All things are working for my good
He’s intentional, never failing.
In January 2017, I didn’t believe a word of this. I had just started a job as a temporary retail associate. I didn’t know how my year was going to go – and I wasn’t hopeful. I was heartbroken, and completely broke. I was behind on every single bill, and some of my services had been disconnected. I walked for miles on my days off (of which there were many) because I had nothing to do and no money to do anything even if I wanted to. Some days I’d wander into a museum and stay for hours, mostly for the free wifi, also for the gram (because what’s life without an instagram story? [I kid. I was so scarce on social media people were looking for me.])
My year continued on its uneventful path until I acquired a roommate – who basically became the most important person in my existence. As someone who had grown accustomed to living alone, the change was quite drastic, but over the course of the months we spent together I grew accustomed to having a roommate and ended up unable to remember how to enjoy living solo.
In 2017 I was taught a lesson on how not to deal with unrequited love – the problem is I took a look at the lesson and told it to fuck off. Love is a succession of choices, I maintained, as I stubbornly persisted down my emotionally draining, but also quite amazing path. But that’s on me.
Maybe I should move on to a little testimony. Can the ushers prepare the baskets? Offerings are gonna be taken in the house tonight!
I kid. Just a little.
In the summer I worked a couple of days as a temp in a luxury stockroom. On the second day I was asked if I’d be up for a permanent role. I said of course, and that was that. Months went by, and I almost forgot that the offer had been made. Then one fine October day a couple of guys from the team saw me and called me over.
“Oh yeah! This is the manager’s email. Send him your CV.”
Two weeks later I went to an interview and got the job.
You never know when you’ll be blessed – you just have to be ready for it when it comes.
I don’t have to worry ‘cause
It’s working for me
I’m still not sure where I am on this, but maybe someday I’ll come to believe that this whole year was a well laid out plan for me to end the year knowing it wasn’t by my effort. I already knew that though, but I am thankful.
I learnt another lesson this year. I’m still working out how to make it meaningful, but it’s this: If you say someone matters to you, it’s on you not to give them a reason to doubt your affection for them. It seems obvious. And it is really as simple as not taking people for granted, but the problem is a lot of the time you don’t even realise when you’ve made people small. And not everyone will come to you to check if they matter – some will just step aside and accept that you don’t rate them. The trip is I learnt this in both directions. Doubt is a terrible thing. Once it enters a relationship it doesn’t really leave much space for hope. It takes a particularly stubborn kind of love to fight for its right to exist and flourish in an atmosphere doubt has crept into.
I’ve kind of accepted that I’ll be single for the foreseeable future – unless I catch a lucky break. I don’t have the energy to search, and it’s not a priority. The things I need from 2018 don’t leave much space for other pursuits. That said, if a relationship falls into my lap I won’t run from it – I think.
The rest of this year was a mix of being loved and frustrated beyond belief by her mothership, a few days of sunshine, a lot of boredom, and very little in the way of fulfilling the goals I set for myself this year. But hey. We don’t waste time self flagellating. We take the lessons and we move.