watching as Kelvin’s sister recovers miraculously and speedily. The burns have covered up and new skin is already in place. She didn’t get burnt elsewhere asides her arm and back and those are pretty much gone. Sigh. Ok, plan C has to be executed. While his brother, wife and their 10 month old kid returned home, I decided to play with fire again. This time causing their BMW X5 (former safest car in the world) to catch fire via the engine, hoping this will cause them to have an accident. Surely he would step on the brakes. Surely the car will flip or catch fire. Surely no one would help.

Surely I was wrong. He didn’t. It didn’t. They didn’t (have to).

April and May came along and I had at least succeeded in keeping him in job limbo. Kelvin had applied for job after job after job and like job before him; all he got was affliction and no headway (cleanse your mind. No sexual puns here). I had got him depressed faster than a deflated fat kid who just dropped his ice cream cone. Oh yes, I had found that place to hit him, and boy I hit him hard. This recent lodging in depression hotel caused him to push away those who believed in him because he got tired of the “you’ll be fines” and the “it is wells” cos as far as he could see, ain’t nothing changing. Finally, I had him. But there were those who still refused to give up on him; Friends who stayed and prodded and got him to experience living again especially one particular yellow, chubby one, an aboki and their Richard Branson friend. I hate them.

And there was one; A thousand Miles away yet her presence closer than the breath of mating asthmatic couples. How did I overlook her? I’ll tell you how. She was an enemy, his ‘enemy’ and so I never thought she would become the one who would hold his hand through the hard nights and empty mornings since February. The one who would tell him “you’re screwed alright but **** it” I’m not even going to pretend, she was a thorn. She kept him going, making him resurrect belief in himself even after daily pacquiao type knockouts; the assuring softness of her voice, the sincere realness (which was downright annoying). She held on strong to someone whose days looked more hopeless than where Rihanna found love. So yeah, she became a target too. I’ll save her story for her to tell someday.

Anyway, I needed to kill his belief and hope so I decided to use someone else. A supposed “new friend” it wasn’t hard finding the one. That one who comes newly into the fold with the intention of being ‘among.’ it also wasn’t hard to manipulate this one because his heart was seemingly, already set in stone. I used him to try break his bond with an old friend of this Kelvin (and I succeeded for the most part), spreading lies was easy; He was even instrumental to an attempt at severing the chords of brotherhood Kelvin shared with some group of people…. Surely he would succeed. Surely his friends will distrust him.

Surely I was wrong. He didn’t. They didn’t.

Sidebar: To whom it may concern: If you’re reading this now, you lost out fuckboy….and yeah, fuck you.

What did I not try? I used his single status to taunt him, used the failure of his past relationship(s) to hit him harder than Mike Tyson knocking sense into a retarded Mr Ibu. I used the belief that no one is worth his trust to keep him from experiencing the advertised joys of relationships, I sent job rejection letters, I did it all. *sigh.* In the midst of all this though, he seemed to find joy at the keys of his laptop or phone, as a smile always draws on his face when he puts up a post on his blog and people tell of how he made their day. Or when he tweets stuff and people ‘LOL’ although we can’t say if they actually did ‘LOL’ or just ‘L’. And of course, those early morning calls and BBMs from his best friend. These pleasures kept him going.

In August, another friend recommended him for a job which he got. I decided to ease up while I planned to kill his joy with the workload. If I could make him so busy, I could probably take away that stupid, smug smile forever. I tried. My people I tried. I’ve been trying.

It’s December now and I’m exhausted. Between August and now, Kelvin still has his job, has friends that matter and have proven their worth time over, single still, has other income sources, recognised with an award for his team blog efforts, has his family intact in spite of all, has moved to his place, has continued bringing joy and smiles to many via keyboard/keypad and is still standing. There’s nothing extraordinary about him really and it’s not entirely rosy. Like you all reading this now, I’ve tried to hit you in many ways. I’ve succeeded at some and failed at others but you’re still here and I’m the one exiting. One should be able to realize when the battle is lost and I have accepted that. Guess we all know who the winner is yeah? Surely you do. As long as you can see this, it matters little what you’ve lost or gained this year. You can look ahead and determine to have a better 2013. You don’t need a prophecy or year tag to decide your course. You decide that by yourself. If you could defeat 2012, that’s an achievement worth being proud of.

It’s been real guys. I’m out in 10 days never to bug you again.


This was the year of friendships for me. Somewhere along the line, I realized those that matter and learned that loyalty is thicker than blood. I probably turned out to be a bad investment for some, a pain in the ass to others, a shoulder for some and a burden to others. Haha! It ain’t a thing. I’m just glad that as days pass, I’m getting closer to ‘somewhere,’ Please don’t ask me, I don’t really know where I’m going. This must explain why I have follow phobia on twitter *sigh*…let’s do it again in 13…with less drama though.

It’s a beautiful day, Smile.

… @Sirkastiq


I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.


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