I took an instant liking to Meena (@SvelteTwampire_) when she hugged me before asking my name. Enjoy 🙂
Its been a while since I wrote. It took seeing almost everyone else write before I summoned the courage to tell Efe I wanted to participate.
I had to consider a lot of things, a lot of options… Was 2011 worth writing about? I know I had good moments but then again all I remember are the bad ones. The nights I cried. The nights I suffered from migranes so bad I imagined just drowning myself in the bathroom. The continuous nights of depression, popping those pills the Doctor gave me, hoping and praying it would all just go away.
I realized how easy it was for thoughts of death to creep in your mind. It was then I realised how easy it was for people who killed themselves. There they sat (like me), in an empty room, thinking nothing else in the world mattered and perhaps nothing was worth it. I remember the nights I would sit in the dark alone on my chair and imagine a random person barging into my room and shooting me in the head a couple of times. Then I imagined my soul leaving my body… floating away to the great beyond. I asked myself – the great beyond? What is there? Does it exist?
Then again, I thought to myself how selfish I had become, and how much of a terrible person I was – who thinks of dying and hurting the ones who supposedly love them?
People always told me life was full of variety but everyday I woke up – it all seemed the same to me:
The rising of the sun
The setting of the moon
The movement of the clear clouds
The constant change in the shade of blue of the sky
Me, waking up every morning with a lot of unanswered questions
Me, wondering about the many mysteries of the world…
Theres always a ‘score’ in every ‘mile’. I stumbled on a peom I wrote 2 years ago:
Sometimes, this world can be so cold
So cold you imagine what existence man will make from it
Sometimes it is fire hot
You’re made to resign to fate
And a time comes when it looks normal
Normal to manouvre your path to success
But so soon,the world will take a new stance
Only to be bought with the best of your worth
Then you imagine if the messiah ever exists
Then we realize the depths of life
An agony of the heart
Suddenly a mile seems so far and yet unreachable
But who cares about the one who dares take that path
To struggle in the midst of opportunities
To fight for a position at your disposal
To be careful before jumping into the options of life
To have enemies if you’ll ever be the best of friends
Only those who buy reality make living have a meaning
If the world is worth living in
Then the rules are worth following
And in the end,we’ll see that we made that good score in a mile
And in the end,WE WIN!!!
Yes I won. I won at the point I began to realise the offspring of a warrior is never weak. I had to act lik the true ‘son’ of my father. I buried myself in the good memories, the thought of my mother proud of me, the thought of my siblings looking up to their big sister, the thought of my dad and how strong he is, the thought of my friends who were always there pushing me beyond my limits, the thought of that special person who loved me like no one ever has… those thoughts cleared my head, made me sane again. The highest point of 2011 had to be the completion of my MSc. It was a journey I had started, so unsure of what was to come and a journey I finished with the best of results – so much for even doubting myself lol.
This year, I’ve come to realise that I’m a much better person than I imagined, more capable of doing things I never thought I could do. You never really know how strong you are till being strong is the only option you have. This year, I’ve had the emotion for tears as well as the passion for laughter. Fear stung me to condemnation but I was true to myself.
Now, my memories burn the surface at the thought of yesterday. Even though I’m filled with pain at the annoying moments of the past when I made a bad judgement of the MAN in me, I still crave tomorrow. I can’t help but see that I was at a time what I am no more, what I’ll never be. All this in the quest for a good life BUT at least I am proud to look at 2011 – my past, and see what the future holds. I can almost foresee my future as I say:
GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY, GOODBYE TO 2011.
Maybe the sweetness of this post gets to me more because I know the person who wrote it. Thank you Meena.
Jennifer takes up the torch here tomorrow. We rolling 🙂