DAY 16: OYIN

My year started like a high speed rail and I didn’t seem to be in the driver’s seat. I didn’t trust the driver and honestly, I didn’t even know who the driver was but as sure as know that it wasn’t me.

Engaged.

Got a job.

Got married.

I wasn’t interested in doing anything else special because I was tired of chasing after special. I just wanted to be good at work and be good in my relationships, be good to myself and be kind to people.

But….

Accidents. Accidents. Hospital.

Accidents.

Boy, was I tired of all the things that kept happening to me. To Us.
I was really tired.

Then bam, lights out!

“Would you have let me go if the Doctor had told you that I was never going to recover?”

I had been so angry with him for asking me such a thing 3 years ago. Now, I realize what he had seen.

Because I saw it too.

Everything was quiet. The nothingness was peaceful; like being in a bubble on shallow waters; like gliding on a paper plane for hours and hours. There were no worries. None.

If this is what death was, then it was true freedom.

I’m not trying to romanticize anything because this is a thing we do. As people, we are obsessed with romanticising death and suffering but I understand that it is because, what other way would we be able to believe that we had won by overcoming both (suffering and death)?

Well, when I opened my eyes to my dad’s tears and the smell of Victor, I knew I wasn’t ready to go.

Because of love…

Because of promises…

Because of God.

Many times I’ve wondered about God, at God, for God. I’ve wondered if I’m wasting my time even bothering to believe. I’ve wondered because there’s a lot of wondering one can do when a lot of things are stalled. When investments aren’t paying off. When the fights are getting bigger and they keep eating chunks and chunks out of you. When you are in a hospital bed wondering what just went wrong.

See, there I am, romanticising suffering once again.

But for friendship…

But for companionship…

But for family.

There aren’t a lot of people I can thank God for this year because maybe they were as tired of me as I was of myself. Maybe because I wasn’t sharing as much as I thought I was. Maybe because life gets in the way of friendships. Maybe because we’ve started to outgrow one another. Maybe because my heart was and might not be in the right place right now. But I am thankful for you Ayo Aramaanda. For Olamide. For Qama. For Zuriel. For Ayobami Marius. For David. For Abraham. For Segun Maximus. For TJ. For Nemah. For Dasola. For Bukky my Titybum. For Oye. For Folusho. For Kemi and Bukky. For Alex.

That list is the shortest I’ve ever had. I’d probably never been as withdrawn as I was this year but they didn’t even care. They just sat with me and watched me and fed me.

I am thankful because I had my brothers hold my hand to the bathroom when I couldn’t stand. They carried me, fed me, sat with me, and cried with me when I wanted to just give up out of sheer pain and frustration.

I am thankful for Victor. It was a hard year, but Lord knows we made the right decision taking that big bold step (#OyinVic2015). We both know everyone thought I’d leave you at the altar. They very nearly carried me there just to be sure. I am thankful because I could always look at you and know I was (am) doing the right thing.

It was quite something, this 2015.
But you know what?

I’m still not looking for special. There’s fulfilment in the little things, in the things that you can hold and the things that make you smile when you are lying in bed.

I’m leaving 2015 with a huge scar that’ll act as a constant reminder of being here; with a husband that is still the most special thing in my life ; with friends that would push me to ignore all the drama; with hope; with my family; with the best brothers in the world; with a job that gives me joy.
And with God still in my heart.
What else could I possibly be running after?

P.S
I hope I learn the real meaning of forgiveness.

==========================

This withdrawing into our shell thing that we all run to as a refuge from everything…. Sighs

Oyin

In a rapidly changing world affecting people and culture, Oyin writes. Oyin takes a thoughtful and poetic approach to sharing her quirky perspectives about love, people, culture, poetry and relationships.

11 Comments

  • Mobolaji says:

    I’m glad you’re healed. Not just physical healing, but the type that one can’t really explain. Glad for the beautiful people that walked 2015 with you! Thanks a lot for sharing.

    Like you, I’m not sure I’m looking for special. A friend and I adopted #LiveaLittle2016. Because it’s in the little things that true beauty lies.

    I’m normally a ghost reader here. I still don’t know why I commented on this particular story. Something special I guess…

  • Jaiyeola David says:

    Nicely written,

    First paragraph sums it all #WhoIsTheDriver.

    #OyinVic was all on Twitter and BethGraphy is my homie.

    It will sure be a better year in 2016 and you become stronger and better at being you.

    Kudos

  • eloxie says:

    Thank you for sharing.

    Grateful for all 2015 brought to you and the fact that, like a ship, it carried you to this place called ‘here and now’ and made you who you are. Congrats on your wedding and the joys of going through life with another that’s truly yours.
    Wishing you a better 2016 and hoping that just as you desire, you will learn the true meaning of forgiveness.
    Cheers to ‘just as you are’ friends, bright lights and more out of shell moments.

  • Jaiyeola David says:

    It’s always a pleasure to say a few good words to someone.

    Gracias

  • Sharon says:

    I wasn’t online a lot or really involved with people this year so I didn’t even know you had been in the hospital. The one thing that continues to amaze me about you is your ability to still be you irregardless of what’s happening. That je ne sais quoi that you have that makes you one of the truly special people has been present through everything you’ve been through. Keep being you, stay strong. Light breaks forth after the dark. Just keep your eye on the horizon. I love you Oyin, and thank you for inviting me to your wedding :*

  • Apsel says:

    Sometimes, it’s easier(better?) to withdraw to redraw. May your healing be permanent. Hearty Cheers to you and yours.

  • Gidi Mallam says:

    Well damn! I’m here kicking myself cos I didn’t even hear about you having an accident, let alone it being this serious. Thanks for sharing this Honey!

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