Day 17: Felicia

This year turned out good. It took its time initially…but it came through. Every month came with its own challenges and if there’s one thing I learnt this year, it is to stop struggling. I could gloss over and just highlight a few things but I think it’s better said as it happened.

In January, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I had this brand new certificate but it just wasn’t enough…I needed more. So I had to choose between a PhD and residency. Thing is, I needed a scholarship for the PhD and it is really difficult to get a good medical residency post in Nigeria. I was tired of living at home with my parents and I knew I wouldn’t be able to move out unless I got a job far away from home. The job wasn’t forth coming so I moved back to the UK to write up my thesis and get published…even if that was the only thing I could do. Silly excuse I know, but I needed to move out  😀

So I’m back in the UK, lonely and free, and easily, I slipped back into an addiction I could not feed back home in Nigeria. Even then, God had His eyes on me. Browsing the internet one cool evening, I checked the medical exam website and I saw a slot for an Exam in March. Hmmm, perfect excuse to stay back in the UK…I registered.

Enter February, my ‘holy month’. I did not attend RCCG at the time but decided to fast with them. Kept me off the addiction for a full month. One of the longest I’d stayed away at that time.
It was almost as if I couldn’t wait to finish the fast. By March, I was preparing for my exams and trying to make up for the ‘no-sin’ period. Apart from my porn addiction, I was sexually active again. Having no-strings attached regular sex. You know you are far gone when you don’t feel remorse anymore. I was lost and was not sure I had a home anymore.

April comes and I passed the first set of exams. Yay! Unto the next set… April and May were good to me; I passed both exams and got confirmation from the scholarship body and the University that I was going to get a fully sponsored scholarship. I was still addicted to sin and as far away from God as possible.

I had to go back to Nigeria in June. I guess my parents were tired at this point. You see, I had not worked all year and they simply did not understand my career path. One of my closest friends got married…eye opener lol. Sometimes I caught my mum looking at me with this ‘where did I go wrong?’ look. Feeding my addiction was getting harder and harder by the day.

June/July, I knew I could not continue this way. I had put on so much weight that when my dad helped me check my weight, he suggested we use another scale. I hated myself. I was just disgusted with myself. I had been through an unhealthy number of meaningless relationships and had sex for the worst reasons. I knew I had to do something about my life generally.

I started with the weight loss. I became obsessed. This was going to be the defining thing in my life this year. If I could do this, I could do anything. I threw myself into it but I did it the right way. Diet and Exercise. I pushed myself a little more every day. . I stopped struggling; I just did the little things, the right things. And I did it…minus 10kg after 3 months

Encouraged, I decided to sort out the other aspects of my life. At this point, I really did not believe in God anymore and my prayers usually went this way… “God…if you exist….” . I don’t know how it started but God reached out to me.

In August I guess, I started reading the Bible again. I didn’t start from Genesis because I knew I’d just get stuck. I struggled. I cried. I just couldn’t seem to reach God. I mean, He was so real to other people but I was struggling to believe in His existence. I stopped struggling. I started with Job. Oh how I prayed for strength and leaned on Him. Some days I didn’t feel like reading but I told myself to keep doing the right things. Just like with the weight loss.

I started the book of Matthew on the 1st of December. It was such a big deal that I wanted it to be special. Reading the Bible has been sooooo helpful. I can’t even begin to describe how my life has been changed by the word of God. It took me a very long time to start believing again, I am not sure I am fully there yet but I have made a lot of progress.

I am no longer addicted to porn. God made this one easier than I thought. Before, I could tell you the last time I had a fix, but now I can’t even remember. This has strengthened my faith.
Also, for the first time in a long time I do not have any friends with benefits. This is a big deal. I deserve better.

Finally, I have learnt to accept a few things:
I will not be getting married in 2012 (sorry mummy)
I do not like cooking (but I am a good cook lol)
I am too evolved (like Sheldon Cooper) to learn how to drive or punctuate my sentences correctly…but I’ll really give the driving thing one last try next year
I am hopeless on twitter

2012 turned out good on the whole after all.

highlandblue

I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.

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