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I’m in a Sienna heading to Lagos from Ilorin, listening to Chris Brown’s No Exit (I love this song) on repeat, while reading yearly Reviews on this blog. Then I ask myself why I haven’t written mine. Hmmm I had a very… I don’t know the word..weird year? And so I decided to write as well. So here goes.. This will be long.

First Quarter

I got back to school and the first thing I did was beg the person I was in a relationship with to come see me. He was mad at me because he had told me to come three days early, and I said I couldn’t because I had promised a friend that I was going to model for him. The said Friend was a photographer who needed a final shoot at his school and I had agreed to do it for him way before then so I couldn’t cancel. If you know me well, I don’t play with my friends and I do not like to disappoint them. Also if I promise something, best believe I’ll see it through. So that’s why he was mad at me. He knew the lack of his physical presence would hurt me and he played on it. For about two weeks, he dragged on till we finally saw and sorted it out. Smh. School was alright. I had no 8 am classes which made me happy. Boyfriend moved in with me which I wanted at the time. I ended up regretting this move later.

We always had issues. One fight after the other. Let me not bore you with details. I held on despite the fights, because I was so afraid of being alone. He made everything seem like my fault and I’d end up apologizing every damn time just to make peace. He knew all my weaknesses and shortcomings and he played on them well. Abandonment issues, loneliness, internal conflict – everything. I was an amazing emotional plaything to him. My head was messed with. My mental health continued to be shitty and I laid my life in the hands of somebody to mess with smh (didn’t realise at the time).

That aside, my business Abebi Organics was doing well. Customers piled on demand. I was so grateful to God. There were struggles here and there but nothing God didn’t come through for me. I mean I remember vividly the times I could go a whole day without a meal because I had nothing to eat. Now I can buy myself two shawarmas and not feel it lmao. Nah God is good. School was great as well. Didn’t stress me as much or maybe I was just too disconnected. I don’t know.

My best friend got engaged. Introduction was lit. She looked beautiful and her husband looked dashing. Happiness.

I got to hang out with BBN people. Ended up making a friend out of Miyonse.

Second Quarter

I’d had enough and wanted out of the relationship. Planned how to end it and all. My plan was perfect. Got to Ilorin. Saw him. He was so excited to have me around (Or maybe he was just a great actor) lmao. My plan failed. Decided to continue with the relationship. It got worse. Got emotionally, financially, physically, mentally and spiritually draining. My anxiety was through the roof. I stopped talking to my friends about him. I was always crying. Randomly. At weird places. I’d just be cooking and break down in tears. I’d cry, clean my tears, and continue cooking.
I felt left out from things. I felt my friends abandoned me as well. I learned my anxiety made me over think things and see things that weren’t there. I had my own depression to deal with. Adding the relationship and friendships on top proved just too much for me. We were always fighting, he was always shouting. I live in a two bedroom flat so my flatmate would hear us fight but didn’t know how to tell me anything. My friendships suffered too. My love was taken for granted. I was just tired. It was like I was pouring water into a basket basically. Sigh. Funniest thing was, on Instagram we were perfect lmao. I did all that not for people to see but for me to see. I went through the pictures afterwards and man was I a sad pretender lol. School was usually an escape from home wahala but this time, I needed to run far from school.
Oh yeah..my birthday was in May. It was alright. I wanted money for my birthday and I got money. Thank you Bankole, I love you.

Third Quarter

The panic attacks got worse. Anxiety was even the worst. I became a shell. I lost weight. I was breaking out severely, nothing I used on my face worked, when I remembered to use them. Ugh. I get so mad at myself for letting myself go like this. I began to ask myself important questions. Like what do I want out of life? Love?

I had to sit down and give myself a pep talk. I knew I didn’t love myself because there’s no way in hell I’d let someone treat me like I don’t matter if I truly loved myself. I let someone play and toy with my insecurities as he wished and I was done. Honestly it was beginning to affect other areas of my life and I couldn’t let that happen. I knew I couldn’t end it while still in Ilorin – this person depended heavily on me and I didn’t want to end it and it’d look like I was a wicked person. Also I needed to work through it mentally first so I’d be totally and honestly done. No going back.

