Day 17: Peju

Okay. This year was very bleak. This is the third post I’m writing for this review. I have been trying to make it not seem so depressing. I’ve been very angry this year. Very angry. Sometimes its mixed with sadness, other times, frustration, sometimes irritation.. But the constant feeling is always anger. And I hate it. Let’s start with the beginning.

I lost my immediate younger brother on the 17th of January. Darkest Friday ever. Still seems surreal. Even writing about it still doesn’t make it feel like it has happened. He died of renal failure caused by the tumour that took him to the hospital. I’d always thought about how I’d feel if I lost someone really close to me, someone closely related to me. How I felt, how I still feel wasn’t what I’d thought. Still taking each day as it comes. Everyone said him dying meant a new beginning and that things in my family would get better. Meh. Crap. Depression kicked in again. Anger too. I miss him so much it hurts. Part of me was ripped out in the worst way. I know he watches over me though. Keep resting in the Lord’s bosom, Ife.

I had to go to Jos to write Jamb in April. And I passed. Ooh ray of light I thought. An ending to my school wahala ordeal. You see, if I didn’t have problems at my other school, I would be graduating this year. I thought about that, forgot the fact that I passed and that there was hope, and I just got mad.

I kept hoping I wouldn’t make it to my 21st birthday. I even tweeted it and Demi rejected it on my behalf. Lol. She was probably the only one who saw it. When it got close to my birthday,  I had no money on me and kept hoping I get a cake for my birthday. I just wanted cake. As usual, I tweeted how I felt about it. On my birthday, there was rice and chicken courtesy the folks and cake from a dear friend Tunji. I had friends and acquaintances over and I can say we had a good time. I forgot about my problems that day. The next day, I got another cake. From Demi’s man. I haven’t even met either of them before. I was so happy and thankful. I ate cake for a week. Sugar high is amazing lol.

I got to play football shortly after that for TPL. I played/play for The Panthers. The girls have been a source of encouragement and help to me. God bless them. It was fun. Anything to take my mind off my life really. Sharon helped me get work. They are fun. And they meet my immediate needs.

I fell in love with hair and the science and knowledge of it. There’s so much I didn’t know, so much I’ve learnt and still learning. At least now I know what I’d like a career in. I started a hair blog. I’d been getting encouragement and compliments and questions on my natural hair and people kept telling me “open a blog. Open a blog”. I thought “What the hell am I going to write?!” So anyway I did it, and it’s been good so far. Yes please, check it out here, God bless you as you bless my ministry lol.

Post jamb came. I passed. I thought it was like my former school that once you pass the PUME, you get admitted, as long as your course isn’t the kind that everyone rushes to. But it wasn’t the same. Anyway I waited and waited and waited for that admission notice, and nothing happened. After the third list was published, my dad went to the school to find out what happened and if anything could be done. They said when I filled in my O levels on their site, they didn’t get it. Something with their website. Apparently it was a common problem. And it would have been fixed if my dad had come before all the lists got out. So yeah it was too late.

More anger. More frustration. Depression never left. I was just angry at everything and everyone. I even became rude. Sigh. I’m in pieces right now, but somehow I’m still living and breathing and smiling and I look like everything is fine. I plan to write some school’s exam this week. If that pans out, great. If it doesn’t, well, there’s always next year ey? I wish I was as hopeful as this post sounds. I’ve kinda lost all the hope I had. That was the only thing keeping me going. Someone even asked me how I felt seeing as some of the friends I started uni with have graduated and I told him it didn’t bother me and smiled. I’m elated for my friends. Super happy. But for me? Sigh. My year started bad and ended even worse. I felt like everything was taken from me. But yeah I believe in God still and I believe He does have a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s of good. That I know. And I’m waiting. I just need to build my hope and faith back, cos I don’t have any anymore. They’ve gone with all my tears. I questioned Him a lot this year even though I know it was wrong. Like, why take my brother away from me? You should have taken me instead. It’s not like I even want this life. I actually found it hard thanking God for my life this year. I’d thank Him for other people’s lives and be stuck when it got to me. It’s wrong, I know. But I am grateful for my life and I thank Him. Sincerely. Because I’m learning to trust Him more. Sigh. Now I’m just rambling. Still dealing with depression but I’ll be fine.

What I learned this year? Sometimes people don’t really care, they just want to know what goes on in your life for gist and bants. But it doesn’t mean there aren’t people who really care. Just gotta separate the wheat from the chaff. Patience is a virtue. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to say how you feel, it won’t kill you. It’s also okay to keep things to yourself if you don’t feel like sharing. There’s life, there’s hope. Life is not a competition, or a race. Don’t compare other peoples successes/failures to yours. Everyone is different and unique in their own way. It’s okay to seek advice. Smile all the time – when you’re angry, sad, in pain – smile smile smile. Your smile could go a long way for another person. Laugh too. Laughter is the best medicine. When you fall, you bounce back up, don’t wallow in your sadness. Or wallow for a bit and then dump it (working on it). Spoil yourself sometimes. It’s good for the soul. Not so much for the body or pocket though. Learn to thank God for the little mercies, little things.

I’m thankful for the people in my life, the people I met this year, the people that have encouraged me consciously and unconsciously, the ones that have always been there and have refused to leave lol. The people that have in one way or the other been of help to me. God bless you guys abundantly!!! I’m bad at opening up. I suck at it. But it feels good letting this all out. God bless the Panther girls most especially Karo, Sharon, Seyi and Funa. I love you guys. God bless all my friends. I’m not mentioning names.

