Okay. This year was very bleak. This is the third post I’m writing for this review. I have been trying to make it not seem so depressing. I’ve been very angry this year. Very angry. Sometimes its mixed with sadness, other times, frustration, sometimes irritation.. But the constant feeling is always anger. And I hate it. Let’s start with the beginning.
I lost my immediate younger brother on the 17th of January. Darkest Friday ever. Still seems surreal. Even writing about it still doesn’t make it feel like it has happened. He died of renal failure caused by the tumour that took him to the hospital. I’d always thought about how I’d feel if I lost someone really close to me, someone closely related to me. How I felt, how I still feel wasn’t what I’d thought. Still taking each day as it comes. Everyone said him dying meant a new beginning and that things in my family would get better. Meh. Crap. Depression kicked in again. Anger too. I miss him so much it hurts. Part of me was ripped out in the worst way. I know he watches over me though. Keep resting in the Lord’s bosom, Ife.
I had to go to Jos to write Jamb in April. And I passed. Ooh ray of light I thought. An ending to my school wahala ordeal. You see, if I didn’t have problems at my other school, I would be graduating this year. I thought about that, forgot the fact that I passed and that there was hope, and I just got mad.
I kept hoping I wouldn’t make it to my 21st birthday. I even tweeted it and Demi rejected it on my behalf. Lol. She was probably the only one who saw it. When it got close to my birthday, I had no money on me and kept hoping I get a cake for my birthday. I just wanted cake. As usual, I tweeted how I felt about it. On my birthday, there was rice and chicken courtesy the folks and cake from a dear friend Tunji. I had friends and acquaintances over and I can say we had a good time. I forgot about my problems that day. The next day, I got another cake. From Demi’s man. I haven’t even met either of them before. I was so happy and thankful. I ate cake for a week. Sugar high is amazing lol.
I got to play football shortly after that for TPL. I played/play for The Panthers. The girls have been a source of encouragement and help to me. God bless them. It was fun. Anything to take my mind off my life really. Sharon helped me get work. They are fun. And they meet my immediate needs.
I fell in love with hair and the science and knowledge of it. There’s so much I didn’t know, so much I’ve learnt and still learning. At least now I know what I’d like a career in. I started a hair blog. I’d been getting encouragement and compliments and questions on my natural hair and people kept telling me “open a blog. Open a blog”. I thought “What the hell am I going to write?!” So anyway I did it, and it’s been good so far. Yes please, check it out here, God bless you as you bless my ministry lol.
Post jamb came. I passed. I thought it was like my former school that once you pass the PUME, you get admitted, as long as your course isn’t the kind that everyone rushes to. But it wasn’t the same. Anyway I waited and waited and waited for that admission notice, and nothing happened. After the third list was published, my dad went to the school to find out what happened and if anything could be done. They said when I filled in my O levels on their site, they didn’t get it. Something with their website. Apparently it was a common problem. And it would have been fixed if my dad had come before all the lists got out. So yeah it was too late.
More anger. More frustration. Depression never left. I was just angry at everything and everyone. I even became rude. Sigh. I’m in pieces right now, but somehow I’m still living and breathing and smiling and I look like everything is fine. I plan to write some school’s exam this week. If that pans out, great. If it doesn’t, well, there’s always next year ey? I wish I was as hopeful as this post sounds. I’ve kinda lost all the hope I had. That was the only thing keeping me going. Someone even asked me how I felt seeing as some of the friends I started uni with have graduated and I told him it didn’t bother me and smiled. I’m elated for my friends. Super happy. But for me? Sigh. My year started bad and ended even worse. I felt like everything was taken from me. But yeah I believe in God still and I believe He does have a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s of good. That I know. And I’m waiting. I just need to build my hope and faith back, cos I don’t have any anymore. They’ve gone with all my tears. I questioned Him a lot this year even though I know it was wrong. Like, why take my brother away from me? You should have taken me instead. It’s not like I even want this life. I actually found it hard thanking God for my life this year. I’d thank Him for other people’s lives and be stuck when it got to me. It’s wrong, I know. But I am grateful for my life and I thank Him. Sincerely. Because I’m learning to trust Him more. Sigh. Now I’m just rambling. Still dealing with depression but I’ll be fine.
What I learned this year? Sometimes people don’t really care, they just want to know what goes on in your life for gist and bants. But it doesn’t mean there aren’t people who really care. Just gotta separate the wheat from the chaff. Patience is a virtue. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to say how you feel, it won’t kill you. It’s also okay to keep things to yourself if you don’t feel like sharing. There’s life, there’s hope. Life is not a competition, or a race. Don’t compare other peoples successes/failures to yours. Everyone is different and unique in their own way. It’s okay to seek advice. Smile all the time – when you’re angry, sad, in pain – smile smile smile. Your smile could go a long way for another person. Laugh too. Laughter is the best medicine. When you fall, you bounce back up, don’t wallow in your sadness. Or wallow for a bit and then dump it (working on it). Spoil yourself sometimes. It’s good for the soul. Not so much for the body or pocket though. Learn to thank God for the little mercies, little things.
I’m thankful for the people in my life, the people I met this year, the people that have encouraged me consciously and unconsciously, the ones that have always been there and have refused to leave lol. The people that have in one way or the other been of help to me. God bless you guys abundantly!!! I’m bad at opening up. I suck at it. But it feels good letting this all out. God bless the Panther girls most especially Karo, Sharon, Seyi and Funa. I love you guys. God bless all my friends. I’m not mentioning names.
I hope and pray 2015 brings us all our heart desires without any stumbling block(s). I pray we all have a happy, wonderful, testimony filled 2015.