The first thing I did was tell him to leave during exams. That I needed to concentrate fully. He left. He wasn’t happy about it. Best thing I did. I was able to take myself out for the first time in forever. Started to take care of myself. I got my much-needed space back. Nobody was sharing my shit with me and I was so happy and relieved. Each time he came to visit, I noticed that I’d get a panic attack hearing his voice. This wasn’t good. Why would someone I say I love, make me afraid? Is that normal? I went home immediately after exams and disconnected. Didn’t end it. Just lived my life like I was single. He noticed. Called. Texted to bring me back to order but I was far gone. You know that thing where you notice you’re losing something and then that’s the moment you pay more attention to it? Yeah. Lol. Didn’t work. At the end of the day, he called it off. He used to do this thing where we fight, he’d threaten to end it and I’d start to beg. He did it again, I said “if you want to end it, end it. Stop threatening me”. He goes ” are you serious? If I end it, no going back from that.” I said okay. He thought I was playing. That I’d beg. Stalled the conversation for as long as he could. Didn’t see any change. Left me alone. And yo! I have been at peace so much since then. Jesus. I didn’t know post toxic relationship glow was a thing till I experienced it. This was August but I’d been disconnected since July. I wasn’t heartbroken or hurt. My mind was still in shambles though. But I was working on it.
I was too embarrassed for a long time about that sham relationship but the moment I talked about it. I got this message.
I want everyone to know you need not feel shame or embarrassment because no sort of abuse is ever your fault. You didn’t ask to be emotionally or physically or in other way abused. I saw these messages and they filled my heart with joy because I didn’t even expect them. It’s still hard to talk about it which is another reason I’m doing this. Get out as soon as you can. Muster up that strength and courage. It’s never too late.
 💜
My best friend got married. And I enjoyed every moment of it. Omg. It was amazing. I’m not a fan of weddings because I cannot really be bothered but I really loved being part of that wedding. It also made me realize I was growing up. Pressure came for me to settle down not from my folks but from other people. Lol. This made me put unnecessary pressure on myself as well but I know me. I am not ready lol. I wouldn’t know what to do with a husband at this stage or point in my life.
I’m still trying to know me sef. Abeg. Lmao. I have come to understand we all have different paths in this life. I can’t compare myself to anyone or everyone. I took a while to calm myself. Got to hang out with my friends from Uniben. One of us was leaving the country for his masters so we all got together to spend one last day together and give him a sendforth. Ugh I loved every bit of it. One of the highlights of the year as well.

Last Quarter

I suddenly went through a heavy depression/depressive episode.
My uncle pays fees and rent. School resumption date was drawing closer. No word from him. No response to mails. I’m not good at handling things like that so I panicked and it spiralled from there. I was convinced I’d been forgotten about. On top of that, I went for cancer screening and got a bad diagnosis. I needed to get something removed and it cost money I didn’t have. I wanted to upgrade my business – that cost money – and I wasn’t even making enough sales as I’d like and I was just confused and frustrated and depressed.
At that point I wanted to end it. I went crazy on the internet, not on purpose. I just needed to let it out and I’m not good at talking to people about anything, good or bad. But God sent his angels to take charge in form of humans. Special People came through for me. Thank you Kelechi, Eromo, Viv and Funmi. God bless you guys. I was talked out of it. I was able to sort my issues out with their help as well. Uncle still hasn’t come through but hey! I paid my fees and rent. Business is back to booming season. Trying to save up so I can pay up my debts. Depending on someone is stress guys, Chai. My health is topnotch and the growth was removed. I’m still able to take care of my folks and my baby brother and for that I am super super duper grateful to be alive. I know the suicidal thoughts and attempts will come back but I am working against that as much as I can. In this moment I can truly say I’m happy.
Oh another friend got married and I went to Asaba for it. Had a ton of FUN! I love that I have friends who have businesses, 9-5s and who are just basically enjoying life and prospering. I want to be there for my friends more in 2018.  I got my baby brother a phone for Christmas; he’d been wanting one since March and his happiness made me even more happy. Now it’s remaining Baba God to provide my iPhone 7 plus to me so I can take all the selfies in the world lmao.
I’m enjoying getting to know myself and loving myself again – omo its hard and I don’t intend to stop this time around. My self-esteem is growing again. I’m enjoying knowing my body and caring for it as well. Chei I’m hot sha you people.  I’m learning to adult but I wish I stayed a baby to be honest. I’ve quit most of my bad habits. I changed churches (one amazing decision I made this year). I’m growing in Jesus daily. I also realised you cant get over the death of a loved one. I miss my other baby brother, Ifeoluwa, so much. Keep resting baby love.
I intend to be single a long time. I just want to work hard, prosper, take care of my family and enjoy my life. As my friend Awazi says, this life is one and we have to give them. And enjoy it. I’m learning not to put too much pressure on myself as well because my head goes bonkers when I do that. Anxiety has chilled. I’ve not had an attack in a while. I can’t wait to be able to afford therapy though. I’m leaving one-sided relationships in this year. Not going to be where I’m not thoroughly appreciated or where I’m giving a 100 alone and getting less than that back. I’m also still trying to forgive myself for that sham of a relationship and letting myself go through that. Learning to let go. Learning to be a better person and a better friend. Learning to leave people alone and let people be. Learning to be alone and enjoy my company (I really enjoy my company now by the way), learning to have fun genuinely, learning to speak my mind when things bother me, learning to forgive (discovered this year that I actually haven’t forgiven a lot of people who I thought I’d forgiven, all I needed were triggers and the feelings came back in droves).
I’m learning to let bad feelings go away, learning who to give my time to. Learning to stay away from triggers and handle my moods better (struggle). I’ve learned that I enjoy eating at different restaurants and trying new and old foods (I must be rich in this life chai).
This year has been a year of learning and lessons. It was a good year as well, save the trauma and PTSD. Lol. I’m writing all this down because I want to come back to it at least 4 times next year so I truly apologise for the length. Once I start, I cannot stop the tap. Thank you to everyone in my life who loves and cares for me genuinely. Please check out @abebiorganics on twitter and IG!!
My mood and theme for next year is this picture. Glowing and unbothered. At peace and getting my money up. Glow SZN y’all!
Peace guys xx
Peju
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