I hope and pray 2015 brings us all our heart desires without any stumbling block(s). I pray we all have a happy, wonderful, testimony filled 2015.

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Comfort.

highlandblue

I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.

33 Comments

  • Kodetrix says:

    Don’t give up, there’s a winner in you!

  • Febbie says:

    Mahn Beyoncé didn’t show up in this…nah I’m sad. Lol Jokes.
    Sorry about everything, trust God,Have faith in Him, Belive him,Pray about it and don’t give up, okay?
    Why don’t you get involved with a professional course? Something that goes in line with a career you’ll love to pursue. You can never tell where it’ll get relevant….All will be well

    • Peju says:

      Looool. Oops. She was a big part ofmy year though. Oh yeah, im doing that next year, already got a form. Thank you soooooooo much. Amenn.

  • Y says:

    You forgot one thing, “GOD bless me too”. HE will. Amen. Darkest before dawn innit? It’s coming and boy, your sun will shine so bright, it will shock you. Amen.

  • Arin says:

    You’d be surprised if you knew that your situation is ‘normal’ with a LOT of folks.

    It may not seem like it, hardly ever does. But believe me, you’ll be fine. You need to hang in there, and just take each day as it comes, one after the other.

    There will be a day you finally realize that your experiences are a learning tool. You WILL have a great testimony. Just never, ever give up on yourself.

    And there’s folks who have been where you are before… (never ever believe that lie that you are alone in this). We turned out fine and are still going on ………..

  • Gracy says:

    I know how you feel,I’ve been there but God has a reason for it all. He’s waiting for you

  • Lade says:

    Peju. I understand depression. I understand feeling like God has forgotten you in the midst of all the 7 billion people in the world. I don’t know how you feel or are feeling, but I understand. I understand what it’s like to see all your friends going on with their lives and you’re stuck in the same place. Even though you’re happy for them, it’s hard to get past the fact that you’re stuck.
    Last year, I was so depressed I started cutting and burning myself. I felt like I was wandering around with no aim. I felt useless.
    Everyone says it’s darkest before dawn. It really is. Just hold on. You are important. There are people who love you and care about you. (e.g. me). God has got you. No matter what.

  • A says:

    Hi Peju, you don’t know me, but I just wanted to tell you that there are people who you don’t know, rooting for you! Don’t lose hope, better days are ahead of you. I pray you find peace concerning the loss of your brother. All the best in 2015!

  • Kathy Esan says:

    I cried. I know how it feels losing someone you love. The pain actually never goes away. I won’t say you shouldn’t complain because people are going through worse. Hell NO Peju, let it out. I just want you to remember psalm 30:5 “weeping may tarry for the night, but joy cometh in the morning”. The year 2015 shall be your year of testimonies. You shall dance and rejoice in the new year.
    Remain blessed Peju :).

  • Dekemisola says:

    Peju!!! I just wish you’d read your 9th paragraph to yourself and do those things for yourself. I’ve only met you briefly offline and I could have argued that you didn’t go through all these. You’re a bundle of joy, please, never let that go!

    Take Febbie’s advice on the professional courses. They’re very relevant.

    About your brother, I don’t know if the pain would get better but I know you’d be fine. *bear hug*

    One thing I’d keep hammering: never let yourself go. Please. You are amazing!

  • Uchene says:

    in the words of Sabirah, Dear Peju, Look at God. He loves you and cares about you much more than you can imagine. He has deposited amazing gifts in you and you have sooooo much to give the world. You are strong. You will be fine. Just keep looking at God.

  • Ranti says:

    Peju,
    The ONE thing i’ve learnt this year is that we all have different success stages in life. You will be fine. Some of those mates you think have gone far and you can’t catch up with? You will overtake.
    I know its easier said, but please try not to lose hope. Your latter will be greater than your past.

  • edgothboy says:

    Losing a younger sibling is a strange and painful thing. It’s something we never come to terms with. But you’re already on the journey to acceptance. You have been through so much. Thank you for sharing.

  • Ebun says:

    Peju, I follow y on twitter and I think u are amazing. Keep smiling. You will do great things just hang in and let God. He cares for u

  • Alex says:

    Peju. I hurt you this year. I’m sorry.

    You are an amazing young woman, you better believe it.. Keep hoping. It will all come to fruition in the end, you’ll see.

  • Omo says:

    I actually dropped a tear reading this. Ok ok, like two tears.
    Wow anyone who knows you just off twitter would have no idea you were having a bad year. You’re always so happy and full of life and positivity and all things Beyonce. I’m so sorry about your brother. I know what the loss of a loved one can do to you. Infact, I felt like I was reading about myself when my dad died. The pain never goes away but it does get easier I promise.
    Don’t worry baby you’ll look back at this post one day and think like ‘omg I can’t believe I went through all that and came out so dope’.
    Keep your head up love, and I wish you a most beautiful 2015.

  • Zarina says:

    Sweet Peju, I see me in you. *smiles* The difference between us is that, you pour your heart out while I don’t. (I do, but to myself mostly). But, the best thing is that no matter what storms we face, we come out victorious….survivors.

    I share the opinions of all the comments above and I tell you this, one day you’ll look back at all that has happened to you and SMILE. Trust me!

    Stay strong and look at God. Enjoy 2015 and I will read your review at the end of next year. 🙂

  • grace says:

    Dear Peju,
    Be strong, keep hope alive. Your breakthrough will come.

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